cinwolf, I’m happy you’re here, too.
I live in Las Vegas so I have to mentally exclude myself from gambling because it’s everywhere. I also worked in the casino/hotel industry before I became addicted to gambling and after, I’m retired now and at 21 months without placing a bet. I don’t normally go to the big casinos here unless it’s for a concert or a movie with my husband or family. When I first quit gambling it almost made me ill and disoriented to walk through a casino, Gratefully those feelings have subsided and now when I walk through a casino I see sad faces sitting at machines, it’s seriously rare to see or hear anyone actually having a good time. I still feel like I’m going to choke when cutting through a casino because of the cig smoke mingled with the ever present, overwhelming air freshener. Yuck! I never noticed it before because I use to smoke, just another one of my nasty addictions. During the beginning phases of my gambling addiction I was still working and I developed a mad hatred for the industry, but I continued to gamble and began to blame the whole industry for my addiction. Needless to say my job performance suffered. Daily I would hear some of my coworkers talking about their losses and wins, I never discussed mine with anyone. It felt like torture to me because mine was my dirty secret. I really do think some of my coworkers and bosses thought I was mentally ill, and I knew I was. I resigned from my last job in the industry because I was given an ultimatum, shape up or you’ll be fired. And I continued to gamble. After that I had a few part time jobs that I quit because any money I made I just gambled away and my husband knew it. After that I gambled with the money that my husband gave me for spending money, by this point I wasn’t on any bank accounts with him because he was smart enough to put an end to that insanity.
cinwolf, hang in there because it gets better one day at a time. Stay focused on the life you want. Be kind to yourself. And keep coming to these pages of hope.

Oh man, not 21 months for me, it’s actually 31 months,
February 23, 2017, at a bar I walked to by myself. It was my brother’s birthday so that’s how I remember the day of the month, I’m so bad with dates. I’m at almost THREE YEARS, that just made me smile. The past 31 months have been a remarkable journey I want to continue to travel with gratitude and love.

Another one
Can I do that year miss up thing on my birthday by shaving off a few years ! lol@mysel

Hi Robin,
Thank you SO MUCH for welcoming me and sharing your experience. It made me cry. I can't even imagine having three years and feeling like I have a new life with hope. Right now I feel so depressed I could just die. I started gambling after my husband died, I am in recovery for other addictions and the SHAME I feel right now is huge. Your description of the sad faces sitting at machines, that is the truth of it for me. I realized today it is all about my LONELINESS and FEAR and these things are literally killing me. I am in so much financial devastation right now I don't know if it is possible for me to ever get out of it. In the last couple of years in the back of my mind is lurking the thought that one of these days I am just going to end it all, but I stop because I don't want to hurt the few people who care about me, Thank you for your response. It means alot.

You have taken a brave step, and I encourage you to keep visiting this site and posting over the coming days and months. It can be totally overwhelming at first. I can still remember that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and how my thoughts kept spinning out of control, re-playing the tape of all the bad decisions I'd made and freaking out about ever being able to undo the damage. Pretty sure I cried for days. The best advice I got when I first got into recovery was "just breathe and do the next right thing". Even that seemed impossible at the time, but eventually things did get better. I found a wonderful support group and a counselor where I live, and I have also gotten great support here. One day at a time isn't just a slogan, it's truly the way it happens. Take good care of yourself and know that we're with you!

Thank you so much for the support, I can't tell you how much it means. Oddly there are so few GA meetings near me although there are multiple casinos. In the past I went to one meeting a couple of times in my town but it is no longer around, there might be a weekend one about 20 miles away. I wear my "One day at a time" bracelet everyday for many other reasons (besides this). I have no idea what the next right things is besides going to work and staying out of casinos. I guess that is enough for now.

Welcome cinwolf, you are not alone. In October of 2014, I was devastated when I first came to recovery. Completely and utterly bankrupt, financially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I had several suicide attempts and was facing prison for gambling with money that was not mine. (I only planned on borrowing it.) I too had a spouse that died, a best friend followed and another after that. (Unresolved grief is common among us.) Rather than deal with that grief I hid from it in the video slot machines.
I was at my lowest and hated myself for getting there and had no clue as to how to recover. (Or how to forgive myself and befriend myself.) The National Problem Gambling Help Line was my first call when I finally called. (1-800-522-4700) Treatment in my state is free for gamblers and the loved ones of gamblers. Treatment helped me abstain for close to five years. I recently relapsed (95 days ago) but those nearly five years of abstinence helped me get back on track. I have hope in my life, I have people I care about, I am grateful for so much, I have a stable home and I have leisure activities and hobbies that I love. I can see that I have many blessings. While I live on about 25% of what I did when gambling, I have saved money, and taken vacations 2 times per year over the last 5 years. I did not go anywhere but casinos for the decade previous to that and came home miserable every time. (Slapping myself in the forehead all the way home.)
Despite my recent slip, I am the happiest and sanest I have ever been. Today I will not gamble.

There are one or two phone meetings for GA - if you google GA phone meeting it should come up. I used to attend one on Wed I think, 9 PM Eastern time. I lived out in a rural area at the time and had only sporadic transportation.

Your right Qwit .....It's amazing without gambling.....how much we can do with our money now even though we are getting so much less.... and what we did it with it back then when we were getting so much more. That alone speaks volumes to me. You should be so proud of yourself Qwit !! Also to everyone who walks away from gambling....I commend you !!! I also still go to supper at the casino but do what Qwit suggested ...take less than 20.00. It works !!! It's still hard and I fight with the demon every weekend but I always try to find something else to do. I will not gamble today.

Thank you for the kind words GettingOut, abstaining is difficult. I do a lot of avoidance. Excluding myself from every little store, deli, bar I used gamble in would be impossible. (There are a few casinos in my state, but they are out of town and much easier to ignore once I had shut off the mail full of "free" offers from them.)
I try not to frequent places that have gambling, if I do, I try to have a plan about exactly what I am going to do there and will try to sit with my back to the machines. (And not take cash with me.)

Being mindful of my own thoughts and intentions is one of my best defenses, if I am fully present and engaging with people I am with, I have no desire to gamble. I also have noticed that my urges to gamble are directly tied to how I feel about myself at any given time. That includes how I feel physically, emotionally, spiritually, and ethically. If I am harboring any resentment, anger, unresolved grief or remorse, they are dangers to my abstinence and must be dealt with immediately. Talking to someone, journaling and posting here, are ways I handle those emotions now. Today I won't be gambling.