Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
My partner Richard and I have been together for over 8 years now and my 19 year old son (from a previous straight marriage) has been living with us full-time for 5 years. Previously he had been staying with us part-time, but he fought with his mother almost constantly so he finally moved in with us permanently.
My son and I have always had a very close relationship, but after his girlfriend became pregnant things became stained. Both Richard and I were shocked over his girlfriend's pregnancy because we (and his mother) always impressed safe-sex and birth control with him. Both he and his girlfriend seemed to take the risk of becoming pregnant seriously, but not seriously enough apparently.
Mark is attending junior college and his girlfriend is attending an excellent college for culinary arts. Mark doesn't carry a full load of classes. Richard and I told him he at least has to have a part-time job so he can give whatever he can to help support his child.
My son hasn't been really serious about getting a job, or taking care of getting funding for school, obtaining a driver's license, keeping up chores around the house, etc...
This past Friday night he was out late with a friend and got up too late on Saturday to get to work on time. He is still going through orientation for his job. He called to tell them he doubted he would get to work on time, so they switched his orientation for next week.
Richard has always been frustrated with Mark's laziness and told him why his employer would hold his lack of responsibility against him. Mark just doesn't see it that way.
When I spoke with him I told him he was restricted from seeing his friends because of his lack of responsibility to his job. He came furious over my punishment. Later on it became a yelling match which I take a good deal of the blame for letting it escalate.
I pick up his girlfriend and our grandson for a visit. Mark and his girlfriend went out while we took care of the baby. After they returned and we got in the car to take them home, Mark said goodbye and walked away. I asked him why he wasn't going with us to take them home. He said he was going out with friends. I reminded him he was on restriction, but he said he wasn't and was going out anyway. Once he got into the house I told him he had to live by our rules. He said he wasn't going to, and I told him he would have to live somewhere else if he wasn't. Richard hates Mark's disrespect and asked him if he would rather live somewhere else rather than live by our rules. Mark said he was leaving and took a few things and left. I didn't know where he could possibly go or how long he could be gone.
Since then I've found out he's staying with his girlfriend, their son, and his girlfriend's very strict mother in their one room apartment. Due to his lack of cash, I very much doubt this can last very long. Richard is very reluctant to let him return as he's warned him about previous disrespect. Richard is fearful if we let him return the whole mess will just end up the same. I feel he could return but only if he abides by the house rules without a big argument.
Richard and Mark were always close, and I am devoted to both of them. I cannot turn my son out onto the street, but I also know that he could return to being disrespectful once again.
Whew! There's more to the story, but I feel better just getting it out!
Any input would be appreciated!
My son and I have always had a very close relationship, but after his girlfriend became pregnant things became stained. Both Richard and I were shocked over his girlfriend's pregnancy because we (and his mother) always impressed safe-sex and birth control with him. Both he and his girlfriend seemed to take the risk of becoming pregnant seriously, but not seriously enough apparently.
Mark is attending junior college and his girlfriend is attending an excellent college for culinary arts. Mark doesn't carry a full load of classes. Richard and I told him he at least has to have a part-time job so he can give whatever he can to help support his child.
My son hasn't been really serious about getting a job, or taking care of getting funding for school, obtaining a driver's license, keeping up chores around the house, etc...
This past Friday night he was out late with a friend and got up too late on Saturday to get to work on time. He is still going through orientation for his job. He called to tell them he doubted he would get to work on time, so they switched his orientation for next week.
Richard has always been frustrated with Mark's laziness and told him why his employer would hold his lack of responsibility against him. Mark just doesn't see it that way.
When I spoke with him I told him he was restricted from seeing his friends because of his lack of responsibility to his job. He came furious over my punishment. Later on it became a yelling match which I take a good deal of the blame for letting it escalate.
I pick up his girlfriend and our grandson for a visit. Mark and his girlfriend went out while we took care of the baby. After they returned and we got in the car to take them home, Mark said goodbye and walked away. I asked him why he wasn't going with us to take them home. He said he was going out with friends. I reminded him he was on restriction, but he said he wasn't and was going out anyway. Once he got into the house I told him he had to live by our rules. He said he wasn't going to, and I told him he would have to live somewhere else if he wasn't. Richard hates Mark's disrespect and asked him if he would rather live somewhere else rather than live by our rules. Mark said he was leaving and took a few things and left. I didn't know where he could possibly go or how long he could be gone.
Since then I've found out he's staying with his girlfriend, their son, and his girlfriend's very strict mother in their one room apartment. Due to his lack of cash, I very much doubt this can last very long. Richard is very reluctant to let him return as he's warned him about previous disrespect. Richard is fearful if we let him return the whole mess will just end up the same. I feel he could return but only if he abides by the house rules without a big argument.
Richard and Mark were always close, and I am devoted to both of them. I cannot turn my son out onto the street, but I also know that he could return to being disrespectful once again.
Whew! There's more to the story, but I feel better just getting it out!
Any input would be appreciated!
