Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
I am just so sick of how weak I am and how I allow this disease to take over. It is like I just don't care and I am autopilot for the casino. With all that has happened with my gambling, you would think that I would be ready to conquer the beast once and for all. Guess not as I found myself at the casino yesterday.
Triggers. Never gave it a thought, but I was in a store yesterday and suddenly I smelled something, and thought, hmmmm . . . that smells familiar, but I could not put my finger on it. Then, I was at a coin machine, and the combined drop of money it didn't want and the slip that came out for me to turn in for cash, was all it took. Got in the car, and off I went. All along thinking, you shouldn't do this. It won't be good. My disease told me it was ok, I didn't have my debit card. Sheesh.
I was going to try and text or call someone, but when I looked it my phone, I found that several recent numbers and names had been deleted as my phone had reset itself the night before. So, almost unconsciously I got out and went it.
Of course it was disaster. I lost my initial amount. And because I lose all reason or sanity, I went and got a new check cashing card (since I didn't have my debit card), and took my limit out.
Oh, the scent I smelled at the store was the same scent I smell every time I enter my local casino. Never even realized it before that they had a scent as you walk in.
So, I had a litany of reasons that I was going to tell you why I think I went, the biggest one being fear, however, it shouldn't matter how much stress I am under, I should know better than to just go. I just feel so lost as to why I can't seem to get a grip on this.
I quit before for 5 years. What is wrong with me? I just hate what I have become and who I am, but yet I can't seem to dig deep enough to just stop this madness. I wonder if I really should be even coming here at all. I just don't understand this.
Thanks for listening. I wasn't going to post, as I just feel so stupid, but even if I haven't accomplished it, there is still a huge part of me that says I want and need this.
Triggers. Never gave it a thought, but I was in a store yesterday and suddenly I smelled something, and thought, hmmmm . . . that smells familiar, but I could not put my finger on it. Then, I was at a coin machine, and the combined drop of money it didn't want and the slip that came out for me to turn in for cash, was all it took. Got in the car, and off I went. All along thinking, you shouldn't do this. It won't be good. My disease told me it was ok, I didn't have my debit card. Sheesh.
I was going to try and text or call someone, but when I looked it my phone, I found that several recent numbers and names had been deleted as my phone had reset itself the night before. So, almost unconsciously I got out and went it.
Of course it was disaster. I lost my initial amount. And because I lose all reason or sanity, I went and got a new check cashing card (since I didn't have my debit card), and took my limit out.
Oh, the scent I smelled at the store was the same scent I smell every time I enter my local casino. Never even realized it before that they had a scent as you walk in.
So, I had a litany of reasons that I was going to tell you why I think I went, the biggest one being fear, however, it shouldn't matter how much stress I am under, I should know better than to just go. I just feel so lost as to why I can't seem to get a grip on this.
I quit before for 5 years. What is wrong with me? I just hate what I have become and who I am, but yet I can't seem to dig deep enough to just stop this madness. I wonder if I really should be even coming here at all. I just don't understand this.
Thanks for listening. I wasn't going to post, as I just feel so stupid, but even if I haven't accomplished it, there is still a huge part of me that says I want and need this.
hello, yes, yes, yes,
we are here for you.
Hey, you slipped, really who hasn't and
you are RIGHT back here, why ? because you feel
like s--- and want to get back on track.
Maybe you could try remembering how you did it for five years before.
Anything right now you are trying to avoid, feelings etc ??
Don't escape, deal with them head on or forget them cause worrying
doesn't do a darn thing.
You just get right back here and don't let go.
We want you with us.
I want you to be there and keep counting with me.
You can't do this alone and I need you too.
Don't you also have the feeling that you are back but somehow stronger and better ? maybe in a day or two. That is how I felt after my relapse, dear what a ugly crappy word, relapse.
Okay, over and done, no more. gambling sucks, stinks, and is down right rotten, maybe that's the smell that you smelt.
sorry,
just came out that way.
IT stinks.
happy to see you back again,
sorry, but don't they allow "self ban" where you live???
If they do, run with a friend right now right there.
Cause that is exactly how I don't go to any of them
that offer it.
Especially if you know people then, you will be escorted out the door,
which, by the way, is where you want to be.
God bless,
Good luck,
GF is the way to be.
I think your insight is amazing! You know your triggers. That is a great tool to have. Just continue to build your tool kit so that next time the urge hits (and we all know it will) you can take action against it. One victory at a time and one day at a time. Whatever you do please do not waste your time and energy on beating yourself up over this. You have an addiction plain and simple, you want help, now just continue to take the steps you are taking.post, read, love yourself!
hugs,
Rainie
TheNewWay - not feeling stronger yet. Still have to tell my husband and feel his disappointment once again. Still have to come up with the money to replace what I lost. Fear is the main feeling that I have running in my veins.
Have been doing alot of praying.
Thank you for welcoming me back. I am grateful.
Oh and also TheNewWay - the casino that I have frequented - I had banned myself almost a year ago. In the last few months I have gone back, and quite honestly, they do not care that I had banned myself. I even was paid a handpay at the end of December, which I promptly gave back over a couple of more visits. I know that some casinos really will arrest you if you step on their property, and that kept me out for quite a few months. So mad that I went back and found out I could get away with it. Sucks that they don't live up to their own rules.
I say this, only so others will know that they should not depend on banning themselves as a guarantee to keep themselves out. For some it works, others it fails. I have heard of people being arrested for entering the property they have banned themselves from. I guess this one just isn't one of those.
You're back here and that, if nothing else, shows that you want to stop and from your post, you know that there's strength in numbers and support from others is usually a dead stop to an urge. Keep that knowledge and the knowledge of your trigger. We rely so much on technology today, it's a bit scary when you think of it... if you've got numbers of people that you can call, write them down on paper and keep them on you, in case your phone resets again or is lost- I keep #'s in my wallet right behind my cards, so if I start rummaging for money, the cards will pop out.
In any case, you're in a good place and keep on coming!
Jay
You said you quit for 5 years...what happened to make you start again? Just curious. I have been one week this time. I agree that it is MADNESS and if a person is not a compulsive gambler, they have no idea what it does to us.
So happy you came back. Like everyone has shared, we NEED each other. We understand each other. I have lost all of my friends because of gambling, so y'all are about all I have!
We need to use many tools at our disposal to beat this thing.
I was able to use the self-ban simply because I went so much
they all knew me, but I then just went to a casino that was much farther away and "had my way" with gambling there.
Really there aren't a lot of casino's using it anymore since they don't want you not to come, they want you to come there.
Once I asked and they laughed in my face, yet I still continued to go there, "what kind of fool am I" (so says Frank Sinatra).
In essence my take on this is do anything and everything to avoid casinos at all costs and effort. We must anyway. We can't control it.
They do so much trickery and encourage our patronage because we are the "patsies". Without us they won't survive. We make it so easy for them to take advantage of us.
I guess there are some who can go and just rationally and responsibly gamble. But I believe there are a lot of people that cannot control themselves and never get help and that it is just the nature of the beast.
right here we can "see" and feel the devestation this can bring and we are all learning and "progressing" away from the addiction and back to reality and back to a good life that doesn't include the gambling venue.
Without repeating myself, please know this....I believe in you. Now it's time for you to believe in yourself. The fact that you came back here and posted is a testament that you have not given up.
WE ARE ALL FIGHTING...each and every day to build a better past! It's time to put the gloves on, look your opponent square in the eyes and scream out loud ..."You've met your match....you're going down...not me"!
Let's do it....we're all in your corner!
Love, Tagg