Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
We met a year ago. I'm in my 30s and hes in his late 20s. We are both not out because it is really really difficult in our cultures to be accepted. Besides, he's a working actor and it would ruin his career. He's tall dark and handsome and physically you would never suspect he's gay (though I know that's a grossly stereotypical thing to note.) The funny and sad thing is - we are not out to each other! Here goes...
He took the reigns on this relationship. He drove it and was extremely aggressive at driving me into a close bond with him. He pursued me. He asked a common friend to introduce him to me. Just a few days since we first met he had already started texting and calling me all the time, every day and at odd times of the night. He was always desperate to meet. This was platonic of course but I kept questioning his sexuality. He was so focused on me and devoted to me that sometimes I felt I needed the space. I even told him so once when he wanted to spend the night at my house and I wasn't up for a stay over that night. He showed me all the signs that he was interested in more than friendship. He would often talk about how he never wants to marry. He never talked about being into any woman. He would say things like never wanting to be 'distracted by women' and 'always wanting to stay away from women' and the like. Day by day my impression of him as a closeted man started cementing. A guy who loves me and is making it very clear. He even said he loves me in one of his texts. I had replied jokingly that "its too soon for you to say that to me." to which he replied saying he was confused by my reply! This was how our relationship began - with him as the pilot. It was very emotional and intense. A lot of stroking of the hair, looking into each others eyes, keeping our dates a secret etc.
This bond (albeit 100% platonic on the outside) continued for months, and a few months ago we spent the night together at my place. We slept in the same bed and it was like we were lovers without actually making love. We spent the night in each others arms. Arms and legs wrapped around each other. His toes would rub mine. His body was clearly giving me signals and there was no doubt we had gotten physically intimate. This was a turning point for us. It goes without saying that I was falling for him. For me it wasn't hard and fast but slow and sure.
Every time we would go out for dinner he would express a desire to sleep over. And again we would be wrapped into each others bodies. I used to feel his heart thumping wildly when we were embracing in bed. We would kiss each other (never on the lips), run our hands through each others hair, stroke each others lips and cheeks, everything that two adult 'straight' men would never do in bed together.
And I would wake up more in love with him than ever.
I have even felt him harden once when he turned around to embrace me as we slept. My point is there have been enough signs that this wasn't platonic and that he isn't as straight as he claims to be, albeit we have never made love.
And then he changed. Overnight. His texts started becoming infrequent. His calls too. Now he seems preoccupied. He stopped making plans on his own. It was always me making plans to spend time together.
I confronted him one day on Whatsapp and he said the funniest thing. "if you trust me blindly and that your secret is safe with me, have you developed feelings for me?" I was sooo nervous. I didnt reply for about 20 mins. And he was silent too waiting for me to respond. And then before I could say anything a barrage of msgs popped up telling me that we are on different wavelengths, that he has never had feelings for me, that all he cares about is that I am not too hurt by this, and that he is worried about me. He said I have "misinterpreted everything!" I swallowed my plans of confessing my love for him after he sent me all those messages. It was such a betrayal.
Its been bad ever since. He's cold. Aloof. He's another person. I cant handle it. I'm so so sad and confused. I feel like I am owed an explanation. I deserve one.
What's funny is that we've spent nights together since that fight too and intimacy-wise its just the same as before. He's physically all there. And we are intimate in bed. But when we say goodbye he's gone. He makes no plans. Hardly ever gets in touch with me.
I dont know what to do. I've been crying for days. I'm bottling it all up because I can't confess to anyone about what i'm going through.
I need your advice! Should I confront him? Should I deal with this as normal heartbreak and break all contact?
He took the reigns on this relationship. He drove it and was extremely aggressive at driving me into a close bond with him. He pursued me. He asked a common friend to introduce him to me. Just a few days since we first met he had already started texting and calling me all the time, every day and at odd times of the night. He was always desperate to meet. This was platonic of course but I kept questioning his sexuality. He was so focused on me and devoted to me that sometimes I felt I needed the space. I even told him so once when he wanted to spend the night at my house and I wasn't up for a stay over that night. He showed me all the signs that he was interested in more than friendship. He would often talk about how he never wants to marry. He never talked about being into any woman. He would say things like never wanting to be 'distracted by women' and 'always wanting to stay away from women' and the like. Day by day my impression of him as a closeted man started cementing. A guy who loves me and is making it very clear. He even said he loves me in one of his texts. I had replied jokingly that "its too soon for you to say that to me." to which he replied saying he was confused by my reply! This was how our relationship began - with him as the pilot. It was very emotional and intense. A lot of stroking of the hair, looking into each others eyes, keeping our dates a secret etc.
This bond (albeit 100% platonic on the outside) continued for months, and a few months ago we spent the night together at my place. We slept in the same bed and it was like we were lovers without actually making love. We spent the night in each others arms. Arms and legs wrapped around each other. His toes would rub mine. His body was clearly giving me signals and there was no doubt we had gotten physically intimate. This was a turning point for us. It goes without saying that I was falling for him. For me it wasn't hard and fast but slow and sure.
Every time we would go out for dinner he would express a desire to sleep over. And again we would be wrapped into each others bodies. I used to feel his heart thumping wildly when we were embracing in bed. We would kiss each other (never on the lips), run our hands through each others hair, stroke each others lips and cheeks, everything that two adult 'straight' men would never do in bed together.
And I would wake up more in love with him than ever.
