Hello, I am Steve and so glad I discovered this group. I am 53, (OMG am I really)? And a pretty happy guy most of the time. I was partnered to the same wonderful man, for 31 yrs, from the age of 16 and he was 19.
I loved him with all my heart and soul and we were so close and we had a very affectionate, loving remarkable relationship. Sadly he contracted cancer at the age of 48 in 2007, and passed 9 days after his 50th bday in 2009. I was devastated and broken to say the least. Although everything I said about our relationship is very tru to me, I feel I must be honest and say our relationship was also, unhealthy in many ways. My partner was bi-polar, manic depressive, and a complete handful most of the time. Sometimes our relationship was freakin paradise, so amazing, then there were the absolutely hellish times. In our early yrs, I left him so many times, just to return, because of his begging, hysterical outbursts, claims of how much he loved me and needed me in his life, and I was so smitten with him during the wonderful times. In 1989, in our 20th yr together, My partner made his first suicide attempt. Mike had been in bed for weeks, I didn't know what to do to help him, he was so depressed, although having a very successful real estate career, loved by so many, it didn't matter. I had to go to work to keep the lights on, but this day I had an uneasy feeling, I was terrified and everything in me to,d me not to go to work this day. I went, but after trying to call him 10 times or more and him not answering, I flew home on my 30 min lunch break to check on him and found him in our home, full of gas, his body on the kitchen floor. I called 911 and they revived him and he survived. He was required by the state to be locked up for a 3 day evaluation in a mental hospital. Which was the best thing really. This is when we discovered he was bi polar, and they got him into a 30 day treatment program and he was a new man. But, then came the ups and downs of his moods, I wouldn't understand it, thinking all of a sudden his meds stopped working, come to find out he had stopped them, abrutly, without telling me or anyone. What a roller coaster. But, I stood by his side thru everything, knowing it was a illness, What? Would I leave him if he had heart disease or something? No. Anyway, what I'm saying is that our 31 yrs were full of ups and downs and great highs and tremendous lows. When he passed, I found myself very lost, not only because of his being gone, didn't have to take care of him or worry 24 7 about him anymore, but, I also found out after the funeral, that Mike had been abusing vicodine and oxy for at least the prior 5 yrs, that I had no idea about, because he was always so crazy at times. A long time "friend" of ours admitted this to me, after the funeral. That they had been going down to Mexico for yrs together, getting high and getting pills and bringing them back home. This was easy for my partner to do, because he didn't punch a time clock with his job. I had no idea, and I was so sad, because his cancer was caught early, wasn't supposed to spread, but had spread to his liver, and I now knew why. I had taken care of him 24-7 365 for the prior 16 months thru the cancer treatments, cleaned up his vomit, ran myself crazy to pharmacies, and the like never missed a chemo treatment with him, was his right hand thru the whole process, just to find out he was abusing drugs the entire time and causing his early demise.
He finally got what he wanted, really. Out of here. Leaving me to pick up the pieces of my heart and life, and try to create a new one.
After 4 yrs of grieving and trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted, I met a new man. He was 23 at the time and I was 50. Crazy! Out of my mind! I resisted his advances, he pursued me, so charming, wonderful. Handsome, knew all the right things to say, so funny. We dated 4 months, I fell so hard for him, while I supposedly was watching to see if he really was looking for a sugar daddy, (I had no desire for that). He was working, has had income our entire 2 yrs together now, but I have always had more and shared more, and paid for most extravagances. There was always something wrong though. I didn't know what, but I felt something wrong. I blamed it on my fucked up history with my first partner. I would talk to new boyfriend about it, he would assure me everything was fine, no drugs, no outside escapades, faithful and loved me so much. I really thought it must be me, traumatized by all the lies and craziness of my former relationship, new boyfriend suggested I needed therapy, to let go of my former partner and history, so I agreed. Well last week. I couldn't take it any more, this weird, underlying, shadiness about him. It drove me nuts, and I found myself worrying about him so much when he was gone, like my former relationship. I felt sick to my stomache, couldn't stand to be near him anymore, although I had never caught him in a lie, or anything. I thought even if it is me, I can't take it anymore and I was going to talk to him. Turns out he finally admitted that he isn't in love with me, he wants to be just friends. He isn't sexually attracted to me, never has been, he says he really liked me, thought I was funny and sweet, but he now realizes it is best for me, if he leaves. I'm glad he feels that way, I feel the same. I'm just so sad, that I allowed myself to stay in this for so long. Stayed with him thru all kinds of uncomfortable, awkward moments, bought all his sweet words and fake apologies, and excuses, financed his hobbies, and so on, it's all so embarrassing. I thought I was smarter, thought I was stronger. Oh, and by the way he has been abusing drugs too. I am going to really give myself a chance to work on myself, and find out why I choose these type of guys to be with. They are attracted to me like a moth to a light, and I buy it, hook line and sinker. I will get help with this and just work on me. Meanwhile he is still living with me, while he finds a job and a place to move. So spineless, but I can't stand the thought of him being homeless and penniless. He is staying in the guest room at my request. He still wanted to sleep together even though the things he said, thank god I said no.