Character defect kind of seems like a yucky phrase. What else could it be called? Vicky brought up something in a post recently about character defects and it was an aha moment for me. In therapy, Ive been getting guidance that leads to insight that hopefully leads to positive change or fixing my character defects. I guess you could say it in a nicer sounding way by saying that Ive discovered and addressed some issues that might have led to my gambling problem. Ive been so humbled and freed from the label of perfect that I am okay saying I have character defects I guess.

Anyways, my point is that I have discovered something that kept me gambling for a long time, something that kept me from stopping gambling and I think it was a character defect. I dont think Im the only one that struggles with this particular issue. In fact, Ive seen at least a couple of people kind of talk about it here. So I really want to talk about my experience with it in the hopes that it will help someone else.

When I was deep into my gambling addiction I felt completely trapped and could not figure any way out (but suicide). I was physically ill over the thought of having to tell strangers (like my therapist or bankruptcy attorney) and physically incapable of telling my friends and family how far down I had fallen. I was more worried about what people thought about me than I was worried about losing my house or even family. I relied so deeply on others opinions for my self esteem that I literally wanted to die instead of having to face everyone once they found out. It was a character defect that needed to be discovered and healed.

I have lived in a box labeled this one has it all together, you can rely on her for anything, she is strong, she can deal with all of her problems and yours too. I had lived in that box since I was a small child, it started out of necessity. Getting out from under my gambling addiction has allowed me to see that first, I was living in that box and second, it was not meant for me. I am now free to live the life that I create for myself. I am free to fall and get back up. I am free to admit that I dont have the answers and that I am not always strong. I can cry and I do cry. My feelings can be hurt. I can be scared. I can rely on others. I am free from the self-imposed prison of my perfectness. I am humbled and I am free.

If any of you that are trying to quit, and are mortified about people finding out, are reading this, please know that in my experience letting go of being the seasoned professional, the best mother, the reliable one, the strong one, the one that has it together has been the best thing I have ever done for myself in 42 years. It was scary to start but truly, once I opened the door, the truth just came pouring out and it was completely freeing AND to my great surprise I am finding that every single person in my life has embraced me for who I really am and not who I portrayed myself to be for so many years.

You dont have to come out of the gate admitting everything to everyone. Pick one person and just tell them that you have a problem. Free yourself little by little. Thats what I did. When you come to the point where you have to really pour your guts out and let someone examine them, know that after its done, its behind you forever and you will be that much closer to freedom from your addiction. The more I have walked through that fire, the easier it has become. I expect that someday it will be a comfortable warmth I feel when I tell my story.