Sometimes its really hard to keep my head and chin up. Since making the decision I have been set back so many times on my efforts. I have the need, and the want to get things done but my darn body just isn't cooperating with me. I deal with the head games that I myself put on me. What if this surgery just isn't right for me. Don't we just love the what if game. But you know I realized that the emotions I am feeling have been felt by many of you in your journey so I am not alone. I know that there are times when its hard to maintain focus been there done that way to many times to count. There are people in my life that just don't seem to understand why I would want to do this to myself. Well I am not looking at this as a punishment or some sort of sacrifice that I am making in order to lose weight. Heck, if this was because of a vanity thing I would have done this years ago. This is for me and my health, I need to know that people are around me who will care for and support me because there are going to be times when I don't necessarily care for myself. I make myself a list of things that I want to do when I can move again. Things I want when the weight is off that are vanity centered because even though I am not doing it for the vanity of it I do have some things I would love to have if I was smaller. I was scared to death of the possibility that I would have to wait six months to have the surgery because I was scared of backing out all together. But I have found that since then I am embracing the time as time to prepare my home and myself for what is to come. I have bought a couple of books on weight loss surgery and ones that specifically talk about the round of emotions that a person goes through after the surgery. There are issues that I have to deal with because I don't want them popping up and striking me when I am at my lowest. Probably my biggest fear is being down. I have always hated having surgeries because I have been scared of once I have the surgery not being able to get back up again. I think of all the things I am missing out on right now and there is so much that I want to do but just can't because my size stops me. I have been wanting to enroll in a water aerobics class for the longest time because that exercise would be good for me, haven't done it because my swimsuit doesn't fit any more. I can't afford to buy a new one that would fit me ($80 is a lot to spend when you don't have the extra) but you know what I decided that I am going to sign up for those classes and just do them in my shorts and tank top. There is always a struggle here or there. But the wonderful thing is that there is always support from people who have been there and done that in this support group. I know there are people here that will care for me and give me that extra push when I need it. If your uncertain and you are reading this just know you will get information, advice, and support from caring individuals on this site more so than most of the other sites I have looked at. Keep the faith and hold your head up. That's my new mantra.