Giving up access to money is a tool that many people have used to quit gambling. His willingness to do so is a sign he is serious about trying to quit.

One thing you need to understand, though, is that he has to be very committed to quitting. It is an addiction, and is very compelling. Once a gambling addict starts a gambling session, generally, it is very hard to stop until you are out of available funds.

If your husband is really serious, there is a program called Gamblock that will block him from online gambling on the computer on which it is installed. This program has helped many, many people.

As more time goes by without gambling, the urges become less and less. There are success stories here at this site of people who are in recovery.

Reading the journals of people here will give you an inside look of the urges, the struggles, and the effort it takes to put the addiction into remission.

I must tell you that, to my knowledge, no one is "cured" from this problem; however, by not gambling and working a program of recovery, it can be put into remission. Gambling again will trigger the addiction to kick in immediately. In my opinion, there is no way to gamble recreationally ever again once you are a gambling addict. The only way I know is total abstinence.

Admitting to oneself that you can't win by gambling, (because you can't stop until you lose it back and then lose more and more), is an important step in recovery.

I would recommend you separate your finances from your husband's....if possible, you should handle all the finances and he should no longer have access to money. You can have the credit card companies alert you if anyone tries to open cards in your name. There is a thing called Lifelock that you and your husband could sign up on, and they will contact you immediately is anyone attempts to open a credit card, etc.

Many spouses of gamblers wake up one morning to find the gambler has used their info to open lines of credit and then drained the account.

Many, many people who were ethical, honest people before gambling have been driven by their addiction into lying, stealing, manipulating, and deceiving to get funds for gambling. The disease gets worse and worse the longer it is not put into check. There is a fellow on one site I visited who went to prison for numerous bank robberies to get gambling money. He had once been a respected man in his community.

In summary, recovery is possible, if the gambler wants it. You will see wonderful people on this site who have reclaimed their lives and rebuilt trusting relationships through recovery.

However, you must realize this is a very difficult thing. Since you are not an addict, it may be impossible for you to truly understand the intensity of the gambling addiction experience. Please take steps to protect yourself, and watch for actions, not words. Watch for outcomes, not promises.

Wishing you the best...Dianne

My good friend Dianne has given the same advice as I would :)
I have messaged you some links that may also be helpful to you.
Hugssssssss, Kimbers

You sound so much like me. I knew about my H's gambling issues....and I married him thinking we were past it all. Gambling was a refuge from a painful divorce after a 27 year marriage. He swore to me that he'd learned his lesson after selling stuff to pay off his maxed out credit card. I even foolishly dipped into my savings to help him pay off a debt and move on. I figured...hey...we're getting married. End of a bad era....time to move on and grow.

Well...a month after we were married I discovered he'd been sneaking 2-3 times a week to the casino...and foolishly charging it to his credit card again. After that confrontation....I got a staunch promise to stop charging and stay away from the casino. No admission yet that he had been lying to me and sneaking somewhere behind my back...only sory that I continued to gamble.

Next...he dicovered the debit card.....a way to withdraw cash without any telltale credit card statement to turn him in. Little did he know that the atm's at the casino CLEARLY posted the location of the withdrawals. So we had ANOTHER confrontation and he then put me on all his bank accounts so I could have on-line access and check up on him.

There were still nebulous cash withdrawals for purchases withdrawing $700 in cash to pay a friend for a woodstove, which the friend admitted he'd only charged $500 for. (So where did the other $200 go?) I found $700 in crisp casino hundreds hidden above the bathroom mirror. We had another confrontation and the money was deposited in the bank the next day.

I have to say...things got better when I went to my Pastor to tell him I was afraid that my H was hooked on gambling and I was terribly upset MORE by the sneaking behind my back than the amount of money he was wasting.

The next time I found a swizzle stick with the casino logo in his pocket. Kept checking his pockets after that find, and about 2 weeks later....$1200 in cash was hidden in his lapel pocket.

This time I ran to the Pastor saying I wanted him to come with me...but H refused. Pastor gave me some good advice. Not to challenge his gambling, but rather let him know that I felt his role as a H and Steward of our marriage was being breached. He said to let him know thatI forgive him, and understand how he was truly DEVASTATED by his wife's serial infidelity. I think he was surprised that I apologized to him for not understanding him better. I think he felt even more remorse for having me ask to be forgiven for searching his pockets.

There have been other incidents... but the last time I came home crying from work. He went with me to the Pastor for counseling. The Pastor is a young man who GETS addictive behavior....and talked about shoring up my H's accountability network, as well as giving me permission to hold the financial reigns.

It's not over...but the incidents appear to be less frequent. My H obsesses over his "toys" and trips away....I could care less, but he is always searching for a DEAL.

Right now, he goes to a men's group about once a week. We are trying to attend church together regularly too. It seems to be having a positive impact. I check accounts regularly and I have a program on my PC so I can check where he surfs.(I feel guilty about spying on him...but I would feel worse if he started on-line gambling and I didn't catch him before it was too late.)

At one point, H had a slip and he volunteered to give up his ATM and Credit cards....I held on to them for a week before he asked for them back...but his willingness to surrender them was HUGE.

I still deal with wondering where he goes when we are apart. He has skipped work, slipped into the casino after work or after a sporting event. It's always on the way home...so he can the excuse to jump in for a minute. I always check the accounts when he is out....call the credit cards (we rarely use them now, so a stray charge raises an eyebrow.)

It's not perfect...but it gives me SOME modicum of feeling in control. He has pared down 2-3 visits a week to 2-3 a month....with the ultimate goal of not going at all. He has confessed his slips more recently, as opposed to letting me discover them....but I still feel hurt that he has this secret life. Still feel like I'm not enough to keep him happy...though I try to be loving, helpful, supportive, and attractive. Maybe the fact that I am a watchdog has somehow driven a wedge between us. I don't want that role...but I won't stand idly by and let the Enemy have free reign over him either. Feel like God wants me here to help my H fight.

