My goodness Renee, you certainly do have your hands full. For the past 5+ years the casino has been my escape as well. So, I completely understand the feelings you're experiencing. Yesterday was a trying day for me and many times I thought about how I used to cope with stress. Before I started this journey to wellness (this is proud day 44 in my recovery), I would bolt to the casino at the first sign of pressure so that I could hide out and not have to deal. Thank God I don't do that anymore. The memory is still there, but the urge is not. As recovering addicts, we must replace our former destructive coping mechanisms with healthy and productive ones because life will always bring us challenges. I struggle with this daily and it is probably the weakest part of my recovery right now. But, I'm aware of it and am working on it, and I believe that it will come in time as long as I stay GF. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither can I expect to master all aspects of recovery in the early stages. I am so proud of you for standing steadfast in your recovery. Stay strong, focused and committed. And when you need a shoulder, we're here for you.

Renee,

I am so sorry about your family and friends. That is a lot to deal with at once.

I am happy that you came here for support instead of the casino. It sounds like there are a lot of people you love who will be needing your strength and support in the coming weeks/months. Make sure you don't neglect yourself and your recovery - lean on us for awhile! Also, make sure you fins the time for a GA meeting. It's so easy to neglect ourselves when we are needed, but it's more important now.

Stay strong and take care of yourself. I'll keep your loved ones in my prayers.

sorry for all you are going through naynee.............it takes great strength not to run to our 'place of comfort', which used to be gambling. now we are using better coping skills: posting here, journaling, talking to friends, prayer, exercise, and honesty: allowing ourselves to 'feel' our feelings.

hang in there one day at a time. I've had a very trying week, too. I"m just dealing with each issues one at a time, and trying to remember what I can, and cannot control.

have another gamble-free day: then it will be a great day!

Stay strong Renee,

This too shall pass. Gambling will only make things work.

My prayers are with for you.

Hugs,

Charm

Things worse*

not work.. lol..

I am sorry, just excited coz it's Friday :)

My heart goes out to you and I will pray that you stay the course of choosing "Free Will" over being controlled by chasing the illusion of being a winner when we know it is not possible.

God bless you,

Kenji

Wow! Stay strong, sorry all this stuff is happening around you. this is a major test, pass it, and you will be able to tell yourself from now on that you can handle extreme stress and not falter.

Good luck :)

So in writing this at late hours on Thursday, I didn't add that I attended a GA mtg Thursday (my favorite one). There were more people than usual. I had no intentions of sharing, but my buddies - Deb & Jen already knew of my struggles since I texted cause I had urges. Deb "made me" share. I broke down and cried. Anyway, I have been back & forth with giving up smokes mostly because it affects my activities such as hiking and kayaking and aerobics. Also, we go to Cali all the time and the peeps there hate smokers. LOL. You are branded :-)) Anyway, I found myself in the parking lot at lunch Thursday of a casino, almost walking in and I drove off and went and bought a pack of smokes - stupid, I know especially after finding out about our friend with brain tumor. Anyway, I decide that Friday evening my hubby and I will go to dinner in downtown Reno and have a beer and go see Transformers. We call our friend who is also formerly from AR and invite him. He walks into brew pub and says "I come bearing bad news." We say we can't take anymore bad news this week. He tells us how he accidentally called the wrong paddling buddy and found out one of our AR paddling friends drowned on a class 4 river in Colorado Friday! Fuck!!! This is the 3rd boating friend in AR that something bad has happened to. 40 yrs old leaving a wife and 2 young kids. He was the most awesome guy. Just like that - paddling an awesome river and he flipped, couldn't roll, his buddies pulled him out, did CPR for an hour and he didn't make it. We just sat there like "damn....." What next? So at that point, we decided to get drunk. Just celebrate the lives of those lost. I don't normally do that and I am paying this morning. But the more I think about things, the more I think Jon died doing what he loved rather than from a horrible disease like my other friend. I hope I go in a snowboarding or kayaking accident, where I am doing something I love! I saw on Facebook where everyone was talking about Jon's death and a woman asked why he would do something that put his life in danger??? OMG - driving a car, flying on a plane, riding a bike on a street, visiting a germy hospital or doctor office, etc puts you at risk. When it is your time, it is your time. You can assess your risk on a river - I don't get myself in over my head. I know my abilities and when in doubt I ask my husband since he is the better boater. But now that gambling is out of the question, I am focusing on improving my kayaking skills, so I can drop bigger waterfalls. I don't want to be some old crusty up person having a heart attack in a casino! I want to go in style and if that means my death is from some sporting accident be it on a river or a snow covered mountain, then I will be happy. Burn my body when I am dead and spread my ashes over the flowing waters! I hope my friends rest in in peace and I pray for comfort and strength for those who had to pull the body and try to bring him back to life, never and easy thing. But it is a choice we make as a group when we venture out on the river. I am just glad we all have the skills to do this. Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

Renee,

So glad you resisted! But I am terribly sorry to hear about your losses. As you may know, it was unresolved grief that led me to gambling. After losing four close family members in a matter of weeks (including a parent and a sibling - both unexpected) I bottled everything up inside and slowly withdrew from everything and everyone I loved. I am glad to see that you are sharing your feelings about your grief. It will help you to work through it.

You came close to gambling but you didn't - and that's what matters. I'm glad to hear you are using your physical activities as an outlet.

I'll keep your loved ones in my prayers tonight.