Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
A little background first. I was diagnosed in 2009 with chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder related to domestic violence when I was growing up and events I witnessed in the military and another job. As a result, I spent some time in and out of hospitals getting treatment and learning how to manage symptoms. During this time I also discovered meditation and Buddhist practice. I soon began pealing back the layers of who I am, and needless to say, an old demon that I had fought long and hard to defeat, showed back up. I began questioning my sexual orientation again. Something I hadn't done since high school. I dated both boys and girls in high school, but eventually married the person who was my best friend. She and I have three children together and have been married for 22 years. I still love her very much. I don't feel like I'm in love and the need to be free of the demon by coming out once and for all, is killing me.
I tried coming out a couple of years ago and my wife and I separated for several months. I dove head first into a relationship with a man and eventually felt some intense guilt and anxiety, particularly over the separation from my youngest son who was five at the time. I returned home, but nothing has been the same. I feel distant and I'm having a hard time connecting on even the simplest emotional level. Some of this is related to PTSD, the rest of it is me trying find where I fit.
I've thought numerous times over the past few weeks that it would just be so much easier to end it. I have suicidal thoughts but no desire to kill myself. I really want to live and experience more of life, and yet, I want to end the emotional pain I feel. I have a psychologist that has been helping me with the PTSD and now is helping me with all of this other stuff as well. I have a history of reaching out when I can't cope any longer, so I'm not really worried about harming myself.
So my questions are, has anyone else been in a long term marriage, had kids and came out late in life? And, should I do what I feel is right and end the marriage?
I tried coming out a couple of years ago and my wife and I separated for several months. I dove head first into a relationship with a man and eventually felt some intense guilt and anxiety, particularly over the separation from my youngest son who was five at the time. I returned home, but nothing has been the same. I feel distant and I'm having a hard time connecting on even the simplest emotional level. Some of this is related to PTSD, the rest of it is me trying find where I fit.
I've thought numerous times over the past few weeks that it would just be so much easier to end it. I have suicidal thoughts but no desire to kill myself. I really want to live and experience more of life, and yet, I want to end the emotional pain I feel. I have a psychologist that has been helping me with the PTSD and now is helping me with all of this other stuff as well. I have a history of reaching out when I can't cope any longer, so I'm not really worried about harming myself.
So my questions are, has anyone else been in a long term marriage, had kids and came out late in life? And, should I do what I feel is right and end the marriage?
The problem with sexual orientation is that it is fixed. It is not fluid as some enjoy saying. Your natural desires are never going away.
I also grew up in a violent home and have intense feelings of guilt over that. It was not until Dad died that I truly let all of it go. We were protecting a criminal who beat up our mother over many years. The tension and fear in our home was always present. Dad kept all of us on edge constantly. It is trauma to live that way and difficult to change. I spent 15 years in therapy during my thirties and forties until I finally experienced a major depression. The good news for me is that the depression lifted after five years and now I am medication free. It seriously harmed my ability to have good relationships with others.
As you can see, your story is similar to mine. One difference is that I met my ex-wife in a gay bar and knew her first husband intimately. So, there were no secrets. My ex-wife made it easy to divorce her as she micromanaged my life so that I would not stray and often pointed out that she "saved" me from homosexuality. The pain of the disrespect grew too great, so I ended our marriage. The kids were three and four years old (both girls). It is now 25 years after the divorce. I am estranged from all three (ex-wife and our daughters).
I think that is your fear. I am taking a guess that your situation is friendlier and that you and and your wife enjoy a better relationship than I had in my marriage.
I would not tell you whether to end your marriage or not. I believe, however, that you must live true to yourself. That means that your desires for men will not change. It is also possible that you cannot experience romance with a woman because you lean towards men. I believe that might explain why you do not feel you are truly living.
I wish you well and have added you as a friend. I promise to be respectful and considerate of any exchanges we have between us online. You seem like a good guy who needs to stop worrying over what people think and live according to who you know you are. That could mean a loss of some relationships which is scary. But, if you do not live true to yourself, you continue to be tortured inside. Of that I am sure. I wish you well and look forward to sharing more and listening to more of your feelings going forward.
Your friend,
Joe
I know that he was dating the pastor's son through high school. Then another best friend etc. What happened with him was he dated a guy for some quite some time and then started dating his older sister.. Who, unfortunately became his wife. I believe he married her, so that the brother & him were safe.
She was excited about life, marriage and the thought of a family. From what I understand they had sexual encounters only 10 during the course of 12 -14 year marriage. They had two boys, both who were lost (in my opinion).
In 1988 I told him he needed to look within and stop hurting himself, the boys and his wife. I told him that the longer he postponed coming out, the more the innocent were going to suffer.
Finally, he came out, separated from his wife, she left the boys with him and it was over, He met a guy who he fell head over heals for. They had a short life together (5 years). One day all of the stress came to a head and he had a massive heart attack and passed.
I am thankful that he finally had the courage and strength to be honest to himself, his family and friends. What I can say is that he found a great deal of happiness ever for such a short time.
I hope that you found some help within this reply.
Jerry