Anyway.....for what it's worth. you have a kindred spirit. My one year anniversary comes this May. Feel like I have been married for 10 already...with all the strife.

Please keep in touch.

Canterville

I know he knows I am always wondering about him...I love him, but I feel sad that I can't say that I truly trust him.

Hi Sholzer,

I am glad you found this web site. It is super and has been a life line for me (wife of a gambler). I am sorry you are going thru this with your hubby... especially after he had been clean for a while.

Can I ask why you are opening a joint account?

If hubby were sincere, he would want you to handle all of the money and ensure the bills were paid and money set aside for savings/retirement, etc. A joint account will allow him access to your money (unless your bank has some special provision that I am unaware of).

I understand your being scared that he may resent it, but look at it this way... what would you do if he were a drug addict? Would you be afraid of what he would think of you if he were shooting drugs into his veins?


If he is serious about gambling I am sure he will find other ways to get money. Just do what you can to ensure it is not your household money.

You cannot control this, you cannot stop this... and more importantly you did not cause this.

His telling you he is scared you will leave him is a manipulation. If he were serious, he would do what needed to be done to stop gambling. He just wants you around to make life easier for him (sorry, I am so blunt, but I have been married to my husband for 17 years, 10 of which now he has been gambling).

Here are some practical suggestion for you to begin a 'protection campaign' for your family. I do not know your husband's dispostion, but you have not indicated he is abusive.

He may not like some of this, but I do not think he is being very considerate of you wha you think nor your financial security or your marital foundation (built on trust, etc).

1. get a post office box (or a box at a PAX Mail type place) have all of your mail sent there, so you can intercepte it. (~$10.00 a month).

2. open a credit check with someone like Equifax ($12/95 a month).

3. open a lock with Equifax ($2.00 a month) so no one can open credit in your name.

4. have a single bank account so that you can ensure your household bills are paid and you can put money securily into savings.

5. close any credit cards where both of your names are on them.

6. check with an attorney to see what the laws are in your state about having his dept separated from yours - it is called "Dissipation of Maritial Assets." It makes it where you are not held accountable for debts incurred by him.

Listen to the gamblers who are in recovery on this site... they have been such a source of help and strength to me... to help me get my head out of the sand and realize I am facing a giant and unless I do something proactive for me and our son, I will be in the same boat (or worse) 10 years from now.

Best of the day to you. {{{hugs}}} debby (today I have a choice)

I am also a concerned gambler's wife, don't even know how to start aside from my husband gambles up to his last penny on his account. His first marriage was ruined by gambling; i knew about it but still believed for what he said that a complete family may help him fight his addiction, but it was too good to be true. First few months of being here in the US was ok; we still can pay our monthly room-rent until he told me he's incapable of supporting me and my son; so we moved out but constantly see each other. Now that he was laid off from work, every penny that he receives from the company,and a loan from his pension, was ALL lost from gambling.And the worst, he wants to get rid of me. He's not open to any suggestions on how to manage his money; for him, that's his money and I dn't have the right to give opinions nor suggestions.

I already gave every supprt and understanding in me, but I'm totally sure he's not ready and willing to quit. His parents marriage crashed bec of gambling and so was his first marriage.This morning he wanted to leave; he will just sleep into his van since I am now living wth siblings; I dnt want him to leave and live just like that so i keep the van keys; but the last message i gave him was, if he would be happier living without me then he could go, but no matter what if everything gets worse, he has a wife to go back to.

Am i right? I know I sounded like martyr but it's how i feel.

Thanks to all.

Thanks for all of the advice and support, I greatly appreciate it. Still struggling though... I feel like I don't know how to act or react. I feel like I should be more angry, like I forgave him too quickly. It's been only a week and we already, barely, talk about this issue anymore. He says he's done for good and doesn't want to hurt me, and has no desire to gamble now. I don't understand how that can be possible to just turn it off so easily? I'm finding that I'm bitter, and suspicious, and I'm trying hard to believe the things he says but in the back of my mind I think... he's lied to me before, why would this time be soooo much different? It feels exactly the same. He tells me he's willing to do ANYTHING, and I suggested going to a GA meeting in our town... but he told me he could tell it wouldn't feel right for him, and that this website would be enough. I just don't know. I'm so up and down with this. I just don't want this to happen again.

On a happier note, I've decided to take charge of my life a bit more and go back to school so that I can have a job that makes good money and not feel like I completely depend on him for that.

Actions speak louder than words. One week without gambling is good, but it's not a cure. If he doesn't want to talk about it, or if you both don't want to talk about it, that doesn't mean it has gone away. I think that might be denial? You both need to be able to talk about what's on your mind, that includes his gambling addiction and how it has effected your relationship. I'm a compulsive gambler. I have over a year of gambling free time. I don't think a day has gone by that I have forgotten I'm a compulsive gambler - there is no cure. I talk about my recovery with not only my husband, but with others. Talking about my addiction and recovery is how I stay in recovery. I've never journaled in my life before, with the exception of a few tries when I was a teen...I think I was lying back then, afraid someone might read it! LOL Thinking about it now, it does seem kind of funny... Anyway, I was gonna' say, journaling has been a helpful tool in my recovery. I don't know if it works the same of spouses of compulsive gamblers? My husband has never, and would never, journal...it seems like men have a harder time talking about their feelings, let alone writing about them. My husband is the silent type :) But he will listen to me go on and on about mine. Hey - it feels like I've forgotten you ask for advice! Actions speak louder than words...that's how my husband felt for quite a while after I quit gambling. Actions take time, too. One day at a time things can get better. There is hope.