Well the day is getting closer that I go for another weight in. It's been six weeks since the last one and i promise you I feel like I haven't lost one pound although my clothes are swimming on me and the pictures i've been taking it kind of shows it - but in my head i am frantic that when I get on the scale it won't show much loss at all. I purposely do not weigh myself at home because as you see I have a heightened fear of the scale and slight panic attacks the closer it gets to being weighed. Does anybody else go through this foolishness?

on another note I order the cami shaper collection - 3 cami bra's, 3 cami shapers and 3 leggings. I am going to be sucked in till this time next year OMG. My husband said try them on tonight - as if!!!! That is something I have to do privately first as I anticipate a great deal of tugging etc.

my eating is getting a lot better although I am nervous to say it out loud because I dare not jinx it. The food getting stuck and throwing up has minimized greatly and I am happy about that. I think my head has finally resolved at least the issue of caring how long it takes to eat a meal whether privately or publicly. I just focus on my food like i'm taking an exam and i make it work for me.

Life is still very challenging emotionally, it's as though the more I try to focus on myself the more the world around me is falling apart and I find myself fighting depression. One night I'd had it so bad all I could do was come in, get in bed and curl up in the fetal position and pray. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass and I trust God that it will. I know I care and love entirely too hard and I take losses deeply and 4 at one time was a bit much. To add insult to injury, my sons wife walked out on him and took his child with no warning and we have no idea where they are - she is not communicating and he was totally blindsided - the anguish that he is going through is enough to rip your heart out and i've literally had to discourage him from hurting himself. I don't know where I continue to get the strength but as each day it becomes more and more difficult to be that person for everybody. My heart is broken for him and we are all just waiting with baited breath till she reaches out to inform us where his child is. If I though screaming into the hemisphere would help - i'd probably never stop. Please keep us in prayer that we all don't completely loose it.

I guess if this cloud were to have a silver lining and in this instance it does, I am not binge eating my way through this nor am I drowning my sorrows in alcohol as I've done in the past. I am sober, and focused on my weight loss for once the walls are still standing and i'm still in the fight. So for those of you struggling and having doubts, don't tell God how big your problems are tell your problems how big your God is, because He and only He gets me through the rough patches of life and He will do the same for you.

Hang in there and be blessed.