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I am going to vent. Not really looking for repsonses or advise, just need to unload and I am at a point in my life where I don't have friends I can trust with this kind thing.....
So 2 years ago, I was trying to talk to my husband about an issue I was having (one of many since moving to IL to be close to his family) and his response was that he didn't know who to believe as he was not there. So to me this was like a slap in the face, I was his wife and I have never given him reason to beieve I would lie. Now this was not the first of problems between us, but it really seemed to bring home the overall lack of respect he had for me. At this time I was still stay at home mom and gave my all and then some to insure my kids had everything.
So I decided it was time for me to start working my way back into the job market and prepare for whatever was coming. This in itself was a confidence destroyer, lol. I could not even get an interview at walmart, and I was getting close to hitting fast food. But something led me to the University website one day and a job listing. I applied with a laugh, I mean walmart wont look twice, why would the university? But they use a testing process to determine interviews, not resumes. So I tested. They interview the top 5, I was 13..... heartbreak. But then they called for an interview! Shock. Answer to prayers? Well I was 330 lbs, had not dressed up for 15 years, and had a total loss of self confidence. But I bought a pair of slacks, dusted off a blazer my had given me as a gift at some point and off I went. So I walked into conference room to be greeted by 5 men, 5 of them were wearing guns. Lol talk about intimidation. They did a round robin interview, one would read a question, then the next would question for several minutes. I had researched this job like crazy prior to interview and I had a list of questions to ask. My general opinion to most of the questions was I would do whatever it takes. I even answered on question that I was not looking to make friends, I wanted to work. Well that answer got me the job. Granted most applicants would not work the non traditional hours, they all wanted dayshift. The funniest part was I took my dog to agility class, all 330 lbs, and we were running and he actuallly followed a command and went where I told him which happened to cross my path and I fell over him and broke me arm, the next day the call and offered the job. So I started out with one arm and pain pills. :) but also started health insurance from day one which paid for the broken arm. God was there with me on this job. Even now, it is the best thing I have going. I walk into work and I am home. This job also led to the insurance that led to my surgery that is giving me life again and makes me feel like I can be prepared for whatever comes in the future.
But now back to my vent. My husband is now home all winter where for the past 14 years he was out of town and gone for month and when he was home he worked daylight to dark 6 or 7 days a week. So with me working he has taken over some of the kid activities getting them where they need to be. He keeps talking about how hard it is to get one here and the other there..... you think? Wow never had that come in the 13 years of single parent while he traveled with no concern for us.
Well my husband is complaciant. He wont fight for anything. He wont stand up for the kids when a coach is doing them wrong, not even if another kid is bullying. Me, on the other hand am a true mama bear. My kids will always know I have their back and they will never feel like it is them against the world.
So since we moved to illinois in 2010, a move I had hoped would fix what was broken by getting my husband with a better employer thereby giving him more time at home. We moved into his moms house. She had alztheimers and had been living in town with a brother for 2 years already, her house sitting empty. It seemed like the perfect plan.
Well from day one the sister in law seemed out for blood. Every chance she got she would cause problems. She had the MIL screaming at me about stealing the house, complaints I didn't mow correctly, I was trashing the house and on and on. Now I was a good girl and would simply walk away and tell my husband. Now one would think that a good and loving husband would stand up for his wife and put an end to all of this, but no. She never said anything to him on any of this, it was and the always just me. All of this was followed by the above comment and the long winded job hunt story. And this has been followed by other cases of him throwing me under the bus to avoid his own discomfort. I even "accused" him of telling his brother about my surgery, because I told no one and the brother knew. Husband still denies he did. Whatever. So one thing he does that pisses me off to no end, is when I try to talk to him about anything in my life that may have just the slightest discomfort to him, he just sits there mute. No comment. I got this response when I started talking about my surgery, my long battle (since firstborn) with depression, the nasty clerk at grocery. If it makes him uncomfortable, he just flat out sits mute. This makes me crazy. I have even been as smart as to start talking to the dog when he pulls this, because at least the dog responds. He may not talk, but he listens and responds. This has really left me feeling like I have no one in the world to talk to when I really need to, and that of course causes a build up and more problems.
