When I first really started to quit, that voice telling me to go was maddening. It was incessant. It was louder than the voice telling me to stay home. I wrote about it and I want to share it with you all.

THE URGE

Before I am even awake
the voice starts
you going today?
come on you deserve it

Sometimes its nice
and says in a sweet voice
this will be the last time
its okay to put off quitting for one more week
no one will even know

Sometimes its an asshole
and it pesters me incessantly
saying
we both know you are going
lets stop pretending
just get it over with
cuz you are going to suck at staying away
and trying to improve yourself is a joke

By the end of the day
I feel like my head splits in two
and whats left is a bloody mess
guts pouring out
a gaping hole of sticky red and messy flesh
and I can just go to the casino and itll all be better
for a little while

Or I can look in the mirror
and see the mess
and try to hold it together
and struggle minute by minute
to keep looking
because as I examine it
I can see
small parts starting to heal
slowly, cell by cell almost

Maybe patience is all I need

I read something on the internet
tell yourself the urge will pass
I think Not
until I die anyways
I am the urge
its not going anywhere
its with me every day
excited for me to wake up
or get quiet
or be bored
or tired
its my best friend when I need an excuse

Ive read
visualize it as a monster
and the less you feed it, the weaker it gets
see it shrinking
but I cant
because I am the urge
and I am not a monster

Is it possible to make peace with it
have a little talk
look, I know youve been trying to help
or at least thats where we started
this long road together
we could be friends
if only youd be quiet for a while

Id like to ask it when it turned on me
and why
and what it would take for it to find peace
besides that one thing
that I dont want to give it any more

Maybe I can visualize it as an upset child
playing childish games to gets its way
I could mother it
thats one thing Im good at

When it wakes me in the morning
whispering nonsense in my ear
I could give it a hug and
tickle it under its chin
we could laugh at how silly its acting

I can tell it rest my child
there is nothing more for you to do
Ive got it from here
and we could turn on the tv
watch cartoons and be content

When restlessness comes
And that child is stubborn
Ill say
hush my child
take my hand
and do not be afraid
we will always have each other
and there are no monsters
listen for the breeze
get still and be patient
peace is coming
I will show you the way

And we could find peace
in being bored
or tired
or quiet
together