Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
I have struggled the last few days as to whether I wanted to come back and tell you once again that I threw it out the window and went back to the casino. It is embarassing, and makes me question my own ability to conquer this without some type of in-house treatment.
What I do realize is that this disease has a hold on me that I have underestimated. I have been trying to quit for over a year, but just came to this site in January. I continue to let my unhappiness, depression, and brokeness to control how I continue to react to stress with my family and finances especially, but in all areas of my life. The smallest thing just sends me off in fear.
After going through the last three days of debating whether I should just end it all (truly in a dark space), or somehow get the courage to come forward to my husband AGAIN and tell him of my failure - I chose to tell him. I had already given my money over to him, but I knew I was fighting within myself the desire to go drown reality out of my mind again. I allowed an encounter with our 18 year old son to be what pushed me to the edge of no return. With very little money off I went, knowing I shoudn't. Trying to talk myself out of it. But the addiction had taken hold once again.
Although I thought I was doing well transferring my money over to my husband, and giving him my debit card - I underestimated that I would get money with the check cashing card. I had already turned that over to him as well. The casino was more than happy to give me another one. I want to conquer this - so after our internet came back on-line - I researched my Vippreferred account and found a phone number I could call to exclude myself from being able to cash checks at the casino. Of course, they don't tell you that you can do that.
I told my husband about my latest fall, but that I have found a way of keeping me from being able to cash checks at the casino. With him as a witness, I called that number and have now permanently banned myself from being able to cash any checks in any casino in my state and any casino that uses global payments. I feel good about this step. Two months ago, I woud not have felt it necessary. I know now - I had to do this. This addiction has too much of a hold on me - I need to make it as difficult as possible to get money.
I need recovery. I need to find some joy in my life and it won't happen as long as my addiction is in control. There is a part of me that knows I needed to fall once again, unfortunately, so that I could reach the point of researching how to stop being able to cash checks at the casino. It has been my downfall the last 3 times I have gambled. No more!!!!!!
Thank you everyone here. I believe you have helped me to come to the point of accepting that I need every safeguard I can come up with to keep from doing more damage. Thank you so much!!!!
What I do realize is that this disease has a hold on me that I have underestimated. I have been trying to quit for over a year, but just came to this site in January. I continue to let my unhappiness, depression, and brokeness to control how I continue to react to stress with my family and finances especially, but in all areas of my life. The smallest thing just sends me off in fear.
After going through the last three days of debating whether I should just end it all (truly in a dark space), or somehow get the courage to come forward to my husband AGAIN and tell him of my failure - I chose to tell him. I had already given my money over to him, but I knew I was fighting within myself the desire to go drown reality out of my mind again. I allowed an encounter with our 18 year old son to be what pushed me to the edge of no return. With very little money off I went, knowing I shoudn't. Trying to talk myself out of it. But the addiction had taken hold once again.
Although I thought I was doing well transferring my money over to my husband, and giving him my debit card - I underestimated that I would get money with the check cashing card. I had already turned that over to him as well. The casino was more than happy to give me another one. I want to conquer this - so after our internet came back on-line - I researched my Vippreferred account and found a phone number I could call to exclude myself from being able to cash checks at the casino. Of course, they don't tell you that you can do that.
I told my husband about my latest fall, but that I have found a way of keeping me from being able to cash checks at the casino. With him as a witness, I called that number and have now permanently banned myself from being able to cash any checks in any casino in my state and any casino that uses global payments. I feel good about this step. Two months ago, I woud not have felt it necessary. I know now - I had to do this. This addiction has too much of a hold on me - I need to make it as difficult as possible to get money.
I need recovery. I need to find some joy in my life and it won't happen as long as my addiction is in control. There is a part of me that knows I needed to fall once again, unfortunately, so that I could reach the point of researching how to stop being able to cash checks at the casino. It has been my downfall the last 3 times I have gambled. No more!!!!!!
Thank you everyone here. I believe you have helped me to come to the point of accepting that I need every safeguard I can come up with to keep from doing more damage. Thank you so much!!!!
We have all relapsed so try and not beat yourself up too much.
We need you here.
John
so sorry to hear about your relapse,
but as you say "a learning experience" about what is and is not working.
So great your husband can find empathy and help you; you are blessed.
You say "continue to let my unhappiness, depression, and brokeness to control how I continue to react to stress".
I figured out my relapse trigger as isolation and not filling my new found time with new activities, maybe you can find a way to deal with some of this to avoid the stress and if not read about coping skills and how to handle the stress better when it does come, which it will we can't avoid life or stress.
Please keep doing the GA and see if you can find God and church again, you know they are so helpful and strong "shoulders" to lean on.
You are so so worried about your son and rightly so but he is an adult and has to find his own way and path. You can offer guidance maybe through someone else or find new ways to "communicate" with him and to him - your love and concern.
You are committed and that is why you came back quickly and honestly.
Always here for you
I send you much love and tenderness.
I think it's important that you realize there are root issues fueling your addictions. In recovery, safeguards are important but dealing with those issues are really how we all will achieve success in defeating our addictive natures. I'll be praying for God to fill those voids with a passion for life. It's amazing what our emotional needs will drive us to do. Hang in there!
There is a great book called "The Last Addiction" by Sharon Hersh you might want to take a look at - http://bit.ly/1fr3b9Y. Powerful stuff. Blessings to you.
it states that we all have the same addiction,
really we all have an addiction of some sort and that
we should understand ................................................................................................
"The last idol: [really is] the belief that we can save ourselves."
We must find God in our addiction and realize
that we are not as bad as we think but are also worse than we ever dreamed of and must live between the two.
She was a counselor living with addiction and treating it so I find there must be some empathy and understanding.
I feel the final point of all of this is that addiction is rampant and widespread and can only be "arrested" with and through other addicts understanding and empathy.
thank you for the wonderful post
I have so many things that I know sends me off to wanting to escape, and I know that somehow I need to keep working on them. I have just felt so overwhelmed with so much, that it was making it impossible for me to move forward.
I am to the point that I know I have to change or I won't be here, or anywhere. I will have little availability to cash, which will be good for keeping me from doing more damage. Giving that up has been a huge step for me. I grew up poor, so not having easy access to cash automatically puts me into a fear mode. However, I am hurting enough inside that my fear of never recovering is outweighing my fear of not having money immediately available. If that makes sense.
Thanks again so much. I could not do this without all of you here at ds!