Well today, my youngest went out to ask dad if he could call and schedule service for 4 wheeler that has been broken for 2 years and boys have been patiently asking for repair. Well he pulled the mute crap with the kid, who came to me nearly in tears. It really is a terrible feeling to think you are so worthless you don't even warrant a response or acknowledgment. Well let's just say mama bear blew her top. I told him he could either start putting his family, as in the wife he married and the children he created, or he could find contracts and go back to working all year, but he sure the hell was not going to make my boys feel like they are worthless. He can destry me but he is not going to do it to the boys I gave every waking minute to creating over the past 14 years. I have raised the most amazing boys. The are uber polite, super confident and always on honor rolls. People adore tthem, and thati is not just mama brags.
So I left for work after yelling at him. I doubt it will change much, but maybe he will start thinking about the boys more. He has people tell him. How wonderful the boys are and he likes to take credit for getting them there. So maybe now he will think more about keeping them there.
There is a lot more detail and more events, but this is the jist of my rant anyway.
The good news, is as I am coming to work on the verge of tears, I run into one officer at the quick stop and leave there laughing, and walk into work and there is just a feeling of coming home. Everyone is always happy to see me, and make me feel like I am worthy. I was so blessed with this job.
So 2 years ago, I was trying to talk to my husband about an issue I was having (one of many since moving to IL to be close to his family) and his response was that he didn't know who to believe as he was not there. So to me this was like a slap in the face, I was his wife and I have never given him reason to beieve I would lie. Now this was not the first of problems between us, but it really seemed to bring home the overall lack of respect he had for me. At this time I was still stay at home mom and gave my all and then some to insure my kids had everything.
So I decided it was time for me to start working my way back into the job market and prepare for whatever was coming. This in itself was a confidence destroyer, lol. I could not even get an interview at walmart, and I was getting close to hitting fast food. But something led me to the University website one day and a job listing. I applied with a laugh, I mean walmart wont look twice, why would the university? But they use a testing process to determine interviews, not resumes. So I tested. They interview the top 5, I was 13..... heartbreak. But then they called for an interview! Shock. Answer to prayers? Well I was 330 lbs, had not dressed up for 15 years, and had a total loss of self confidence. But I bought a pair of slacks, dusted off a blazer my had given me as a gift at some point and off I went. So I walked into conference room to be greeted by 5 men, 5 of them were wearing guns. Lol talk about intimidation. They did a round robin interview, one would read a question, then the next would question for several minutes. I had researched this job like crazy prior to interview and I had a list of questions to ask. My general opinion to most of the questions was I would do whatever it takes. I even answered on question that I was not looking to make friends, I wanted to work. Well that answer got me the job. Granted most applicants would not work the non traditional hours, they all wanted dayshift. The funniest part was I took my dog to agility class, all 330 lbs, and we were running and he actuallly followed a command and went where I told him which happened to cross my path and I fell over him and broke me arm, the next day the call and offered the job. So I started out with one arm and pain pills. :) but also started health insurance from day one which paid for the broken arm. God was there with me on this job. Even now, it is the best thing I have going. I walk into work and I am home. This job also led to the insurance that led to my surgery that is giving me life again and makes me feel like I can be prepared for whatever comes in the future.
But now back to my vent. My husband is now home all winter where for the past 14 years he was out of town and gone for month and when he was home he worked daylight to dark 6 or 7 days a week. So with me working he has taken over some of the kid activities getting them where they need to be. He keeps talking about how hard it is to get one here and the other there..... you think? Wow never had that come in the 13 years of single parent while he traveled with no concern for us.
Well my husband is complaciant. He wont fight for anything. He wont stand up for the kids when a coach is doing them wrong, not even if another kid is bullying. Me, on the other hand am a true mama bear. My kids will always know I have their back and they will never feel like it is them against the world.
So since we moved to illinois in 2010, a move I had hoped would fix what was broken by getting my husband with a better employer thereby giving him more time at home. We moved into his moms house. She had alztheimers and had been living in town with a brother for 2 years already, her house sitting empty. It seemed like the perfect plan.
