Gay & Lesbian Teens Support Group
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My daughter and I have always had a very open relationship and I have told her she could come to me about absolutely anything. She is currently 13 years old, but when she was about 7, she used to say she wished she was a boy and everything she did (clothes she wore, stuff she was interested in) were for boys. She did grow out of this for a while though she always remained very much a tomboy. She never has been into girl things (dolls, makeup, dressing up, etc), but she had crushes on boys and has even had a couple boyfriends.
Here lately she has told me that those feelings of wishing she was a boy has come back (never really went away), so we had a conversation about it. I asked her if she thought she was going to try to become a guy when she was older. She said maybe, but she wasnt sure. She is already asking about binding and is wanting to start wearing sports bras instead of regular bras. She is not sure if she is into girls or guys but she said she has had a crush on a girl, and she has had a couple of boyfriends.
I know she is only 13 years old, and she may change her mind, but part of me thinks that since she has had these feelings since she was really young that this maybe who she is. I want to support her and told her I support her in whatever decision she makes and she can come to me and talk about anything, but does anyone have any advice and how to be supportive during this time? I dont really know what I am asking, I guess, I just want her to know that she can be who she is and that I will love her no matter what she decides. But I also want to make sure we can keep this open line of communication and that she doesnt have to hide anything from me.
Here lately she has told me that those feelings of wishing she was a boy has come back (never really went away), so we had a conversation about it. I asked her if she thought she was going to try to become a guy when she was older. She said maybe, but she wasnt sure. She is already asking about binding and is wanting to start wearing sports bras instead of regular bras. She is not sure if she is into girls or guys but she said she has had a crush on a girl, and she has had a couple of boyfriends.
I know she is only 13 years old, and she may change her mind, but part of me thinks that since she has had these feelings since she was really young that this maybe who she is. I want to support her and told her I support her in whatever decision she makes and she can come to me and talk about anything, but does anyone have any advice and how to be supportive during this time? I dont really know what I am asking, I guess, I just want her to know that she can be who she is and that I will love her no matter what she decides. But I also want to make sure we can keep this open line of communication and that she doesnt have to hide anything from me.
let me start off with, im now 21, iv been on this site for awhile now, sense i was like 17 i think. i cant remember, thats why i still come to this area, cause iv been there and done that and want to help some of who i can everyonce in awhile. now, im a lesbian, but the fact of the matter is, above all else im a human. im normal. i eat, breath, bathe, have hobbys and all that stuff. im just a female person who happens to like females. when i was younger i loved being a tomboy, being rough, wearing pants, all guy-ish things. i still to this day do not like make up. i never did. i didnt really go threw a phase that ever made me LIKE it. i didnt like dolls, i liked stuffed animals, i liked toy cars, and what ever. as a mom, just act like you would (this being said if shes not wanting to be a transender) if she liked boys. she also may be bi. but i dont know. no a days it seems like there are a lot of bi people out there and that THATS a phase. its like the new IN-thing. but i dont know. i mean i know some people who do like girls and guys and they dont get over it, but a good majority are just testing the waters. but all of thats beside the point. if shes straight, ok nothing changes, if shes bi- nothing changes, if shes a lesbian, NOTHING CHANGES. if she wants to be a guy, well mommy, congratulations, you just got a baby boy! *shrugs*
Being tomboyish and liking girls wont always go straight to 'im a transgender', there are a lot like myself, who just like plain jane style and who are attracted to women.
almost everyone i know has NOT gone threw this 'i hate my mom' stage. only like me and 2 of my friends in which only one of them are in my situation. the other one still likes her mom, they are just eating at eachother after 22 years.
