Gay Men's Challenges Support Group

This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.

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friendship nerves

juanitoc
juanitoc
A friend from work and I recently came out to each other. While I don't hide my sexuality, I don't make a big effort to clobber people over the head with it either. Most people tell me they knew anyway since I'm not the most masculine guy in the world. At any rate, when we came out to each other, this guy told me he had no clue I was gay. He is slightly younger than I am (late 30s/early 40s) and has just come to terms with his sexuality. I was always curious about him, but as he was married (recently divorced) I figured he was at the very least not open about possibly admitting to gay tendencies. At any rate, this guy is very good looking; however, at the same time that I recognize his physical attractiveness, I know he's not right for me. He's extroverted and projects self-assurance while I'm introverted, sensitive, and, let's just say, open to growth in terms of my self-confidence. He makes me nervous. Is this because I'm attracted to him and trying to suppress it? Or because I'm concerned about getting hurt? What? What is everyone's experience with this? I honestly don't feel like I have romantic feelings for him, but there does seem to be this tension between us. He seems to want to be closer friends (if only to assist him in his coming out), but he drops hints about possibly seeing us as something more. He told his mother about me, and I don't feel like we're that close yet! He seems like the kind of person who moves fast while I'm more the slow, reflective type. Perhaps he's searching for some kind of relationship security as he struggles with his new gay identity. Anyway, I'd appreciate some other views.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well I really don't identify with yo uin this situation as I have only had 1 partner in my short life so far and this partner was for 5 years. But I feel that if he is trying to take things this fast that it will only lead to a disaster and someone getting hurt. I have had many gay friend try to rush a relationship and in the end one person just got hurt. With my ex b/f of 5 years we took things slow and we lasted for quite some time. If you fo have feelings for him I would sit down and explain to him that you need to take things slow and see how they progress.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I was just going to say what you did in your second to last sentence! He is latching on to you because this is all new to him (being recently divorced) and finally feeling free to express himself. He is excited and ready to get on with his life. All he knows of the "Gay World" is you! You are available to listen, advise, and mentor him. I remember when I first came out to everyone like it was yesterday....Believe it or not I came out to my Girlfriend and she told me about a gay guy friend she had and perhaps I should talk with him for advice and guidance. I latched right on to him. I was so caught up in the euphoria of comming out to my family, girlfriend, etc... that I started to develope feelings for him. He in return developed feelings for me. We lasted for 2 years and then split. The whole relationship was doomed from the beginning as I didnt know any better. I really didnt know that there is many different ways to find mates. He liked the attention as I was a sponge absorbing, listening, and looking up to him for advice. In addition to not knowing any better, looking back I treated him as the father figure I didnt really have. He was older so I respected him.

So yes....I can relate... be careful with you co-worker! I see a lot in him as I did with myself over 10 years ago! I just wanted to someone to express my feelings to and I ended up falling in love!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Never dip your pen in the company's ink -- no matter how hot someone is and now matter how attracted your are.

Trust your instincts. You seem to recognize that he isn't your type, so keep this as a social friendship with a coworker. Sexual harassment in the workplace aside, this only serves to complicate your life in so many ways that it isn't worth it. If one of you should leave the workplace, getting a bit closer as friends might be in order but not while you both work together in some way. Nothing like someone who feels jilted to get back at you in some way.

Anyone who is that needy or desperate to be discussing you with his mother/family isn't emotionally stable at this stage of the game. You haven't had a date and he's already changed the nature of the relationship to something more.
juanitoc
juanitoc
Yeah, I know about the work issue--for the record, he no longer works with me. He quit over a year ago but has kept in touch via email mostly. Then all of a sudden he appeared out of the blue and seemed to want to start up some kind of intense friendship. I was wary, thinking what does he want from me? When we finally came out to each other, he told me that he thinks we were brought together for a reason--to teach each other in some way about life. Okay, fine, but it still seems really fast. I've spoken about all this with a coworker, and she agrees with just about everyone here that it doesn't seem like such a good idea to get too close to this guy, at least not right away. He's very persistent, though, so it won't be easy just to give him the brush off.