Oh sweetie, when you need him the most, God does carry you. Its up to you now, to decide, enough is enough, you're tired of being sick and tired, and do recovery. You have today, and each day, it will get better. Please don't beat yourself up, instead, remember the experience, remember what happened, and focus on never, ever letting it happen again. You can do this, we are all here for you. xoxox

this disease can make you physically sick. first, you should make sure you take care of yourself physically. rest, eat right, take any meds you're supposed to.

then, remember this is the nature of this addiction: relapse. we have to forgive ourselves, dust our self off, and get back to recovery.

the days you counted before are still important. if you made it that many days before, you can do it again: and more.

stop beating yourself up. and you might have to emphasize to your family that you can't go even for dinner or other celebrations. our casinos here have great food. but, I can't even go in there and buy a quick lunch.

keep in touch. and please take care of yourself.

Legolady,
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this again. Take a deep breath and do it again.

Instead of focusing on feeling worthless and weak, try to focus on WHY you feel worthless and weak. You may think you feel worthless because you've lost 900, but really? I dont believe you feel worthless for 900 you lost. What if you had won 900? Would you had been feel worth? Regardless of mony won or lost, you are worth it!
You are not weak either, just think of all the despair you have endured, we just don't know what we should endure and what we should not.

I hope you can get some good rest and give yourself a time to clear your mind soon. You cannot take back what happend. Today is what matters. Do not give up, we are pulling for you. Ask your husband to help you by not suggesting to visit any gambling establishments. Remember, once you are addicted, there are no such thing as gambling responsibly. It just don't work and it never will.

Be strong, your higher power is carrying you at this moment.

love,
victoria

Lego, yesterday is gone and you can't do anything about it now so don't fret about it.....live in the moment and look forward to tomorrow. Sometimes it takes many "start overs" before we get it right...don't give up, try, try again. We are here to support you and walk this long road of recovery beside you. You are not alone, we have to lean on each other in this battle. Take care of yourself and get that positive attitude back.

Dear Legolady - I have relapsed after 30+ days a few times, so I know your frustration and feeling of worthlessness. Everyone is right, you need to learn from the experience, yes, there is no controlling it once you are there, but it is a done deal. Time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go forward. Forgive yourself.

If you have not gone to GA, please do. Get as much literature as you can to give to your husband and anyone else that "thinks" you should just be able to say "no". They need to understand this addiction and your struggles. Your husband needs to understand that taking you to a casino is like taking an alcoholic to a bar. What does he think will happen?

God does love you and we do understand your struggles so well! Please do not beat yourself up - I know - it is hard not to, but it really will not accomplish anything other than to make you feel worse, and possibly send you back. I know that is what has happened to me far too many times!

As others have said - we are here for you!

Thanks everyone for your kind words of encouragement. I soooo appreciate the support you have given me and the hope you have provided with your words. My heart is heavy and my life a mess but I'm still breathing.

breathing, and GF for today, now, that's recovery.

Dear Legolady, As you can see, You are among friends here. We do understand what you are going through. We have all done it. Please take the steps to set up your recovery plan. You can't just will yourself into recovery. Cut off all casino's, get your money in a safe place. Where did you get the 900? From the ATM? Go to the bank and set your ATM to no more than a small cash advance. Mine is set at $20. So It's useless at the casino. One person here always told me NO MONEY = NO GAMBLE. It's true! We can't trust our addicted brains early in our recovery. You can do this! Find a GA meeting & a councilor or even treatment if it's available in your state. Do what ever you can do to stop yourself. Talk to your husband about this too. Is he also an addict? If so, try to get him some help too. I am very early in my recovery but I finally am starting to feel free. Life without gambling is so much better. Break free! You can do it! Hugs! Cher

