Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
First of all, let me tell you that I am a ridiculously normal person. Very social drinker (maybe 3 drinks a month), reformed smoker, mom and wife, adept socially, pretty damn competent. Then I fell into this abyss about 6 months ago, ruined our finances, lied to everybody, you all know the routine.
Then I came here, in a panic and filled with sickness, anxiety and guilt, and was terrified that I would never be able to overcome these compulsions. I took out all my losing scratch tickets (and I only bought $10 and $20 tickets, so they numbered in the thousands of dollars) and kept them with me in my purse as a constant reminder. Then i printed out my bank statements and highlighted the $25K I had taken out in the last six months for gambling. The withdrawals were for $140 a week at first, then $260, then $600 and up. It all made me sick.
Now, just as suddenly as my addiction began, I am repulsed by the idea of risking any of our money on anything. I read the post about someone visiting the casino and seeing people walk around like zombies, and I know I was one of those people. I was a zombie, and I feel like I have just woken up from that state and can't friggin believe I was THAT PERSON!
So what is wrong with me? How can I go from craving the casinos and tickets to being repulsed by both within a 2 week period of time? Is this a normal recovery period? Now I spend my time making money, get a thrill from that, but is this some kind of "honeymoon" period I am going through that is teetering on the brink of some kind of relapse? Have you ever known someone to just wake up and do a 180 and realize that they have been a complete and total idiot and just stop gambling? I always assumed addiction was addiction, plain and simple, and that any sudden and complete reversal was just another form of denial, but I swear, the idea of even looking at a casino makes me want to throw up. I just look at the evidence of the losses and think about how much less stress I would have if that money had gone elsewhere (like property taxes and bill payments!)
Then I came here, in a panic and filled with sickness, anxiety and guilt, and was terrified that I would never be able to overcome these compulsions. I took out all my losing scratch tickets (and I only bought $10 and $20 tickets, so they numbered in the thousands of dollars) and kept them with me in my purse as a constant reminder. Then i printed out my bank statements and highlighted the $25K I had taken out in the last six months for gambling. The withdrawals were for $140 a week at first, then $260, then $600 and up. It all made me sick.
Now, just as suddenly as my addiction began, I am repulsed by the idea of risking any of our money on anything. I read the post about someone visiting the casino and seeing people walk around like zombies, and I know I was one of those people. I was a zombie, and I feel like I have just woken up from that state and can't friggin believe I was THAT PERSON!
So what is wrong with me? How can I go from craving the casinos and tickets to being repulsed by both within a 2 week period of time? Is this a normal recovery period? Now I spend my time making money, get a thrill from that, but is this some kind of "honeymoon" period I am going through that is teetering on the brink of some kind of relapse? Have you ever known someone to just wake up and do a 180 and realize that they have been a complete and total idiot and just stop gambling? I always assumed addiction was addiction, plain and simple, and that any sudden and complete reversal was just another form of denial, but I swear, the idea of even looking at a casino makes me want to throw up. I just look at the evidence of the losses and think about how much less stress I would have if that money had gone elsewhere (like property taxes and bill payments!)
MY experience has demonstrated that clinging to the shame and regret works for only so long as it places the focus more on the financial aspects of this habit and less on what drives me to behave in the manner that I do. Exploring my motivations for indulging in this brand of self-destruction has brought me a deeper and more meaningful understanding of why I treat myself the way that I do. I no longer "relapse" or "slip". When I gamble it is because I have allowed myself to step from what I know to be the better of the two choices. I'll never be perfect, but one day I accept that I am worth more than the
Why did I do this to myself? Could it have been simply boredom? Wanting a high? I never felt worthless until now. Or stupid.
Sometime we need to lay bare all the garbage we haul around to truly recognize the burdens we are willingly inflicting upon ourselves. Kind of like "emptying a purse". Knowing there are dirty clothes in the hamper doesn't get them washed. WE have to sort, make piles, prioritize and do one load at a time. This applies to every aspect of life. Those scratch tickets are merely dirty laundry you are toting around. They are pieces or worthless paper, not answers, or solutions.
I wanted to let your words sink in before I responded. Regarding your assertion that gambling is a choice, I am in complete agreement. However, where we may diverge is on the methodology of managing our impulses.
I am a firm believer in the power of behavior modification. We do, or NOT do ,pretty much everything based on the intensity of either the positive or negative consequences of our behavior. We behave badly when either the rewards are not great enough, or the punishment is not severe enough. One of my children desired good grades, was devastated when she'd get less than an A, her efforts were rewarded with something that mattered to her. Another child could care less about his grades, we needed to implement negative consequences for not doing well at school in order to motivate him to get his damn work in. Pay the electric bill, the lights stay on. Don't pay, and you're in the dark.
I keep the tickets as a visual reminder of the negative consequences of my CHOICES. I keep the bank statements close to me for the same reason. I need to remind myself that the wrong choice will lead to financial disaster. I printed out the zombie and woof woof posts, and carry them as well. I will now print out your most recent post about the cold machines to which we gravitate. I am modifying my behavior with reminders of the punishments, because I have so often in the past been able to rationalize and go into denial about those consequences. I want to survive, my addiction has not progressed to the point where I want to die sitting at a slot machine. I WILL allow my previous misery to remind me of where I no longer want to be.
I'm hemorrhaging, financially. Like a first responder, I need to stop the bleeding first. I'm triaging. Change the behavior and attend to the damage, THEN figure out why I did it in the first place.Right now I'm putting tremendous energy into finally taking care of business, and the result is gratifying, more gratifying than the slots ever could be.
I know that addicts don't follow the reward/punishment paradigm, but I agree with you that gambling addiction is different from chemical dependencies. The chemical changes in our brains that cause us to keep ringing the bell can only be reversed by not ringing it. I keep from ringing it by reminders of the consequences.
When I am ready to empty my purse, I will.
And please, don't worry about being brazen!