Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
I have been debating whether to share this or not. I feel like maybe I post too much as I really would like to listen (read) and learn. However, this just keeps popping up in my mind, so I guess I will put it to paper (screen).
For months I was going to a counsellor for my gambling. I was working and life was extremely stressful with my family and my work. I worked for a women that treated me like poop on her shoe. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her. Yet, I felt I couldn't leave with all the financial mess I had put our family in. Plus, I felt God had given me that job. I was under horrendous stress. I would go weeks, even over a month without gambling, and then I would go back to the casino, lose my whole paycheck, plus more. I was so perplexed. Why would I keep doing that I would ask her? What person in their right mind would be in such a financial mess, about to lose her husband and family and keep doing that? She would try to help me with my stress level. The week before I lost my job, she told me she felt I just was not ready to quit. I was offended, but it did get me thinking. The next week I lost my job and went and met with her for the last time, as then we could not afford for me to go back.
So, as time has gone on, I have continued to try and break through my denial. So, the truth be told, hidden in the recess of my mind was the continual thought, "If I didn't have to hide it from my husband and could just go let's say once a month, I wonder if maybe I could just gamble normally?" "If I had a set amount I coud just lose, and not worry about, I wonder if I would be ok, then? " Well, THAT thinking was the addiction. That is where I did not accept that I had slipped over to the other side into compulsive gambling. The reality is that I had gone to the casino several times with money I had hoarded that my husband had no knowledge of me having. If I could just go and gamble normally, I never would have spent that, then felt the compulsive need to get more by overdrawing my account. Guess what, then he knew. First off, I lied about going. I had to hide it. Secondly, he never knew that money was in my pocket. So, I didn't realize it at the time, but I had proven to myself that I could not gamble "normally". I am so grateful I have dispelled that myth as it was keeping me from going forward! There is no going back to gambling "normally" as I crossed that line a long time ago.
The other thing that kept me from accepting reality is what I really was upset about after going and losing my money and my winnings. I would feel absolutely broken. It seemed like I would feel so much worse when I woud win and give it back, than when I would just go lose. So, once again I had to look at this. What I found was that I was more upset with myself over giving back my winnings and feeling stupid that I would do that, than I was mad about going in the first place. OK, something is wrong with that picture. I should never have put that money in jeopardy in the first place! But strangely that bothered me less than giving back my winnings, then going beyond what I had brought in the first place. I am so grateful that my blinders are off about that one! The addiction took me there and said it was ok to take the money I did and take a chance in the first place. IT wasn't gving back my winnings, it was being there at all!
I am going to copy and paste this so I have it with me, so when the addiction wields it's ugly head, which I am sure it will, I will have this to refer to. I no longer can be in denial with myself. As someone else said a while ago (it was either Jay, KenL, or Redsor I believe) - I know I have another bet in me - I just don't know if I have another recovery!
Hi! My name is Christina, and I AM a compulsive gambler and I want to get better!
For months I was going to a counsellor for my gambling. I was working and life was extremely stressful with my family and my work. I worked for a women that treated me like poop on her shoe. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her. Yet, I felt I couldn't leave with all the financial mess I had put our family in. Plus, I felt God had given me that job. I was under horrendous stress. I would go weeks, even over a month without gambling, and then I would go back to the casino, lose my whole paycheck, plus more. I was so perplexed. Why would I keep doing that I would ask her? What person in their right mind would be in such a financial mess, about to lose her husband and family and keep doing that? She would try to help me with my stress level. The week before I lost my job, she told me she felt I just was not ready to quit. I was offended, but it did get me thinking. The next week I lost my job and went and met with her for the last time, as then we could not afford for me to go back.
So, as time has gone on, I have continued to try and break through my denial. So, the truth be told, hidden in the recess of my mind was the continual thought, "If I didn't have to hide it from my husband and could just go let's say once a month, I wonder if maybe I could just gamble normally?" "If I had a set amount I coud just lose, and not worry about, I wonder if I would be ok, then? " Well, THAT thinking was the addiction. That is where I did not accept that I had slipped over to the other side into compulsive gambling. The reality is that I had gone to the casino several times with money I had hoarded that my husband had no knowledge of me having. If I could just go and gamble normally, I never would have spent that, then felt the compulsive need to get more by overdrawing my account. Guess what, then he knew. First off, I lied about going. I had to hide it. Secondly, he never knew that money was in my pocket. So, I didn't realize it at the time, but I had proven to myself that I could not gamble "normally". I am so grateful I have dispelled that myth as it was keeping me from going forward! There is no going back to gambling "normally" as I crossed that line a long time ago.
The other thing that kept me from accepting reality is what I really was upset about after going and losing my money and my winnings. I would feel absolutely broken. It seemed like I would feel so much worse when I woud win and give it back, than when I would just go lose. So, once again I had to look at this. What I found was that I was more upset with myself over giving back my winnings and feeling stupid that I would do that, than I was mad about going in the first place. OK, something is wrong with that picture. I should never have put that money in jeopardy in the first place! But strangely that bothered me less than giving back my winnings, then going beyond what I had brought in the first place. I am so grateful that my blinders are off about that one! The addiction took me there and said it was ok to take the money I did and take a chance in the first place. IT wasn't gving back my winnings, it was being there at all!
I am going to copy and paste this so I have it with me, so when the addiction wields it's ugly head, which I am sure it will, I will have this to refer to. I no longer can be in denial with myself. As someone else said a while ago (it was either Jay, KenL, or Redsor I believe) - I know I have another bet in me - I just don't know if I have another recovery!