Okay my opinion is this, talk to him. Either he accepts it or not he is now in a more difficult situation with staying with his strict mother-in-law than with you. You have to make him understand that now he is not responsible only for his life, but for his wife and child as well. Yelling is never working and it leads to such situations (Trust me I got big background with my own family on such matters, I myself didnt left the house but my brothers did couple of times, yet we always came back, but it need pursuade). You have to sit down and have a man to man conversation with your son, let him know that your house is always open for him and all you ask from him is to have some respect, as all children have for their parents, and that he needs to grow up (as you understand sooner than the other children) because now he has to lead a family. Tell him that you will be there for him for whatever he needs BUT on his own end he has to be responsible. Leave him open doors , but ensure he will pass them with the ideal behaviour.
If the only reason he left the house is as you told us about a single fight, then I guess he will come back, specially if the living with his new mother is hard, just talk to him, and themore he struggles with his new living the easier it will be for him to come back :)
You have a child that has no direction, no sense of responsibility and no sense of forethought. What is even more frustrating is that it appears at least two of his parental figures (likely more) have tried to instill these values in him.
A young adult who cannot bring himself to mature past his childishness has something holding him back. His screaming matches and penchant for running away from homes that require him to contribute, hint at one very serious conclusion; depression.
Your ex wife got into it with him, and he left. You two got into it, and he left. I imagine a trifecta is coming when his girlfriend's mother gets on his nerves. So what do all of his triggers have in common?
He knowingly blew off his new job. He wasn't active about finding it in the first place. He would rather lose his living situation than take some responsibility. Lethargy, avoidance, detachment, anger; your son is depressed. The evidence points towards it stemming from him not liking the way his young life has turned out. No 19 year old living with his parents wants to be a father. He is probably feeling suffocated, and probably feels like his life is over before it started. So he lashes out. He reverts to childhood immaturity and disrespect as a crutch to avoid his deeper feelings. He is also angry, and projecting that anger onto you, your partner and your ex; especially when one of you tries to get him to confront his reality.
Your son needs to see a therapist, because he is stuck in a cycle. He will continue to self-sabotage and lash out until he completely alienates himself from those who love him. He needs to see that just because his life may not have turned out the way he planned, doesn't mean it can't be amazing.
I think you can offer some serious insight here. You yourself lived through a tumultuous reevaluating of your life. At one point it sounds like you had a wife and family. For a few moments you all probably resembled a Norman Rockwell painting. Well life isn't a painting. You've since come out, started over on a path you never expected to find yourself on, found someone you love to share your life with, and now have a loving albeit non-traditional family. Expectations and reality rarely align. I hope your son can find a way to see that.
I'd say, you, Richard and your ex-wife should have a conversation about reaching your son. I think some sessions with a neutral party can help him work through his emotions and help with his depression.
The ultimate goal is to help him focus on what he has and can still have, instead of focusing on what he feels he lost, because in reality you can never lose what you never had. He has a family that loves him and wants the best for him, and a child that will be looking up to him and enriching his life in ways he can't yet realize. Your happy son is still in there, he just needs some help finding himself again.
All the best,
Steve
Mark has gone through drug treatment classes where both his mother and I had to attend along with him. I felt the 12 week classes were excellent and they stressed better family communication along with goal achievement. I believe Mark's drug use is behind him (or at least I'm hopeful it is) and I really believed he was improving.
Mark and I have always had a stronger relationship than he and his mother have had with each other. And I really couldn't ask that the relationship between Mark and he could be any better.
Through the drug classes, I've met two very good therapists. Richard and I met with one of them privately regarding Mark's attitude, lack of the desire to find a job, and responsibilities of being a very young father. Richard enjoyed the meeting and I'm in the process of getting us in there for another session. But ultimately I know it's up to Mark to get his act together and actually grow up and become more responsible.
Thanks again for you wonderful input!
I'll be glad of any other advice and comments!
There is isn't much more I could add that hasn't already been said. Joe suggested a therapist, and I think that's best for starters. I know you and Richard are good parents to him so you shouldn't feel any guilt. He's made some wrong choices it seems, but ultimately he is the one to pay the consequences. You've done your best to raise him with good morals and values, there's not much more you can do.
I know you said you won't have him on the street, and I get that. Just be prepared you know it won't be smooth if he returns home. He wants to be a big boy he needs to act like one. He doesn't want to end up homeless, jobless, and loveless.
Part of the work should come from professional help, but Mark has to be willing to do work too.
Keep us posted my friend.
But, don't make it about respect for anyone. Make it very cut and dried including rent. Draw up a contract about which rooms must be maintained well (such as the kitchen and bathroom). Explicitly state that he is welcome but that he must accept the terms of the contract. Give him only three days to sign off on it. Make sure there is a stipulation about consequences for failure to pay rent (even if it is only $20.00 per week). And then enforce it.
Be clear to him that he is now a young adult and is expected to take on the responsibility of an adult. I do not suggest ever telling him to act like an adult. That phrase is too incendiary and will just create conflict that never has to be.
Those are my thoughts about how to handle your son. Of course, I am sitting at a computer in my safe and comfortable apartment. I could tell you stories about my 32 year old daughter who lived with me during her high school years. They aren't pretty, my good friends.