I'm challenged, a lot.  During my recovery, actually even before my recovery, I finally had to admit other than I was a compuslive gambler, that I'm a very stubborn, emotional, arrogant person.  I'm not beating myself up, I'm being honest.  I also know, the good in me far outweights the character defects I have.  So stubborn, so stubborn, that during my many years of gambling, my many years of wanting to stop and relapsing,  I told myself, over, and over and over again, I could do this, I could walk into a casino and I could win, I could walk into a casino, and I could not only win, but I would leave with the money I won and only stay for a few hours.  I told myself, once I won, and left, after only a few hours, I would be done and I would never go back, and I would imagine giving the casino the "bird" on the way out... of course, that never really happened like that.  The never ending cycle, that didn't end until I finally decided to drop the rock, to be honest, and to feel the flipping pain that comes with recovery, because the hard work and raw emotions I had especially during my early recovery, was far less painful than any day I spent gambling.  Of course, I didn't figure that out, until I had a taste of recovery.

Recovery to me, isn't a "I'm never gambling again" comment because God knows, those words came out of my mouth a billion times. Its a start, but its definately not the only part of my recovery,,, I had to literally not only admit I was a compuslive gambler, I had to KNOW and understand that if I didn't get help, if I didn't at least work the steps, and reach out to others that suffer from my addiction, the words "I'm never gambling again" were just words.  With my addiction, the old saying of "watch my actions, not my words" rings true.

We all want the same thing, I truley believe that.  We all want to stop the cycle, we all want to not feel the pain of our destruction, nobody really wants to suffer, deep down, I never wanted to suffer, I just didn't want to finally admit, I had a problem.  I was too stubborn, and this addiction, if I allow it, will try to tell me, I can gamble again.  Thats ADDICTION. Recovery is about helping me, when the urge comes, and it does and will, most likely for the rest of my life.  I need help, I need to know what to do when the monster called addiction tries to convince me that its okay to gamble. 

I know I'm not alone. I know that others like me suffer from the same addiction.  I know that others just like me struggle with this addiction and if the urge comes, and it will, we can either fight it, like the warriors that we are, or, we can let it grab a hold of us, and end up placing yet again, that next bet.  I'm not saying recovery is easy, I'm not.  But, it gets better.  Each day I don't place a bet is a new day, its a good day, its a victory in my book and its a blessing.

I don't want to gamble again.  I know for me, that its an addiction that can take me away from the people I love, it can destroy my soul, it can financially cripple me.  Its a selfish, destructive addiction, that ulitimately will destroy me and the people that love me.

Yes, I'm challenged, often, yesterday was one of those days where I was emotionally challenged by another person.  Do I react to things well, of course not, I'm an onion being peeled, I'm far from perfect, the good news is, I didn't place a bet.  I overcame the obstacles in front of me, called life and I woke up this morning, with no regrets when it comes to my recovery. That is a good thing.

Do the day my sweet warriors,,,, because, its your day to be had.  xoxoxoxo