My intentions, are not to "pass judgment" I am a compulsive gambler, in recovery. Part of my recovery actually, a huge part of my recovery depends on others, who can relate to me, who have walked in my shoes, and who know what I'm going through. In the early stages of my recovery, actually multiple attempts, I would only listen to what I wanted to hear, I had selective hearing. The parts I didn't like, I either discarded, or got defensive. Like the times, I was told, that I needed to do, whatever it takes to work on my recovery. That meant, not just banning myself for a year, as I had done prior, but, check the box that stated "lifetime ban." I just didn't think that was necessary, I thought, well, if I stay away for a year, then, I have this addiction under control. WRONG. I also didn't like being told that I had to be honest, I had to ask for help, I had to turn over my finances, get to meetings, be of service. I didn't like most of the steps, I needed to do in order to stay in recovery, one day at a time.

For me, I was defensive, I thought, I could do it my way.

I was like a stubborn, wounded child, that, cried, stomped my feet, held my breath, and just whimpered. I didn't like the old timers, although I wanted what they had. I hated being told, what to do, as I really thought, I could control this addiction.

I was wrong. Today, my recovery is listening, especially to those who have paved the way, or even better, to those that still suffer.

I don't speak out much, but I read a lot of the posts, daily on this site. Sometimes, I do react to a post, as its so near and dear to my heart, and I can SO relate to the messages posted. When I see that someone has become upset with me, for my recommendations, or my response, at first, I think I'm a bit put off. Then, I have that moment of clarity. That was me. and to be true, its still me in some cases. As my addictive mind can, and still tries to tell me, I can do this recovery, my way.

Experience, strength and hope, that is what is what I hold onto, from others, that come my way, before, and after me. This addiction isn't something that we can even begin to explain to someone who doesn't have it. We can try, but, unless you have walked in my shoes, I just don't think its possible. I lean on, those that "know me" my family, knows me, they love me, unconditionally, for that I am blessed. But, another person, who suffers from this addiction is the person, that I know, will pull my covers, call me out on my BS, and try to help me, as they too, have the same addiction. They have traveled the dark roads, that I have traveled.

This is a fellowship. This is a family of sorts. We as compulsive gamblers can relate too, and hold onto each other, unlike anyone else.

So, if someone is upset at my reaction to their posts, I'm not sorry. I'm sorry if they felt alone, or misunderstood, but, I'm not sorry for my reaction. I too suffer from this addiction, and without the not so subtle directions and experienced suggestions, I would still be suffering.

Do the day my sweet warriors. Sometimes, we just need to "stop, drop, and roll."

xoxoxo