Hello there :)

I came out almost 5 years ago. I was 23 and still pretty deep in the closet, at least in my opinion. I didn't know how to announce to everyone that I was gay... One day my stepmother point blank asked me if I was and I started to cry... She told me it was okay and that my dad already knew... Actually most people knew or assumed and it wasn't ever really talked about. It was a purple elephant in the room for many years... My dad came home from work immediately and we had a big talk about everything. I was so upset. At first I felt so violated but then I realized that I was really lucky and maybe now I would get to live as who I really was. I had been so afraid of what my dad would think... He was really the only one whose opinion mattered to me. I learned that I had the support of all my family members and all of my friends. I was extremely lucky, especially for living in SLC, UT. I can't imagine living not being open about my sexuality now. It does such a disservice to everyone. Constantly having to worry if was "acting too gay" or not being manly "enough" was something I always had on my mind. Being asked if I had a girlfriend or a boyfriend were questions I dreaded... I'm glad and grateful that it's not something I even think about now.

-Sam

I came out to myself at 37 and to my wife of 14 years at 38 so I think that qualifies me to try to answer. I can only relate from MY experience. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that everyone has their own reasons and experiences.

What would make someone wait so long to come out?
I was born and raised in a conservative political/religious environment where homosexual behavior was labeled as a choice. As I navigated in an environment where that was the dominant perception I had the tendency to accept it as truth.

Lack of self-acceptance?
Yes. In retrospect I'd go so far to label it as self-hate. I experienced a lot of direct ridicule for being perceived as gay in my high school.

Wanting to please their family by getting married and having kids and all that?
That's part of it. Each of us from the time we are small gets fed a script of what our parents and the society at large feels is a guaranteed path to happiness. Like anyone else I sought and wanted parental approval.

Or did they truly not know until they were in the 40s? How can you not know something so basic? Is the very thought of it completely repressed?
I lumped these together because they are so intertwined. In retrospect I've known since 5th grade, but being a kid and in search of approval it got repressed. Buried even. Into my early twenties when so many of my school friends were getting married and starting their families I started to feel left out from the script. Self-hate suppressed it and I made a bad decision to try to start a life according to script.

Did you have gay experiences while you were married?
In my case no. I was faithful for 13 years. Come to find out, I was the only one who was.

Was there guilt involved?
Boy howdy, is there guilt. LOTS and LOTS of guilt.

What forced you to come out? Mid-life crisis issues? Depression? Suicidal thoughts?
All of the above. I finally summoned up the courage to even consider it as a cause for the symptoms of depression and suicidal thought. It still took me several years ('02-'07) to fully come to terms with what it would mean for the life I was trying to build as a fraud. Those were my darkest years and my heart goes out to anyone who is living that life right now. I KNOW how much pain there is.

How did your spouse take it?
Surprisingly and refreshingly well. No bed of roses mind you. I also have to say this: Not everything was horrible. We had built a life founded on the ideas of love and mutual respect. Living with someone who is depressed takes it's toll on anyone and most people don't take the Jerry-Springer-Folding-Chair-To-The-Head approach to life. We had no children

How has your life been since coming out?
Challenging. Burying that part of yourself so deep doesn't come without damage to your self-worth and general outlook for happiness. I keep waiting and hoping for things to "get better". But it has taken time for me to get comfortable in my skin and forgive myself. The biggest challenges have been reconciling my identity in the non-intimate relationships of my life - Friends, Family, and colleagues.

Is it all you thought it would be or have you ever thought I should have stayed in the closet?
I was really sad to discover there was no gift basket, welcome committee, or discount card (sarcasm in case you missed it). I've been very fortunate to interact with a very wide range of "family" throughout my life so I've got a good (albiet scattered) network of close friend who "always knew" and frankly don't care. I'm so glad I've taken steps to get out of the closet. I still may retreat from time to time but I've at least taken off the door and cracked a window. If I had children my answer may be different. It feels good to finally accept who I am when I look in the mirror in the morning. I may still have a lot of struggle ahead of me as it relates to coming out to brothers, sisters, extended family, and coworkers - but Mom & Dad got their news last October. It's awkward, but we're still at least talking and I'm taking that as a positive sign that they are trying. I understand that after it having taken 3 years for ME to even begin to reconcile internally they will need time too.

Hope that helps answer some of your questions.

Samguy28, you're very lucky to have such a supportive family. I was in SLC recently for the first time, and I noticed what a family-centric place it seemed to be. Very outdoorsy and athletic too.

L8bloomer, thanks for your very thorough reply. Good luck in achieving the life you want and deserve.

I guess part of the reason I ask is because I've worked with a few guys who have had this on-again off-again flirtation with me over the years. It's almost as if after they've flirted a bit part of them shuts down, as if to say, "No, I can't go there." And they retreat from me. But I wonder just how happy they think they can be denying something so fundamental. I'm always reminded of that movie Maurice where Hugh Grant flirts with Maurice and then backs off, gets married, and spends the rest of his life pining from afar but basically allowing himself to be smothered underneath a straight persona. That seems so sad, tragic really.

I was never big into pleasing others, but it seems some are--Jane Fonda calls it the "disease to please." So I suppose I can understand it. I just wonder if some of these closeted types will ever be comfortable expressing that part of themselves. I think part of the problem is letting one's self-worth be defined by one's perceived expectations of others rather than trying to develop your own sense of yourself and what your own values are. But I know this is easier said than done, and one has to be willing to go down an awfully lonely road to achieve this kind of self-realization.

Hey John, guess what I am 40 and I am just starting to come out. I live in a ridculously religious town where my parents are role models and very conservative. They will be the last to know. I will have to relocate tio a bigger and more progressive city.

I really messed up for not coming out in my 20s when I was in college.

Guys, don't be afraid to come out. It really messed up my life not doing this earlier.