I have even felt him harden once when he turned around to embrace me as we slept. My point is there have been enough signs that this wasn't platonic and that he isn't as straight as he claims to be, albeit we have never made love.
And then he changed. Overnight. His texts started becoming infrequent. His calls too. Now he seems preoccupied. He stopped making plans on his own. It was always me making plans to spend time together.
I confronted him one day on Whatsapp and he said the funniest thing. "if you trust me blindly and that your secret is safe with me, have you developed feelings for me?" I was sooo nervous. I didnt reply for about 20 mins. And he was silent too waiting for me to respond. And then before I could say anything a barrage of msgs popped up telling me that we are on different wavelengths, that he has never had feelings for me, that all he cares about is that I am not too hurt by this, and that he is worried about me. He said I have "misinterpreted everything!" I swallowed my plans of confessing my love for him after he sent me all those messages. It was such a betrayal.
Its been bad ever since. He's cold. Aloof. He's another person. I cant handle it. I'm so so sad and confused. I feel like I am owed an explanation. I deserve one.
What's funny is that we've spent nights together since that fight too and intimacy-wise its just the same as before. He's physically all there. And we are intimate in bed. But when we say goodbye he's gone. He makes no plans. Hardly ever gets in touch with me.
I dont know what to do. I've been crying for days. I'm bottling it all up because I can't confess to anyone about what i'm going through.
I need your advice! Should I confront him? Should I deal with this as normal heartbreak and break all contact?
Let me start by saying that this is 2015 and actors are NOT persecuted as they once was. Neil Patrick Harris, his husband and children are a very good example. There are Rosie ODonnell, her wife and kids and the list continues on. A great many of those whom have been in show business of some sort or another have always recognized that the majority of these esteemed actors and actresses are gay/lesbian.
This is not the 1960s when homosexuality was still considered a mental illness. When the AMA & the American Mental health organization recognized that the study of 2 decades proving that there was NO connection between the mental illness and homosexuality.
Your friend is in great company and should be proud to be in a special elite group of talented persons: Agnes Moorhead, Barbara Stanwick, Rock Hudson, and Liberace.
When Judy Garland was married to Frank Minnelli MGM elite commented that he wore more makeup than Judy. There was a parade of manly men who were interested in men only. The list of these talented people goes on forever, and a little research and reading on your part may give you a better understanding.
All of the aforementioned is easily accessible. I have several friends who are gay and lesbians who are in the spot light daily. They prove to themselves and the world every day that they are proud or themselves and their work.
I am truly sorry to hear about your experience with this man. Each relationship is unique and requires work on both of your parts. We are the only ones who live within our skin, and no matter how we try to understand another and their actions we fail. X came on strong, constantly pursuing you and showing attraction and affection. Holding and sleeping entangled within each others body proves that he is sexually interested. Making sure that you are not kissing on the lips
If you once again research back, and this is still happening today, some gay men can and will have sexual intercourse with another man but he refrains from kissing. The reports of the mid to late 1980s focused on just such relationships or the man himself. At the end of the Eisler report Dr. Eisler determined that kissing on the lips was the confirmation of being homosexual.
Aramis, it seems to me (having no vested interest in either side) that X enjoys the thrill of the chase, then once you are ready to respond in return he pulls back rather rapidly. Limited communication and hurtful statements. This is not the relationship that you are obviously NOT searching for, so DO NOT settle.
I believe that if he is still coming over, spending the nights all comfortable in each others bodies then you HAVE the right to ask questions and be given truthful answers. What do you have to lose? This relationship is not at all healthy for you, nor is it satisfying and from reading what has NOT been said in your thread you are hurting much more than you would ever share at this point.
Remember, that should you find my advice helpful, and you utilize the points herein, be prepared that he may NOT be emotionally mature to be a responsible adult and take the responsibility for his actions, statement and more. Just realize that he may not find himself in a place to be honest.
Just FYI, do NOT waste your time believing that you can fix him, help or do any more than just being a friend. You deserve a truly enjoyable relationship one that keeps falling in love daily and laughter, joy and peace which is visible to everyone all the time.
My husband and I have been married for 19 years (legally), When he came into my life all of those years ago he fell in love with me day one. I liked him, but I had to think of some of my friends whom are in the public. Just for their privacy, it all come together and here we are.
You will find the right man, he will come into your life and your whole world changes. It will happen.
I with you the very best and I wish you much love and respect,
Jerry
Thank you so much for your care and your advice. Reading your reply makes me feel a lot better.
I do agree on all your thoughts about where gay people are today, and actors who are open about their sexuality. For me thats the ideal and I feel like if the man i am with was comfortable with coming out then I could come out TOGETHER. As odd as it sounds I am very afraid to come out but I am not afraid of being proud and open about a relationship. I should mention to you though that things are very very different for me because I am not writing to you from America. I am in a country and in a culture where this will bring a lot of stigma to my family and a lot of ridicule to me. His acting career will be OVER. He performs leading romantic parts in films. And I'm sure there are actors in Hollywood who are still very much in the closet. I wonder how they carry on healthy relationships.
Please realize that there are countries still stuck in the 1950s and that is just the sad reality that conflicted gay men in these parts of the world have to contend with. It makes my problem far far worse that it would seem to you. Its part of why I am so in need of someone to vent to.
You're really very perceptive. I am indeed hurting a LOT more than I'm letting on. I'm going to take your advice and confess my love to him and just be ready for an avalanche of hurt. I'm strong enough. I have nothing to lose.
Please be here!
- Aramis