Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
Hello everyone, this is my first post although I've been lurking for a long while, not really wanting to commit or admit. I am ready now. I've spent hours reading posts here, and am so grateful for this site. This morning, as I went online on my regular coupon sites, I was struck by the ironies of my addiction.
I ALWAYS shop sales! I'm not a tightwad, but I am a dedicated sale shopper and coupon user. I don't do "extreme couponing" but I do save about $30-$40 a week. I buy my family's clothes on sale, usually Kohl's or American Eagle at at least 30 percent off. I put $20 items in my cart, and then put them back before I check out because I have reconsidered, thinking they are too expensive. I've never bought a coat that cost more than $40. Yet I think NOTHING of feeding HUNDREDS of dollars into machines.
It's as if there are two of me living in the same body, same house, same life. The responsible me, honest, always considering my family's needs and doing what is in the best interest of them, and then there's the "gambling me", every Friday morning, one day per week. The gambling me lies, risks my families financial security, allows my husband to blissfully believe that our finances are secure.
I was never a good actor until I became a gambling addict. Now I could win an Academy Award. I even walk out of the casino jauntily, with a big smile on my face as if I had won, when in reality I just lost hundreds of dollars and as soon as I get into the car for the drive home my brain goes directly into financial damage control mode. "How can I stop the automatic draft of our insurance payment?" Can I sell my antique table on craigslist by Monday to get money into the account?
The peace that comes with reconstruction has just started settling into me, and it feels so very good. Now I rebuild, and struggle to become who I really am 7 days a week instead of just 6.
I ALWAYS shop sales! I'm not a tightwad, but I am a dedicated sale shopper and coupon user. I don't do "extreme couponing" but I do save about $30-$40 a week. I buy my family's clothes on sale, usually Kohl's or American Eagle at at least 30 percent off. I put $20 items in my cart, and then put them back before I check out because I have reconsidered, thinking they are too expensive. I've never bought a coat that cost more than $40. Yet I think NOTHING of feeding HUNDREDS of dollars into machines.
It's as if there are two of me living in the same body, same house, same life. The responsible me, honest, always considering my family's needs and doing what is in the best interest of them, and then there's the "gambling me", every Friday morning, one day per week. The gambling me lies, risks my families financial security, allows my husband to blissfully believe that our finances are secure.
I was never a good actor until I became a gambling addict. Now I could win an Academy Award. I even walk out of the casino jauntily, with a big smile on my face as if I had won, when in reality I just lost hundreds of dollars and as soon as I get into the car for the drive home my brain goes directly into financial damage control mode. "How can I stop the automatic draft of our insurance payment?" Can I sell my antique table on craigslist by Monday to get money into the account?
The peace that comes with reconstruction has just started settling into me, and it feels so very good. Now I rebuild, and struggle to become who I really am 7 days a week instead of just 6.
The big black dark spot here that obstructs the newly cleaned windows is that I cannot tell my husband about my spiral that has created our financial crisis until I have fixed a good part of it. He will be devastated, I will lose him and the kids, I know it. I need to focus on repair to the point where the damage is small enough and the recovery has progressed enough before I confess to him how badly I have screwed up. I just need to keep in mind that a "big win" won't happen, and that I need to increase my income and minimize my spending in order to avert the impending disaster.
I get what you are saying about being as sick as our secrets. I've been sick for almost 2 years now. Upset stomach, insomnia, stress related illnesses and conditions, all due to the secrets I've kept. Now the secrets I'm keeping are my meetings, this group, and the bill payoffs. No more insomnia, no more stomach aches.
And no, my husband would not be forgiving about this. I think he would forgive an affair before he would forgive this. He works so hard, 6 days a week, and I have been blowing his hard earned cash on scratch tickets and slot machines every week. I want to work just as hard to fix this mess I have gotten us into, and then let him know *he* is fine financially before I admit to risking it all. What I have done is so despicable, so disrespectful, so DISHONEST, that I cannot dump the stress of it all on him. I have thought long and hard about this, and it may sound like a cop out, and hell, maybe it is, but each day that I chip away at the debt I feel closer to being able to stop being anonymously recovering here at home.
You have an incredible story, and your peace and happiness comes through beautifully in your posts. I am so grateful that you have chosen to take your time to help here, and help me! Thank you.