If the desire to quit was all we needed, we'd all be free of this monster. I remember wanting to quit so bad that I was trying to make bargains with the universe. I would have given up almost anything in trade for the ability to quit. I remember knowing what I needed to do after a big gamble. I would be despondent and to soothe myself I would think of all of the things I was going to do to quit.... tomorrow. And as the amount of time from my last gamble grew, my resolve to carry out those actions diminished.

It was a vicious cycle. I ran around in that miserable circle for years.

The only thing that changed this was when I used the desire that I had to quit to give me the strength to take some action - immediately. I also decided that the pain that I would feel from doing what needed to be done would be less than the pain I was feeling from continuing to gamble. For example, I decided that people finding out was going to have to be okay. I decided that I was going to have to give up all access to MY money. I decided that I was going to have to ask for help and risk looking like a fool or a weak person or whatever bad thing came to mind. I decided that I was going to start being honest with myself and with those around me no matter how bad it made me look or feel. I made the decision that I would do anything it took, anything.... no matter how hard or how much embarrassment or how much pain it caused me.

When I stumble now, I take immediate action. Waiting for tomorrow does not work for me. When that desire is strongest, take action. Don't wait.

xoxo, lisa

ps. all of the embarrassment and fear and sadness has been worth it. It was much easier once I got the ball rolling. The more people I told, the easier it got. Most days I feel no shame. I am an addict. I am doing the best I can do and that's good enough.