Well from day one the sister in law seemed out for blood. Every chance she got she would cause problems. She had the MIL screaming at me about stealing the house, complaints I didn't mow correctly, I was trashing the house and on and on. Now I was a good girl and would simply walk away and tell my husband. Now one would think that a good and loving husband would stand up for his wife and put an end to all of this, but no. She never said anything to him on any of this, it was and the always just me. All of this was followed by the above comment and the long winded job hunt story. And this has been followed by other cases of him throwing me under the bus to avoid his own discomfort. I even "accused" him of telling his brother about my surgery, because I told no one and the brother knew. Husband still denies he did. Whatever. So one thing he does that pisses me off to no end, is when I try to talk to him about anything in my life that may have just the slightest discomfort to him, he just sits there mute. No comment. I got this response when I started talking about my surgery, my long battle (since firstborn) with depression, the nasty clerk at grocery. If it makes him uncomfortable, he just flat out sits mute. This makes me crazy. I have even been as smart as to start talking to the dog when he pulls this, because at least the dog responds. He may not talk, but he listens and responds. This has really left me feeling like I have no one in the world to talk to when I really need to, and that of course causes a build up and more problems.
Well today, my youngest went out to ask dad if he could call and schedule service for 4 wheeler that has been broken for 2 years and boys have been patiently asking for repair. Well he pulled the mute crap with the kid, who came to me nearly in tears. It really is a terrible feeling to think you are so worthless you don't even warrant a response or acknowledgment. Well let's just say mama bear blew her top. I told him he could either start putting his family, as in the wife he married and the children he created, or he could find contracts and go back to working all year, but he sure the hell was not going to make my boys feel like they are worthless. He can destry me but he is not going to do it to the boys I gave every waking minute to creating over the past 14 years. I have raised the most amazing boys. The are uber polite, super confident and always on honor rolls. People adore tthem, and thati is not just mama brags.
So I left for work after yelling at him. I doubt it will change much, but maybe he will start thinking about the boys more. He has people tell him. How wonderful the boys are and he likes to take credit for getting them there. So maybe now he will think more about keeping them there.
There is a lot more detail and more events, but this is the jist of my rant anyway.
The good news, is as I am coming to work on the verge of tears, I run into one officer at the quick stop and leave there laughing, and walk into work and there is just a feeling of coming home. Everyone is always happy to see me, and make me feel like I am worthy. I was so blessed with this job.
WLS will change everything, so hang in there sweetie
pegmarie
So sorry to hear you're going through this.
One thing about WLS is that when we were fat we believed we deserved so much of the disrespect we received. As we lose weight and our confidence goes up we realize we never deserved to be treated that way.
This is one of the factors of the high divorce rate among WLS patients.
I'm glad you can come here and share your frustrations. We are always here to listen and respond :-)
Pegmarie makes a good point. You can't force him to talk, but only choose your response. and help your boys to choose their responses.
Based on your post i assume he would not be open to counseling? as we know change is extraordinarily difficult. and while we think "talking" or "listening" is easy for some people it is not.
my DH grew up in a VERY difficult and different home from me. When we got engaged we went to premarital counseling and the psych asked him if there was anything i did that made him uncomfortable. He said when we first started dating it was very strange and hard for him that i touched him all the time. he said "when i'm driving she's rubbing my arm or holding my hand and it makes it hard to focus on the road". When i was little (heck even now) my mom and i ALWAYS held hand while she drove.
My point is that my dh had such a anti-physical home that my loving touches were hard for him to deal with. This gave me such a profound insight as to why he does some things. NOT that he shouldn't try to change - my touch no longer distracts him after 20 years. but it helps to understand that people have base line differences in how there personalities were formed as a child and those can be so hard to undo without professional help.
that is where i come back to - you can only control your response. Of course protect your children, but remember to do it in a way that lets them know they still need to respect their father, even if he is being disrespectful.
i hope that your talk with him tonight wakes him up a bit. and that you both can find a way to communicate that will be helpful.
warmly,
rochelle
Please take heart. Men and women are so different. We were made to compliment each other. Will you remind me of this when I need to vent?
Our husbands have their own issues. They were drawn to us because they needed kindness, compassion, and acceptance. Our otherwise smart, capable husbands clam up for some reason. They don't want to get it wrong. So they press mute!!! It makes us crazy but they do it to defend themselves. Not us, we just keep talking more- and louder. Go figure.