Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
After going back to the casino, again last week, I once again became extremely depressed and suicidal. As I became more and more agitated, the harder I prayed to God for relief. Our internet was out, so no DS. I began to question myself on how this happened again when I had just that morning given the rest of my money over to my husband. Other than about $20.
I then began to look over my life and my choices and why I have made the choices I have. I thought back to when I was happy, yes, many years ago I was. What was different? FEAR!!!! Fear has been completing consuming me, my every action just about. It is hard to explain, but I experienced a clarity that I just have not had. Suddenly I saw a very small flicker of hope. I have not been able to feel that I deserve to be happy, to feel peace, to be forgiven for all the damage I have done. But a voice deep within me (or all around me) said it is time to give that up. I was so broken, and I think I needed to feel that additional pain, in order to break through what has been holding me back.
So many things became clear. I will be honest and tell you that I don't know that I have totally accepted that I can't gamble again. The addiction probably has something to do with that. HOWEVER, I do know that at this point in my life, I can't gamble. I have allowed it to drag me deeper and deeper into despair, self-loathing, and even more fear. I became very honest with myself in that I had to do something more than what I have done so far to stop this. That is where it dawned on me - there must be a way of getting rid of my access to cash checks at the casino - and there was. When I called, the woman asked me if I was sure I wanted to permanently ban myself from that - without a pause I said yes!! The reality is, if I ever were stupid enough to walk into a casino again - I don't need that temptation. I would assume that people that don't have this problem walk into the casino with the money they are going to spend and don't spend any more. So why would I ever want to be able to get out more, if I were to go?
I looked at how irresponsible I have become, and how I don't enjoy anything that I used to. The person I am today, is not the person I want to be. Honesty. I used to save change so that I would have it to buy little things. Somewhere along the way, that changed to saving it to take to the casino. No more. Can't do it. Get honest that long before I go, if I am doing this, I know I will at sometime go. Wow!
I knew my relationship with God has been suffering. My fault of course. I have been so afraid to trust that He will take care of me. To believe that I am worthy of getting my life straightened around. I feel that I have reached the point that I have nothing left but to trust that he can, AND WILL, restore me to sanity.
Amazingly, Ken L. posted the reflections of the day for February 22-24 and it was right where I am at. Thank you so much Ken L. This just affirms for me that God is speaking to me and trying to show me the way. My Spiritual Awakening has just begun!
Thank you for everyone at DS and thank you God!!!
I then began to look over my life and my choices and why I have made the choices I have. I thought back to when I was happy, yes, many years ago I was. What was different? FEAR!!!! Fear has been completing consuming me, my every action just about. It is hard to explain, but I experienced a clarity that I just have not had. Suddenly I saw a very small flicker of hope. I have not been able to feel that I deserve to be happy, to feel peace, to be forgiven for all the damage I have done. But a voice deep within me (or all around me) said it is time to give that up. I was so broken, and I think I needed to feel that additional pain, in order to break through what has been holding me back.
So many things became clear. I will be honest and tell you that I don't know that I have totally accepted that I can't gamble again. The addiction probably has something to do with that. HOWEVER, I do know that at this point in my life, I can't gamble. I have allowed it to drag me deeper and deeper into despair, self-loathing, and even more fear. I became very honest with myself in that I had to do something more than what I have done so far to stop this. That is where it dawned on me - there must be a way of getting rid of my access to cash checks at the casino - and there was. When I called, the woman asked me if I was sure I wanted to permanently ban myself from that - without a pause I said yes!! The reality is, if I ever were stupid enough to walk into a casino again - I don't need that temptation. I would assume that people that don't have this problem walk into the casino with the money they are going to spend and don't spend any more. So why would I ever want to be able to get out more, if I were to go?
I looked at how irresponsible I have become, and how I don't enjoy anything that I used to. The person I am today, is not the person I want to be. Honesty. I used to save change so that I would have it to buy little things. Somewhere along the way, that changed to saving it to take to the casino. No more. Can't do it. Get honest that long before I go, if I am doing this, I know I will at sometime go. Wow!
I knew my relationship with God has been suffering. My fault of course. I have been so afraid to trust that He will take care of me. To believe that I am worthy of getting my life straightened around. I feel that I have reached the point that I have nothing left but to trust that he can, AND WILL, restore me to sanity.
Amazingly, Ken L. posted the reflections of the day for February 22-24 and it was right where I am at. Thank you so much Ken L. This just affirms for me that God is speaking to me and trying to show me the way. My Spiritual Awakening has just begun!
Thank you for everyone at DS and thank you God!!!
I am so glad you had this breakthrough.
I hope it continues to give you strength and comfort.
I had been in AA for nine years staying sober for 6 mths , 9 mths, 1 yr. etc and on April 26th 2001 I had my last drink.
That evening a voice told me that life was never going to get better if I kept drinking and I really listened to that voice. Also other sober guys came and picked me up drunk and brought me to a meeting. They had nothing to gain. That selfless act proved to me that people really care. I went to that meeting and said my name is John , I am an alcoholic and I was drinking today. That small act of humility opened a door to sobriety for me. Then I heard that voice and I knew this was my moment if I chose to take it. I had just come out of a detox the day before, started drinking again and knew if I was lucky that I would be back in hospital in a week.To me that was madness. Two detoxes in one week. That voice felt very real and I have not forgotten it since.
Also I had to make staying sober the most important thing in my life ODAAT from that moment. Without sobriety everything falls apart in my life , especially my soul and body and spirit.
Now to gambling. That exact voice came to me 37 days ago.
Things were getting bad fast and I was in danger of losing my savings , myspirit and my mind in a very short time- a lot shorter time than in the past.
The voice said that my life would never get better if I kept gambling.
When a voice gives simple but powerful messages like these a lot of other things fall in place at the same time. It is as if my Higher Power opened me up to recieve a lot of very powerful messages at the one time and totally alter my course in life.
With gambling it hit me really hard that it was futile for me to gamble because I was never going to win- if I won I gave winnings back immediately, if I lost I chased. Therefore I had to lose.
I knew my life would be useless if I kept it up.
I also knew that ODAAT not gambling and not drinking have to be the most important things in my life , because if either of those come into play nothing else then matters- my friends, family , my caring for myself or my life.
But it takes more than telling myself that these are the most important things to me- I have to do certain things- go to meetings, talk to a sponsor, check in here everyday that I can, etc.
John
" I looked at how irresponsible I have become, and how I don't enjoy anything that I used to. "
way to go new55,
You have been looking at your gambling life and replaying those feelings and emotions that make our life miserable and yet keep us coming back for more. So cunning and so deceiving that we have such a hard time trying to figure out how to tame this devil.
You recognized the fears and feelings of despair and acted appropriately on them by taking your concerns to a higher power and asking for clarity and help.
You made the decision, which is a better choice than in the past of gambling, to ask for an answer.
Now after "reaching the point" you have nothing left but to trust in your higher power and the fear is gone and you are positive and on your recovery path.
We are all so proud of you and so happy you have your Spiritual Awakening.