Sorry to hear that. Try to go to a GA meeting asap. It can be therapeutic. Today is a good day for a new start. A life of being clean free. Don't linger about your losses/wins from your gambling sessions. It is in the past. Focus on staying strong and free from this disease. Best wishes!

Call the GA Hotline. Maybe you are in a state where they can give you free counseling. It is very helpful.

Try anything and everything, this addiction is insidious and will strip us of every penny of cash and most of our self worth. Friends drift away from lack of our maintaining the friendships, some literally pass away while we are gambling. Most compulsive gamblers end up like I did, financially, emotionally and spiritually bankrupt.
The addict within us will do anything to get back to the high we get from the gambling generated dopamine. We tell ourselves believable lies, excuses, and justifications. In order to stop the insanity I had to intervene in my own thoughts early, when they were still thoughts to gamble before they became urges. I had to change several false beliefs that were the cornerstones of my justifications to gamble, such as:
1. I can get ahead by gambling
2. Gambling is fun
3. I deserve to treat myself and gambling is a treat.
4. I can be a social gambler again

I no longer believe any of those, I now know:
1. I cannot get ahead by gambling - there is not enough money to make me walk away from a machine
2. Gambling is not fun for me
3. I don't deserve all the pain, misery and isolation that gambling brought me. Overall gambling has not been a treat.
4. I will never be able to be a social gambler again, (no matter how hard I wish it), that ship sailed nearly 20 years ago.

I am sure you learned something from your big mistakes, you learned this time that you could get in over your head in a hurry. If you really want to know why you are so addicted, therapy is your best route. We are all different but a large percentage of compulsive and problem gamblers have recovered from other substances, have childhood or domestic abuse in their backgrounds and /or have many losses and unresolved grief. For me it was a combination of all three of those, with my last and biggest binge coming on the heels of a best friends' passing.

Qwit4Good is 100% on point. I shared the same delusions. It wasn't until I unlearned all the magical thoughts I had about gambling that I was finally able to stop. I passed the 9 month mark last week and it would not have been possible had I not finally accepted my thoughts were irrational.

I believed I could get ahead by gambling. After all there were times when I won. Unfortunately those wins just provided the means to gamble more. That money would NEVER go to a useful or responsible purpose. I am an addict. If I am provided a way to enable my addiction I will certainly take advantage of it.

I thought gambling was fun. I believed it was a hobby. I considered it part of who I was. I had delusions of Frank Sinatra, suits, cigars, cocktails, the whole bit. It wasn't fun. It was a constant, all consuming, life destroying grind. It stopped being fun once it became a compulsion.

I also looked a gambling as a reward. Good day at work? Hit the slots. Bad day at work? Hit the slots. Tax return? Hit the slots. Won money at the slots? Hit the slots. There was nothing rewarding about it. Nothing. It took away my self esteem, my dignity, my integrity, my identity, my peace of mind. It ruined me.

Before I finally realized the only way my life would ever get better is to stop completely, I also tried limiting my gambling. I convinced myself that if I just go once or twice a month, only used reward play, gambled on a budget and played conservatively, like I had in the beginning, that it wouldn't be a problem anymore. That NEVER works. Once you cross that line into compulsive gambling you have to let it go completely. Forever. If you don't it will destroy you. It's only a matter of time.

The only happy ending for a gambler is one where they stopped gambling, period.