Joe,

I hope the hurt is less today than it was when you posted this. As I'm sure you already realize, you're the only one who knows what is right for you.

Now, with that out of the way, I was impressed with the amount of love that you were expressing in your post, both from yourself for him, and from him for you. That reminded me of one of those oft-used Dalai Lama quotes: Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

Just wanted to touch base and let you know that I'm thinking about you.

Take care,
Grady

Steve I am so sorry to hear this news. The only advice I can give is from my personal experience after my 25 yr relationship ended. I guess I saw it coming but just refused to believe it. I never thought you could fall out of love with someone, especially one you had spent nearly half your life with, but it did happen. I thought what was happening was all my fault, that I alone was to blame. I tried everything I could to salvage it. I started counseling. I tried to get him to go to couples counseling with me,which he refused. My therapist had given me a few ideas to try to revitalize our relationship, and when I discussed them with him, got shot down. I finally had to accept it was truly over and there was no going back. He even went so far as to ask me to live in the home we bought together as roommates. I refused knowing it would be pure torture and I would always be hoping we would get back together. I resigned myself to the fact that I would remain alone for the rest of my life. But I did meet someone else, and my life has moved on.

First of all, I think you did the right thing by breaking it off. I see you two hadn't lived together even after four years and that perplexes me. That in itself, unless it was your doing, would of sent up a red flag and made me question his commitment to your relationship. Another thing, if someone tells you that you deserve better than them, they are probably right. I know you have a lot of time and emotion invested and it's hard right now, but knowing you as I do, you do deserve better. You have so much going for you, looks, job, intelligence, loyalty, and commitment you don't need to waste time with someone who won't give you what you need. He even admits to not treating you right and not being able/willing to change his behavior.

You're right, he probably does love you, but is not "in love". Once again, I think you did the right thing and you need to focus on one thing-you. It will be hard to adjust but will be fine. If not, seek out a good therapist, it worked wonders for me. You're a strong young man and you still have your whole life ahead of you, and you certainly deserve to be happy. You'll find someone deserving of your love who will treat you with the love, honesty and respect you deserve.

I'm gonna message you with my # and if you need a ear to bend I'm here for you. Take care.

Thanks guys. I know it's the right thing to do. I never imagined the relationship would end with both of us still loving each other, but just not being healthy enough to maintain it.

I find myself thinking about strange things. We started dating almost immediately after I moved to NYC, and 99% of my social circle I met through him. Though I'm sure there will be a drop off, I am hopeful that some of them will want to continue a friendship. I also need to reconnect with people I may have neglected. Also, I actually smiled today remembering the advice I so often give to others; it's time to get involved. I'll give myself some time to grieve and adjust, but I've always wanted to get back into a community with a cause. I want to volunteer. There's also several gay-geek groups that seem fun. I'm also a classically trained musician and would love to dive back into the trumpet.

Grady, yes, today I was able to smile a bit. I'm trying to be hopeful. I know that there is a lot more left for me in this life, even if right now my heart feels like I'm dying. Once I work through this pain, I plan to start dating myself. After that, if some lucky guy comes along and wants to try, hopefully I'll be at a point emotionally to let him in. But that's a ways off. Until then I have to let myself cry, lean on my family and friends, and keep reminding myself that despite this heartache, I am awesome.

-Steve

I'm so sorry to hear of your break-up. I know your feelings and have been there recently myself. Only recently do I feel as though I'm moving on and letting go of him. And like you, after being with him for over three years and us both loving each other right up to the end and after, I thought we would be back together one day, too.

It's like one of my dear friends told me who is a substance abuse councilor. You'll only be able to coup with one day at a time. To think long scale how you're going to feel will only shut you down. Build your net of friends and family, rely on them.

Recently, the only thing I knew to do to get me through a final hurdle was by starting a blog to share with my friends and family so that they would know that whatever bonds were being broken recently in their lives they weren't alone in their feelings. Break ups feel so isolating, you feel like know one knows the pain you are under. Trust in that as each day passes, you'll heal more and more. It will honestly become much easier as time passes.

Joe,

It's quite a no brainer that you are still in love. My understanding from what you've written is that he is most probably still in love with you too. Sometimes we need our personal space to find ourselves. Perhaps your boyfriend needs his space. I would think that you shouldn't just write-off the relationship like that. Give yourselves time apart. Find your ground again. If he really is someone you love with your deepest emotion you and him will find ways to love eachother again like it was before. It's not everyday you find someone you give your heart away to. So if you had found that someone, don't let him slip away that easily. Fight for him. Fight to get him back. Love is precious... one should always fight for it.

Imrak,

Of course we love each other, but love is not enough. He needs help. His refusing to move in together is the last in a long string of commitment issues. He was so terrified that leading up to the move in, he became emotionally distant, and borderline abusive. What does that say about me if I staid with him? I love myself far too much to subject myself to someone who could treat themselves that way and treat me that way.

Of course I love him, and I probably always will to some extent. However, I told him in no uncertain terms, that the only way he will ever see me again is if he gets professional help. I'm not writing him off, but I'm also not putting my life on hold for something that may never materialize. I gave him years to step up. It is time to put my needs first.

I will treasure the love we had, and how much he helped me grow as a person. When things were good, they were great. But he is stuck. There is a huge mental block there, and he chose his fear over me.

I am not letting him slip away easily, I've fought and struggled for a long time to keep our love alive. But at the end of the day, a relationship where only one person is trying is not a relationship. Relationships are built on more than love.

"Relationships are built on more than love."

That's so true, Steve. There are so many other aspects involved, such as mutual respect, consideration of feelings, acceptance of shared responsibilities, and meaningful communication. Take care, my friend.