When I first read your comment, I thought what the heck??? Why would your husband do that to you? Then some options came to mind. I thought that maybe you haven't fully disclosed how serious the problem is, which is what I did in the beginning. As a compulsive gambler, we can twist and manipulate any story to our benefit. So it is easy to make one believe it is less of a problem than it is. And the part about "just don't do it" - trust me, I get it. My husband asks me how long I have to go to GA before I am "cured"? And why I can't just drive past the casino without turning my car in the parking lot. Now mind you, I live in Nevada, so there are machines in the grocery stores, bars, airport, convenience stores and a casino of some sort on every block it seems. My office is across the street from a casino. But he doesn't get it and no amount of explaining or GA literature will make him understand the addiction - those who don't suffer, won't get it. He tries to be supportive to some extent but will never understand. He does go out of his way to not ever suggest dinner or shows at a casino. There have been many concerts he has wanted to attend and he has to find other friends to go with. He likes certain restaurants at casinos and he either goes alone at lunch or finds a friend to eat with. When we go downtown (Reno) he tries to not take the main street so we don't have to drive past the main casinos. Another point in your post, if your husband was aware of your problem, how did he let you gamble that much money and how did you get the money? I know I had my sneaky ways even after I turned over my paycheck and debit cards and access to checking account to my husband. But I had credit cards and balance transfer checks that were in my name. That is where the destruction to my personal finances came in. But that's another story for another time. I have told these stories and my struggles for the past year and half on another forum. This go round in GA is working out better for me and I truly believe it can help if you want the help - it's not the cult everyone thinks it is. All my best to you and hopefully your husband and sister get on board and keep you out of the those demonic places I call casinos :-) While my problem started in 2002 in Louisiana, I moved away for almost 10 years to AR (no casinos) before relocating to Nevada where the problem resurfaced with a vengeance and I have been battling this for a year and a half and picking up the pieces from the tornado like path of destruction it has left in my life. Where I was once the happiest person and enjoyed life to its fullest, I am the most miserable human being who struggles to get through the day - I relocated for a management position that everyone thinks I am doing such a great job at, but deep down, I barely get through my day because the job is so miserable. I loved my old job and this one is so horrible and has so many challenges that I can't even figure out a way to make it a happy place. My supervisor and I both left our previous job in AR as a team to come here. I keep saying if I can fix myself personally, I can fix myself professionally. But maybe I am just kidding myself.....maybe it is just some stupid fake goal, but a goal nonetheless. Anyway, back to you, hang in there and have a true heart to heart chat with your husband. That is what I had to do. It resulted in a bit of a fight and some tears, but if he loves you, he will do what it takes to help. My husband doesn't gamble at all, so he has no problem staying away from the casinos.

Legolady,
I'm so sorry to hear that you had the experiences you had and I hope you are feeling better. I have to second Naynee's points without a doubt. Not sure exactly how the casino got involved, but you have to stay out of them and definitely don't look to them as a place to celebrate an occasion- it's so easy to get caught up in a moment there (they pretty much plan it that way) that's it's not worth the risk whatsoever.
You had said that no one understands and that is so very true, only those that have walked this path truly understand how baffling and insidious this disease can be. The first step is tough to wrap your head around, but you must know that you are a compulsive gambler and that you are powerless over gambling. That means for starters, you cannot gamble, no matter the game, no matter the stakes, period. There is no small bet or no bet that can't end up taking you over- the first bet is the one to avoid.
Hang in there,
Jay

Lego lady. First off, please dont beat yourself up . You had a slip and now you are back on track. The money will sort itself out one day at a time (ODAAT), but remaining GF is the key , also ODAAT.
I have to echo Jay and Naynee. I am not sure how the casino came to be mentioned as a place for a celebration, but if your husband is unaware of your situaion, you have to let him know and put in place some of the boundaries Naynee talked about.
If he does know then that is a different topic for another time.
However, people telling you to just say no and just dont gamble and just dont go have no idea of the disease concept of compulsive gambling.
There are cases also where a partner operates best when the other partner is in the grips of a disease. Caretaking etc. becomes their role. Then when the person recovers , the other person has lost a job, for want of a better way of putting it.
I am not saying this is your case, but it happens.
Hang in there.
John

I hope that things are looking a little brighter today. I understand how you are feeling. I truly believe that each of us has the power within ourselves to be able to carry ourselves in our lowest moments. Yes, we need support and yes, it would be wonderful if we had a knight in shining armor that could swoop us up and solve all of our problems, but essentially we've got to save ourselves.
When I first really tried to quit, my family and friends didn't understand how serious it was. After a while, after I let go of my pride and surrendered to the fact that I was really sick with it, I told those people who wanted to go to the casino with me, or take me there even, that gambling with me was like being a cosigner on my suicide note. That got their attention.
I think that there are many well meaning people that just don't get gambling addiction. These same people wouldn't offer a drink to an alcoholic, but will tell a compulsive gambler to buck up and just stay away.
Don't lose hope. The road to a healthy life is filled with potholes and detours and road blocks. Stay on the road anyways.
xoxo