Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
OK. Here it goes. I am 43, married with two children and have come to the realization that my marriage will never work fully because I am gay. I supressed all these feelings my entire life because gay life was not accepted in my family and I always did what I was supposed to do. I cannot live like that anymore as I see the lack of love is killing my wife. I know nothing about gay life and live in Cleveland ohio which makes it even more difficult.
I would really like to hear from those who have gone through this same situation. It is really hard knowing how many people I will hurt if I choose to be true to myself.
Any advice is appreciated.
J
I would really like to hear from those who have gone through this same situation. It is really hard knowing how many people I will hurt if I choose to be true to myself.
Any advice is appreciated.
J
First of all, let me commend you for taking the courageous step to live your life in authenticity. This is not an easy thing to do after many years of repression and denial.
Though I've not lived what you're living through, as a therapist I have had many occassions to help male clients work through situations such as yours. So, you're not in unchartered waters dealing with this.
Yes, your decision to fully embrace who you are and to begin living your life in authenticity will hurt some you love. But consider this: hurting them is one thing; sacrificng yourself for them is quite another. The pain they suffer, they will get over. They will grieve the loss of the life and dreams they have with you and for you; it's a selfish grief.--it's about them and not you. What they stand to gain is by far greater than what the have with you now. Once you have the freedom to love those you care for from the depths of who you truly are, and not from a place of repression,, shame, and hiding, so much greater will the relationships you can forge with family and friends. Yes, there will be those who will not want a relationship with you, and that has to be ok. You will suffer losses. Some people are comfortable being miserable and are not open to change and growth--you can't be responsible for them.
Your children will benefit the most. You will teach them an invaluable lesson in courage and dignity. They will have some psychological adjustments to make, but children are extremely resilient.
Your sensitivity to your wife's pain speaks volumes about your selflessness. Denying her the love and intimacy she deserves is as cruel as it is tragic. Love her enough to be her friend and let her decide how to handle this.
Finally, there's not much to learn about beling gay. Should you choose to live your life in the gay community and become part of the gay culture, there are people and places to help you with that. However, understand being gay is not necessarily about marching in parades and participating in unbridled sex. It's about connecting and loving someone of the same sex. The life you develop and cultivate around that comes from living through it. You already have the requisite skill set to live your life authentically as a gay man. The rest is fluff.
Consider seeing a professional counselor to help you work through this process. There is much to consider, ponder, and plan for. Change is inevitable; you've confronted your truth--there's no going back into an emotional closet. Begin the work to make your life completely your own.
J