Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
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Me and my boyfriend broke up after a long 4 1/2 year relationship. We are still living together because of the lease. Today he brought some guy home and slept with him in his bed. He let me know that he was doing this. I am devastated. When i came home I met the guy at the door. It was pretty much a quickie and I am so upset. I don't know how I can get past this. I can not believe he would do that while I was home (I was just getting off of work). I am so depressed and just feel like crap. Can someone shed some light on this? I feel like i just want to leave and never come back. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed, hurt, and angry all at the same time.
I can relate all too well to that scenario. I allowed my ex to live with me after our break-up and it ate me alive. I endured 8 months of it before I found my self-esteem and told him to hit the bricks. The only good thing I did for myself during that time was to make it a rule that there would be NO bringing over fuck buddies. It sounds like you may need to sit him down and let him know that he is being an insensitive ass and needs to be more considerate of your feelings.
I do not know how your relationship with him was, nor do I know how it ended, so I can only make a general comment. He could be doing it to make you jealous. He could be doing it to hurt you. He could be just that much of a jerk that your feelings don't matter to him anymore. Without knowing the dynamics of your prior relationship and current agreement about your living arrangements, it is hard to know how best to advise you.
One of the things that you may need to do is set down the boundaries that he cannot bring home guys to the house. He should respect your feelings enough to make other arrangements until the lease is up. There is no excuse for him to bring home another man while you share a place.
What I also see is that you are still carrying feelings for him. He may be still carrying feelings for you and this was his way to make you jealous. Again, without knowing anything about your breakup or relationship, it is hard to know what his intent is. Do yourself a big favor, if you aren't planning on getting back with him, set some boundaries or move out. Living with someone you have shared your life with and are no longer in a loving relationship with is pure torture.
I speak from experience with this because I remember very well how it felt to watch him date other people and screw around. Respect yourself enough to let him know that his actions are hurting you. If he doesn't understand that, its probably one of the reasons you two broke up. Common sense would tell someone that bringing home a date or sex buddy is something that would hurt the ex.
Now, the other side of the coin is this. If you are both on a lease, and he is paying for his portion of the rent, he does have the right to bring home whomever he wants. That is one of the main reasons I'd say to move out if possible. When a long-term relationship ends, you need to give it closure. Part of that closure is to no longer see that person for awhile. Neither of you can experience life without the other in it to see if that is a mistake if you are still living in the same house.
Part of the grieving process of a break-up is letting go of the attachments you held onto with him. Living together while one or both of you are dating is tantamount to putting rubbing alcohol on an open wound. There can be no moving on emotionally for you while you still care about what he does. If it is over, let it be over and move on. If it is for financial reasons that you are still living there, then make sure to set him down and agree on the do's and don'ts for the duration of the lease. If you both cannot agree on the boundaries needed for the duration, it would probably be best if one of you moved out.
I can only tell you that you have my prayers. I know the pain and suffering that this situation causes because it almost ripped me apart. Be kind to yourself and allow the ex to be an ex somewhere else.
Take care
~Wolfie
If it is, tell him directly that you feel very uncomfortable and ask him not to bring his fucks home... go to their place.
After all - you are both on the lease - you need to respect each other and what you used to mean to each other.
If he can't accept that - tell him you are going to move out - find somewhere else to live - he can manage the lease on his own.
Sex is only part of a relationship - that part of your friendship is over. It must have been very hurtful though.
I was in a relationship for 13 years - finally walked out on him on 1st January 2010 at 13:20 - I finally realised he wouldn't let me be the main part of his life rather than his Mother - who he spoke with 4 or 5 times a day - usually about me.
Three years later, I'm finally free. It took a large amount of pain and tearing within my soul - but I'm okay now.