I'm finally ready to admit that my addiction has taken over my life, again.  I went almost eight years without gambling or drinking then in 2015, my 25 year old nephew died of a drug overdose, my son got sent back to prison for doing meth and my business was falling apart.  Stressed out, I started driking again which, of course, led me right back into the casinos.  My son was released from prison on election day 2016.  His girlfriend had a baby in April of that year.  They were living together at her sister's house.  She was always in denial of his drug use.  He relapsed in December and was threatening suicide (unbeknownst to me).  He disappeared on January 30, 2017 after calling me to tell me he was running from the feds, he was high on meth and I got angry with him.  We couldn't get ahold of him after noon that day.  The police found his body in his pickup in a rural area five days later - February 4.  He had died by suicide on the 30th, shortly after speaking to me.  The amount of guilt I have for not really listening to him is crippling.  He haunts me in my dreams, so much so that I would rather not sleep.  At least when I drink a lot, I do not dream.  His girlfriend refused to let me see my granddaughter after she told me she blames for my son's death and that I was a horrible mother, person.  She said she didn't want me to ruin her child's life as well (she has started to let me see my granddaughter some).  I started drinking more and gambling quickly got out of control.  I have struggled with suicidal ideations, nearly took my life once late last year.  I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  About to give up on life.  I hate this life so much.....