Hi! My name is Christina, and I AM a compulsive gambler and I want to get better!
your share was deeply felt and appreicated for the lesson to be learned.
Two things, thinking you can ever gamble normally and then wondering why you were so upset about losing and not just being there,
as you say,
the addiction talking was giving you the answers to keep you going back. I still believe we have trained, through the dopamine etc. our mind to want this stuff so badly that we unconciously will do whatever it takes, including disalluding ourselves our minds, in order to get another fix.
Way to go on sharing and way to go on learning from you bad behavior.
By the way I would never ever ever in a teeny tiny moment think that you are "poop" on anyones shoe.
made me laugh.
People who treat others like that usually think of themselves in these terms.
you are a God send and a treasure, not poop.
love ya
I am trying not to obsess or beat myself up over what I have done. I have tried that route, and it didn't help me. What is done is done. My job now is to try to keep it from happening anymore. Am I willing to do whatever it takes to keep me from going back? I sure am trying. Will I do it perfectly, nope, never. Each hour brings different emotions. One hour I will be much stronger than the previous one. Then it seems to go, poof!!! This really is a one minute, one hour, one day at a time proposition. Sure beats being at the casino though!!!
how brave you are.
my mind will sometimes meander along that line too and it's scary. I am so proud and impressed and inspired by your courage to bring this to us, where we can see ourselves and our own addiction mirrored in yours. Thank you so much for being here. For sharing and being a support. I value you so much and look forward to hearing from you in messages, here on the board and commenting in my journal too- please know that it always does my heart good to see your icon and know that you are reaching out and sharing at any level.
Much love
Sabine.
I tried the 'controlled gambling' approach before I finally quit. I tried to convince myself that I could walk away. On those rare occasions where I would leave the casino with more money in my pocket - I would return the very next day and give it back. It was like I was addicted to the miserable feeling of failure as much as I was to the slots.
In my recovery, I am finding that controlling the urge to gamble is the easy part. I excluded myself for life and haven't been tempted to go back. The hard part is putting Humpty back together again.
Hang in there and keep posting!
I'm not sure that I know exactly what you are "fessing up" to. I don't see anything that is beyond fixing, for sure.
"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real problem gamblers. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our gambling careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could gamble like other people The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his gambling is the great obsession of every abnormal gambler."
We have all kinds of mixed-up thinking. Let's say we go to the casino with 50 bucks and we win 500. We then proceed to LOSE (because we are compulsive gamblers). We walk out without a dollar in our pocket. Any normal person would think -Holy cow, I just lost $550 dollars! Not me, I would think -I just lost $50 bucks -That's only if I don't get more to try to win back what I lost. It is OUR EVERLASTING OBSESSION to want to gamble like "normal" people.
You talk about crossing that invisible line. I think you hit the nail squarely on the head. This brings me to the pickle analogy.
A lot of alcoholics use the cucumber-to-pickle analogy to describe that phenomenon: a true alcoholic is someone whos turned from a cucumber into a pickle; you can try to stop a cucumber from turning into a pickle, but theres no way you can turn a pickle back into a cucumber.
Nice to be here with you, Christina, and all the rest of you. I couldn't ask for anyone better to be making the journey of recovery with, than you fine people, Love and hugs, ~Estel
=/
Two things strike me- the first being a basic belief in GA, the worst thing that haunts a compulsive gambler is the illusion that they will someday gamble normally again- we can't. They say it will lead you to the gates of insanity, prison or death. I firmly believe that and firmly believe/know that this is a truly progressive disease, if we don't take that stand and stop, it will always get worse. The path of worse I suppose is a bit variable for everyone, but worse for sure. For me, the second time around it really took over my daily routine, whereas the first time it was more of an obsession that I could do without for stretches of time.
The second thing is something someone mentioned to me a while back- hiding the gambling... Wow, that's a sure sign that you're in deep. Think back when you first started, you likely didn't give it a second thought to say to another person you were going out and having "fun" at the casino, or wherever. Once we get caught up in this mess, the first thing I feel we share is the impulse to isolate and keep our "fun" to ourselves. Early on I made a vow to myself to absolutely tell everyone concerned with my recovery that I was going back out, if I chose to do that. Thankfully, that day hasn't come yet, but I feel it's a good mental tool for our mutual toolkit- if you're headed out, shout it out! If you can do that, so be it, but I doubt anyone would. I try to keep that close in my mind and I feel it works.
Hang in there!
Jay
if your going out, shout it out !!
you can see the pain and anguish it causes when we relpase and come back here to honestly tell the others we have failed to keep the recovery going.
I can't imagine telling my family or friends or all of you that hey, I think I'll go and gamble for a littel, just like normal people, don't worry, I'll be okay,
I won't spend much, ya da ya da ya da..........
They would be calling the local health department for the number to the local mental lock up ward.
And if I ever do this................
I hope they do.
Like it Jay,
shout it out BEFORE you go.
great stuff.
Atticus - the fessing up was that what was holding me back from acceptance was the underlying thought that I could gamble normally. It was in conflict with what was apparent! I do wish the counselor would have been more adamant about exploring that delusion and exposing it. I think we could have made better progress with our sessions. However, I think I just needed to go back out and prove it to myself how compulsive I was, so I could REALLY believe it! So, it happened just the way it needed to!