I guess the most important thing is, give her space when she needs it. but at least say you are willing to listen if she wants to talk. my mother is to smothering. and i WISH she would mind her own business. i mean she supports me and all, its just as a mother shes smothering and its to much. remember the saying 'you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink.' well you can try and try and try to communicate, but unless she really wants to she wont say anything. you and her seem to have a good communication though. just do what ever you are doing right now. nod, smile, and say ok. (unless like me she finds that when mommy does that, thats creepy cause somethings up. haha. i dont know how your relationship is.)
one thing about boy crushes, iv had crushes on boys but inside i cant be with them. i think their faces are cute, johnny depp and josh hutchuson are 2 of my celeb crushes, but when it comes down to being intimate i just cant be with guys. my body responds to female bodys, with the guys its just like AWWWWW ISNT HE A CUTE LITTLE PUPPPYYYY?!?!?!?!?! i find animals adorable, but its not like i want to have a relationship with them. you can like animals personalitys, you can cherish animals, and you can love them like they are your family, but when it comes down to it you just dont want to be with them like THAT. (some people do, but personally i dont.)
i guess if you accept her as her then i would say something like "I know that you are questioning whether you want to be a girl or guy, whether you like girls or guys or both. but im here for you. if you decide to stay a girl, i have no problem with that, if you decide to be a boy, then i guess i have a son. if you like guys then i hope you meet a nice one who will respect you and love you, and likewise if you find a girl. if you wish to marry a girl i also have no issue with that, i will have another to call my daughter. i love and care about you for who you are, not what gender you want to be, or who you decide to like. i want you to be comfortable with yourself no matter what, and i want WHOEVER you decide to be with, i dont care if its a girl or a boy, i just want them to love and care about you. im always here if you want or need an opinion, or if you need help. what ever you do, ill be by your side."
NOW if after all that your still reading and i didnt scare you off, i hope everything works out well! just be patient. shes still young. she has at least 7 years to figure things out haha. (im giving till shes 20 cause by then if shes experimented enough as teens do, then by then they should know what or who they like. and who they...sorta are.) im still trying to figure out what i want to do with my life, all i know is, i like art, animals, and cooking. my girlfriend doesnt even know that much and shes 11 years older then me haha (yes 11 years. it happens, still coming to terms with it myself, but when we are together, the world is shut out and i dont even think about our age difference. not until i take a step back and see when we were born do i actually start to question a lot. but we fit good together.)
with your daughter however as a mother i know you have a right to be like 11 years???? i dont want MY daughter to be with someone thats 24 when shes only 13!!!! and THAT is completly understandable. i have known my girlfriend for almost 2 years, and been with her almost 1 year. meaning i was 19 when i met her and 20 when we got together. and all that in mind, not everyone has that drastic years difference, for now it seems like all shes going to be having (if shes not dating outside the school.) is bout 4 years difference depending on if its a senior or a freshman, or if its a 6-8th grader. *shrugs* i didnt really date outside my school, but i didnt really do any activities. i dont know what she does whether its play video games or sports, or does art, or even nothing at all. just remember to take a step back, a breath, then figure out what might happen, good or bad, and whether YOU are ok with it. keep an open mind, but be careful to not let her go into danger.
Ok im done now cause i think i got it all. i hope i didnt confuse you to much. basicly, shes your daughter (or son). and hey, go somewhere you both like and just wing it for the day! thats all that you can do. mother/daughter(son) times. OR if you guys like baking do a baking thing. my mom and i do xmas cookies for our friends (its hectic. cause we have about 15-20 different things, and about 8-10 different people/familys to give away, ranging about a little easter basket full of goodies, or a HUGEEEEEEE easter basket full of goodies.) mind you, we use xmas containers and stuff, im just trying to relate the sizes. haha. but same could be said for art, or sports. i dont know what hobbys you like, and i dont know what hobbys she likes. nothing will change though. she will be herself. shes experimenting. obviously shes a tomboy, and wont change, nether will her hobbys. i have done art all my life, back when i first could pick up a crayon to now when im doing graphic arts as well as multiple mediums including clay, graphite, pens, cakes (gotta get baking in there somewhere, haha.) although im not one for sewing, and i never have been. *shrugs* but again, find things you and her like to do and just do it. dont force it.