I feel for you. That's a big secret to try to keep to yourself. Complusive gambling is a mental issue, it's actually an addiction. It would be better for you not to be in charge of the finances, but you would have to ask your husband for help. That's a big step to take, but at least you wouldn't have to hide your pain. Maybe you could try talking to a councilor. The bottom line is, in order to lead a better life, free of gambling, you start with one day at a time. It's good you have days without feeling the urge to gamble, that's a positive element for you.

julesthegreat,
I can feel your anxiety. I know you are worry that your husband will find out where money has gone and that is scaring you, but eventually, it will all be out in the open. Try not to put yourself into a position where your husband will confront you. If possible, have a courage to open it up for your husband. Believe that you have a problem, illness... if you can be honest with yourself and your husband, you can honestly start recovering. You may feel that you somehow needs to chase the losses to cover up the damage, but that will not resolve anything. It will be just a bandage and you will be in deeper despair.
There are is a lot of resources available here, send me a chat if you like. We need help and it is easier if you walk this journey with someone.
You are not alone.

Hugs and peace

You MUST STOP! I got myself into the same trap for the past year, and each time that I thought I had hit my "rock bottom" lesson, I would believed I was done! However, I found myself doing it all over, again! I didn't think that I had a problem that I couldn't handle alone, but I was so wrong. I didn't understand how easily one can become compulsive to the point of insanity. I lived each day thinking about how I could figure out a way to chase my losses and "fix" the mess I had made for myself. It was a panic attack almost each day for me: trying to race home before my husband got home and became suspicious, lying to him all of the time, selling whatever I could to just get a little extra $ to cover my losses or to try to chase them, etc. I became a nervous, jittery, freaked out stranger whom I hated! I even came clean with him a few times, before I had made too many errors, but then I would tell myself that I could handle my "habit" if I just used more wisdom. Point is that I couldn't just stop at what others might be able to do in a purely recreational manner - just relaxing and staying within a small amount that I was willing to lose. I ended up taking out cash advances from a couple credit cards and so on. When and if I managed to be "lucky" and redeem myself financially, I somehow fell back down. Once I realized that I had become a victim of the never ending cycle of compulsive gambling and was on the verge of ruining our lives, I did begin to attend GA meetings.

At those first meetings, I had a problem admitting that I had a problem! I didn't seem to fit in with the others in the room - boy, did I count myself fortunate that I had forced myself to get help when I did, as so many others at the meeting had far worse experiences and had many years of battling this sickness. Still, what I did have in common with everyone was that I had become compulsive, and regardless of the differences in the total amount of financial losses incurred! Thankfully, my year of hell did not destroy us financially, nor did my husband follow through with his ultimatum of filing for divorce (once he got over his screaming lecture about his extreme disappointment in me and his angry accusations that were hurtful to me, but somewhat warranted - there was some exaggeration regarding my having "destroyed" us, etc., but he had to get his reactions out).

I understand, now, that I have the type of personality that can be easily addictive. Just because it had not ever been a problem for me in past years is a moot point. I had not actually fought any addictions in past, so this took my by surprise, too! See, it didn't matter "how long I had been compulsive" or even "how it happened." The thing is that it did happen and only I could make myself stop!

Part of me had to finally admit that I did have a problem and that I also didn't want to stop. Then, I hit my real rock bottom! I didn't realize how bad our finances really were or how much stress and fear I was causing my husband. No, I didn't really "add" too much to our overall debt, but it was still so irresponsible of me to have caused any more financial burdens to our already maxed out condition. We were in the process of rolling over our HELOC, and we were not able to pay off our credit cards nor make our normal payments for the kids' college loans (that we took out for them), etc. My husband handles the finances, so I wasn't aware of just how bad off we were! My meager earnings from my temp jobs were not enough to actually "help," but they certainly could have taken away some of the sting. Instead, I kept wasting my earnings when I could have used them to cover groceries and smaller bills.

The cycle of lying began because I was so scared that he was going to leave me if he found out that I was going back to the casinos, AFTER he had already confronted me and basically threatened divorce if I didn't stop immediately. However, as much as I didn't want a divorce or to continue my erractic behavior, I became more obsessed with trying to recoup my losses that I started to go back to the casinos once I got a paycheck! I guess at that point in time, I was more motivated to gamble because I was desperately trying to fix things. I lived my life balancing on the edge!

I am so happy to say that the GA meetings, and this site, helped me to truly understand that I needed to take responsibility for my actions and be honest with my husband. This extra side life was killing me. I was so scared to tell him what I had been doing. However, there was so much FREEDOM when I finally saw the TRUTH and told him the TRUTH! Oh, there was shame, remorse, and self-loathing, too. You just have to own those feelings because they are real, and they emphasize just how serous of a problem you have. I have not gone back to the casinos since my first step to recovery back in May. In fact, I began to understand what my triggers were and how literally insane I had become. I couldn't live that way anymore!

Now, I actually have a decent part-time job, after years of trying to get a job. It keeps me occupied, and I don't feel so "empty" and "bored!" I also am beginning to really value my paychecks and don't want to squander my earnings at the casinos. I don't even feel the desire to ganble, anymore. GoIng COLD TURKEY is hard to do by yourself, but it really does get easier. You may not be able to attend a GA meeting very easily if you can out find one near you, but you can seek counseling and you can go online for help.

I'll try to keep in touch and write more about how I am managing, later. Take care... and know that YOU CAN actually be strong enough to JUST STOP, but you have to be willing to want to get rid of this vulgar part of your life more than you want to keep taking chances at the casinos!

A good place to start is self-banning from gambling establishments, and blocking access to your money. Getting some quit time in makes a difference in how we think about our recovery. The longer you can stay away from gambling, the clearer your thought processes will be and it will become easier to know what is the next best thing you need to be doing. Counseling/treatment can help us uncover the roots of our addiction. Getting back to life - hobbies, church, friends, family, loved ones, charities, our community, our libraries, nature is part of what we need to do. Ultimately we need to practice meticulous self-care, mindfulness and gratefulness on a daily basis to stay in recovery and not gravitate to a new addiction.

Tell him.

Honesty needs to be a part of your recovery too. You will need to tell your husband sooner or later. The longer you wait the more betrayed he is likely to feel. Old 12-step saying: You are as sick as your secrets.

Thank you for your comments. I know I can stop it if I want to it's like any addiction. I have closed all my accounts, so I will see how it goes. I will tell my husband but he won't understand. I feel better having someone to talk to about it, would be good if I could find a GA group close by but there isn't one. I know it will take time but I will do it.

There is a call-in phone meeting on Wed nights at 9pm Eastern time. It is posted here look through past posts - the number and access code is reposted most every week.

Thank you

I am in the same boat as you for years I have lied ,pawned,chased and it has become very tiresome.I also do not have a GA anywhere near me I did order the GA books yesterday and today I was gambling again the guilt is overwhelming but I am determined to battle this I wish you the best of luck to you.

I feel for you, yes I agree it's very tiresome, I think I've scared myself now as I've lost so much money going back over my bank account in the last year it's sickening, I could have done so much with that money, it would have helped so many charities. I might as well just burned it. If I can think like that I can stop, but sometimes it makes no difference. But I feel like you do, so I do understand completely, be strong each hour at a time, think of something worthwhile you can be doing with your time and money. Keep in touch be nice to hear how you are getting on.

It also helps to write out a "goodbye" to gambling. Write out what it has done to you and why you want to quit. Then use the "goodbye" as a tool, read it every time you think you want to gamble.