Hi All. I have not used this site in so long mainly because I have been doing OK for the most part in the last few years. My name is Hazel79 *(yes I am a guy - many have asked - figured I would throw it out there lol) I am a 34 year old single gay man who has lived off and on with anxiety and depression which has for the most part been manageable. My sexual orientation may not make a difference to a lot of you but I feel it is relevant to me as it may have been a contributing factor to my anxiety and depression (with undealt with issues growing up of not accepting myself at the time etc). I suppose I have always been an anxious and flighty person. As far as I remember I have been very self-conscious, as well as being raised by a narcissistic mother. I was doing quite well about 10 months ago for about 4 months (with meditations, healthy eating, and positive changes in company etc). However, as of late (last few months), I have noticed a negative change within me. This is hard as heck to come clean with all of you but feel that I am strong enough to do so. Here is what I have attempted to lay out exactly has I have been feeling, which I have been neglecting to do for the past few months:

I am tired of keeping this in. I cant stand waking up every day with absolutely no energy. I feel robbed, useless, and really not very valuable to the world. I am constantly tired and feel that my brain is incapable of providing any sort of direction as to where I should go. I know what I need to do but each time I think of what is right for me something tells me you cant do it or you are not good enough. Every morning I wake up last this and have been doing so for the past few months Id say back to January. I feel embarrassed to even write this to you all and I am certainly glad that I do not have a partner in my life at this moment who has to bare this stress from me. The reason why I write this is to provide a backup for a therapist whom I intend on seeing when I get back to town.

I have been on vacation for the past two weeks in Palm Springs. Leading up to this vacation, I was still feeling these symptoms but denying them at the back of mind, convincing myself that once I am on vacation these will just go away. I figured two weeks in the sun would do the trick which has been helpful but not 100% healing. I have been using work, my latest production, and my 1 hour commute (each way) to work as excuses or attempted scapegoats to convince myself that oh these are the reasons and was willing to wait until this vacation was or completed. We are now on the last day and I feel completely empty. I have not been able to relax; I have had anxiety, and depression. I feel unlovable and useless. I have had issues with alcohol blackouts and have given up touching the stuff as I do not need to have a crutch to bring me down which as we all know is a depressant. I have difficultly expressing myself verbally I feel this is the only way I can really attempt to give a clue as to what the hell has been going on. I feel like in my work I am not an effective team player as I do not know how to verbally communicate effectively, even though I am told that I sound just fine. I I have also have had sleeping issues and have been diagnosed with a very mild sleep apnea (although I am very thin most people would figure it would only affect heavy people not true). I feel that in social situations I clam up until I get to know someone I stutter in my mind, and I really feel like I am being judged. I really have tried to be positive in a lot of respects, pushing myself to go for runs, listening to my meditation CDs, deep breathing but then I procrastinate. My mind feels like it is cluttered constantly, and when I do things such as meditations, I really try and focus on keeping my mind still, although, I can still feel my thoughts trying work 100% with its garbage. I dread coming home this week and going back to work next week worrying about what is going to happen. I have a couple of plays that I am acting in that are coming up next month and in August and I really havent started studying for and feel that I may fail at that as well. I havent bothered to talk to anyone for fear of being judged or being vulnerable. I cant live like this anymore. I dont feel suicidal in any respects, but I just feel like a zombie that only wakes up, feels numb, shows up, goes home, and sleeps. People have made comments to me before as to how well I was doing and how relaxed and calm I used to be (which is when I started to meditate) but since January when I started a new production (and a very difficult dance routine which I think may have triggered this) it hasnt been the same and I dont know why. The comments now indicate that I give off a nervous energy and that I am uncomfortable. This makes me feel defeated for the work I have done previously and I feel like throwing in the towel. This is how I feel at this moment let me tell you and wont necessarily feel this way forever but I refuse to keep what I feel inside anymore and feel it is time to attempt to write this down in words. I am a good person who would never want my worst enemy to feel this way and I also feel why me? Its pathetic I know but I really need to nip this in the bud. At any rate, I just wanted to give you all a starting basis as to how I feel and to see if this is something you have had to deal with, and what you had done in order to make yourself feel stronger to cope. Any help would be very much appreciated.

Regards,

Hazel79