I have been with the same man for 17 yrs I have never felt good enough he wanted me to lose weight from day one but i gained 100 lbs in the last 17 yrs I have so much anger toward him I some what blame him for my over eating :(

I was never a "fat kid" but I was always bigger, faster, and stronger. I mean a head & shoulders above my classmates, and beat ANY boy/girl in school in a foot race. When I was in 1st grade, the nurses would weigh each student in each class (for what I have no idea), in front of every classmate (one long line like cattle). I could have cared less about being weighed, until I heard what other little girls in my class weighed and what the boys weighed. I was always more than them, and they let me know it.

For some reason, our parents didn't know about this phenomenon until a few years ago when I was jokingly mentioning it to my mom/sisters. It was at that moment that I started to notice numbers and that mine were always bigger than everyone else's.

My family was also a "clean your plate" family, that kids were starving in other countries and that I better eat all my food. However, we were not allowed very many sweets and never sugary cereal. When we would go to parties/cookouts, my mom would badger me & my sister about "having eaten enough" and "stop eating the junk food" out loud and in front of relatives/strangers. It was horrifying. My sister and I then began hoarding what sweets WERE in the house, distracting our mom one at a time so the other could sneak into the cookie jar and grab a few snacks for bedtime.

Even now, living alone I sometimes find myself hiding behind my closed door and eating snacky foods. I know this happens when i am lonely and bored. I have been so much better about working on this since surgery is around the corner. If I start to "feel hungry" I just have some water or ignore it all together. I know that when I am with my fiance, I am not snacking at all, even though he is a snack-a-saurus-rex!

Counseling is a good thing :) and helps a lot!

I am ready for my life to change for the better! Feb 20th is sneaking up on me faster every day!

Great shares ladies!! I think it is healthy for us to put this stuff out there. For me, by writing (typing) it all out, it makes me have to face it in the light of day :)

I ate my feelings and pain for most of my life. I was trained to relate food with love. How warped is that! It wasn't until I started getting help and started working through all the pain that I finally learned that it was ok to be responsible for me. At that point I quit blaming everyone and everything else for what I had been doing to myself. I started reading Geneen Roth and Doreen Virtue books which totally changed my perspectives. Food was not my demon. My warped thinking about food was the problem. When I started changing my thinking my life started changing.

Lcat, i think you're right. Food is not the bad guy. It's just food. It has the power to keep is norished. Period. We should not give it our power. I've used food as a tool to cope with life, much like somone gambles, drinks, etc.

In fact, a counselor told me once that i should be pleased i found a way to cope. (A little weird concept i know) but, i coped, and that is good. However, now that i know whats going on (use of food to cope) it is time to take my power back and find a healthier way to cope.

Not sure if that makes sense. It seems to be clearer in my head :)

Anyways. Roths books are truly woderful! They make me laugh, cry and feel...

Thanks for sharing lcat! I find it informative to see where others are coming from. I usually find a piece of myself in it.

Oh boy! Lets see how deep this goes for me. I think my issues began at 9 years old. I was the husky kid who wore "husky" pants. That year I asked my dad to play tackle football. At the time I weighed 115, but needed to weigh 95 to play and had 2 weeks to get the weight off. Long story short, I lost the weight (not in the healthiest of ways) and was able to play.

At that point I think I wrapped my mind around the idea of being able to get into shape for the season and out of shape out of season lol. Every year of my life my weight increased to the point where I played my senior year in college at 300. Which is great for football, but not realizing there weren't any more seasons left. I never had issue being big because I always thought it was an athletiv advantage. Since that last football season I had put on 136 extra pounds.

In the years since my last season, I have tried every diet known to man; Lindora, weight watcher, Atkins, etc..The results were always the same lose 20 to 30 and gain 30 to 40 back. About 5 years ago I decided to go through with WLS only to back out at the last minute. My pride got in the way and I told myself I could do it on my own. Well I was wrong!

In the last 5 years, I started not like my "advantage." I couldn't go on rides at Disneyland or have the energy to coach like I used to. So I finally decided to go through with the WLS. I think mentally I was ready and have been pretty happy with my decision. I am looking forward to new possiblities.

Boy, I think that was too deep.

I guess I always knew I hid behind food as comfort, stress-relief, take away boredom, etc., my whole life. I was first aware that I was "different" when my mom went to purchase patterns to make clothes for me and I didn't fit into the "girls" patterns, but "chubbies". I was usually the largest girl in the class, all the way through high school. No dates then, few in college, fewer as an adult. So to ease the hurt of rejection, I ate and ate. When I finally heard the wake-up call 2 years ago, my health was so out of control and I knew I had to do something. Having RNY was the best thing I ever did...however, I'm having a tough time with sweets - I'm one of those who doesn't dump when I eat sugar. I'm still dealing with the food demons - thank God for a great therapist who is helping me come to grips with these things and find ways to get them out of my life.

Thanks for putting this thread up - it's good for all of us to be honest with ourselves.

Lucy
RNY 11/1/11

Couple more good shares! Thanks!!

I was thin and very athletic until I became a teenage wife and mother at 19. Unfortunately my daughter was born with a severe heart condition and spent most of her first 4 years in the hospital where I lived on hospital food, vending machines and take out. Also I became stressed and depressed and this is where the slide began. It is now 30 years later and I am just understanding how all of this had a long term affect. And my daughter.....is my biggest supporter!!

My dad was an old school parent one that would say clean your plate or no dessert regardless of how much was on the plate or how bad it was for you.

I feel like when I tell my story I am somewhat pushing the blame onto my mom but that is not what I want to do. My mom has always battled with anorexia and bulimia and she is a personal trainer who weighs about 120lbs. I was a skinny kid and I was very athletic all through school playing basketball, volleyball, soccer, and softball. We had a great deal of restrictions on what we could and could not eat because my mom was battling her own demons with food. I was never allowed to have sugar, fatty fried foods, pop, sweet tea or anything like that. We rarely ate out at restaurants and I dont think we ever ate fast food. When I got in high school and started putting on muscle from lifting weights for soccer my mom told me I needed to pay attention to how much weight I was gaining. I moved away from her at 16 to live with my dad and I began to start eating things that I had never been allowed to eat before. It became an obsession and before I knew it my eating ballooned out of control. I think in a way I felt like I was finally rebelling against my mom by eating whatever I wanted to whenever I wanted to.

Katrinah,
Do not beat yourself up for that. It is what it is... You're mother is, as you said, dealing with her own food and body issues, she too is a product of this mess of eating disorders. She did the best she could. At least that is my humble opinion :)

Thanks to you and our other latest shares of personal stories!