Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
So over the years it came to light that my partner of over 4 years had issues with money ... I then more recently realised this stretched to gambling (he would get pay day loans for the sole purpose of gambling and then get further loans to repay and cover losses). He was chasing a quick fix.
Earlier this year the most recent "episode" of his issue was revealed, we went through hell. I wanted to leave him but he insisted things could change (as he has done many times before). We agreed this would be the last shot, that any further heartache and he would walk away.
And he has tried very hard, he gave me his debit card and allowed me access to his bank account so I could check if I felt anxious, he has now stopped giving me his card but I can still check his account whenever I want although I will admit I don't really do so often as control is not in my nature. We are attending couples therapy and he has agreed to attend therapy alone after that. He is sticking to a budget better (although not fantastically) and seems to be trying hard not to cause any undue distress.
So what's the problem you may ask? Well the problem is I still don't feel secure, I still don't trust him. I know this would take time, but I have an awful feeling I never really will and don't want to spend my life looking over my shoulder, but he has tried so hard and done very well. I just don't know what to do, I was hoping that anyone who has had a similar experience (from either perspective) could give some advise? Hope? Experience? However bitter sweet this may be!
Thanks in advance. xx
Earlier this year the most recent "episode" of his issue was revealed, we went through hell. I wanted to leave him but he insisted things could change (as he has done many times before). We agreed this would be the last shot, that any further heartache and he would walk away.
And he has tried very hard, he gave me his debit card and allowed me access to his bank account so I could check if I felt anxious, he has now stopped giving me his card but I can still check his account whenever I want although I will admit I don't really do so often as control is not in my nature. We are attending couples therapy and he has agreed to attend therapy alone after that. He is sticking to a budget better (although not fantastically) and seems to be trying hard not to cause any undue distress.
So what's the problem you may ask? Well the problem is I still don't feel secure, I still don't trust him. I know this would take time, but I have an awful feeling I never really will and don't want to spend my life looking over my shoulder, but he has tried so hard and done very well. I just don't know what to do, I was hoping that anyone who has had a similar experience (from either perspective) could give some advise? Hope? Experience? However bitter sweet this may be!
Thanks in advance. xx
I have gambled since I was I was 16 years old, which is now 14 years ago. It started with just friendly games with my friends and then grew into a monster. At the time I met my wife in 2009, the summer I graduated from college, I was in DEEP. I had a lot of debt and I was betting $1,000 a game on sports. I would go to the casino with all the money I had left after bills and wouldnt leave until I lost it all. For the first six months, I didnt really tell her. I made it look like everything was ok and put on a good front (us gamblers can do that REALLY well). As I continued to lose and the debt mounted, I became more irritable. I didnt want to do social things, let my body go, became angry. This affected us greatly. She is not a gambler, she doesnt have addictions so she really didn't understand my mindset, but she was in love and choose to stick through the bad part of my addicitions. I promised her over and over I would quit and I would for a week at a time. Then I would get back in and gamble, this time I would have to make up for lost time, so I would gamble even more than before $2,000 a sports game. It became a cycle to be honest, but yet she stayed by me.
Fast forward it to now. It took me 6 years to realize what I had in front of me. A wife that would stay through anything and stay loyal, but I was pushing her away from gambling. I choose gambling over time with her. I choose losing BOTH of our hard earned money instead of saving for our future. My intentions were good to be honest, I wanted to make us a lot of money for our future, but I am compulsive and NEVER EVER know when to stop.
Now I am 4 months gamble free. It took this long for the fog to leave my head and for me to see clearly. Advice: It will be a REALLY hard road and it will take a LONG time to trust him completely, but it can work out. He needs someone in his corner, not to appease him and give in whenever he wants to gamble, but someone that will listen to him when he is having an urge, that will hold his hand and say we will get through this together, someone that will take his mind off the urge. This will be a lot like parenting at first, because you will literally be teaching him new habits. It will take time and patience, BUT if you can stick it out and make him see what life has to offer outside gambling, you both will never be happier and closer than you are at the moment going forward.
It is up to you. I would take over the budget completely and make sure you guys are on the same page monthly. I would tell him that you view the bank account daily, because one slip up can lead to devastating results. Stay with counseling if it helps you guys and him. Focus on one day at a time, this is what gets me through daily. Everyday is different, some are good and some are bad. By focusing on one day, you are able to meet goals more frequent, which in turn is motivating.
Sorry for the lengthy response, but your post literally sounded like something my wife would have posted 4 months ago.
Keep us updated and keep asing for help or support, we are here to help one another.
Good luck,
Jeremy
i can share my story but will do in private if thats ok
Hi minimac21, any information you can send me would be really helpful and if you are happy to share your story it is always helpful to hear from people who can relate to our story.
Many thanks :)
www.artdictionthepowerofthegame.co.uk
hope it helps you and your partner.
Thank you all! x