i bet you that god can't save me

i win

i bet you that i've been up all night

i win

i bet you that it doesn't get easier after time

pain still there
urge to gamble still there
life still sucks
something's missing
someone's missing
always and forever

i should have killed myself a long time ago but you stopped it
i blame god for all this pain, for controlling my destiny
that's why i hate you so much God
you controlled my life, you drove me into this madness
you put me through pain instead of heaven or hell

good night

If I am locked in a closet, starving, and down on my knees praying that "God" slides a sandwich under the door, "odds" are that in 5 minutes all I will be is 5 minutes more hungry. I'm not a believer in God so laying blame for this dysfunction at his feet won't get me very far. I am were I am at for more reasons than I can recognize, and I have more difficulties in my life than merely gambling. What I do believe is that "I" create these hardships, trials and burdens to manifest unresolved pain and conflict. Seeing a qualified therapist has shed light on some significantly dark corners of my mind.
We all have the tools and/or ability to find the means to stop this destructive behavior and attitude, and I can testify that eliminating this "habit" has been difficult....but not impossible. Hating myself only keeps me where I don't want or need to be, and trust me, as a person who spends his day in the presence of death, that particular route holds even less appeal. It's only for today, stick with it. While we are all a bit chipped and dented, none of us is broken.