Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
I just wanted to share a little story here, I am on my last day of 1 month gamble free, and my class has an exam today so I have some time to just play on my computer... I havent had much time to write or post on here lately, but I have been reading a bit here and there.
Well in the back of my mind I have known that there was .25c sitting in my stupid poker account still and knowing that despite how small it was, I would have to go back and use it at some point - i suppose if I really wanted to be strong I could delete my account and just say that .25c was lost the moment I deposited it into the account. However I didn't doo that, I went on this morning and I played 3 games, 2 games for 11c and another 2c game... such a pitiful small amount of money, playing for nothing, and yet it brought back all those feelings in me that I hated! It was very dangerous, I now realize, because it brought everything back in a flash - the anger, frustration, the tension... the desire to win so strong and yet the pure luck of winning or losing is laughable. And despite wanting to win so bad, and feeling upset over losing even that small amount, for a second it made me want to throw more money away! Just like always...
So, maybe it was a little test for myself, or maybe I wanted to just get rid of that so my mind would be clear of it, and maybe thats why the little devil on my shoulder WAS so upset when I lost, because that little devil still had dreams that this was a "way out" a loophole, where I could say I didnt really gamble bc it was money already spent, but yet if i somehow won 50 cents with my 25 cents, and then won $1 with that 50c... and then I could play a bigger tourney for $1 and maybe win $5 or 6... and so on and so on, the endless, hopeless dreams we dream! I did actually have a dream last week about winning a lot oof money - those dreams are very bad but maybe with time they will go away, I hope so, because they always seem so realistic.... I also dream about finding money on the ground and stuff like that, so weird!
Anyway, getting off topic! So I just went now and uninstalled the poker software from my computer, and I feel a little bit better now. The temptation passed, the balance is zero and it will stay that way, they arent getting any more of my hard earned money! For a while there I forgot just how hard it is to make $100, and I was gambling and borrowing and trying not to think about it but now that I am facing the music, trying to catch up and pay everyone back, picked up a second job, working extra shifts... I dont want to lose any of that money! One of my clients once told me something very wise, he said people play the lotto and dream of winning big but he doesnt play he goes out and gets it for himself!
So beware of "just a little" it will turn into " a lot" or "everything" in a flash!!!
Well in the back of my mind I have known that there was .25c sitting in my stupid poker account still and knowing that despite how small it was, I would have to go back and use it at some point - i suppose if I really wanted to be strong I could delete my account and just say that .25c was lost the moment I deposited it into the account. However I didn't doo that, I went on this morning and I played 3 games, 2 games for 11c and another 2c game... such a pitiful small amount of money, playing for nothing, and yet it brought back all those feelings in me that I hated! It was very dangerous, I now realize, because it brought everything back in a flash - the anger, frustration, the tension... the desire to win so strong and yet the pure luck of winning or losing is laughable. And despite wanting to win so bad, and feeling upset over losing even that small amount, for a second it made me want to throw more money away! Just like always...
So, maybe it was a little test for myself, or maybe I wanted to just get rid of that so my mind would be clear of it, and maybe thats why the little devil on my shoulder WAS so upset when I lost, because that little devil still had dreams that this was a "way out" a loophole, where I could say I didnt really gamble bc it was money already spent, but yet if i somehow won 50 cents with my 25 cents, and then won $1 with that 50c... and then I could play a bigger tourney for $1 and maybe win $5 or 6... and so on and so on, the endless, hopeless dreams we dream! I did actually have a dream last week about winning a lot oof money - those dreams are very bad but maybe with time they will go away, I hope so, because they always seem so realistic.... I also dream about finding money on the ground and stuff like that, so weird!
Anyway, getting off topic! So I just went now and uninstalled the poker software from my computer, and I feel a little bit better now. The temptation passed, the balance is zero and it will stay that way, they arent getting any more of my hard earned money! For a while there I forgot just how hard it is to make $100, and I was gambling and borrowing and trying not to think about it but now that I am facing the music, trying to catch up and pay everyone back, picked up a second job, working extra shifts... I dont want to lose any of that money! One of my clients once told me something very wise, he said people play the lotto and dream of winning big but he doesnt play he goes out and gets it for himself!
So beware of "just a little" it will turn into " a lot" or "everything" in a flash!!!
With that you will bury those annoying .25 cents and your emotional complicated attachment to it as well. Little griefing process is ok too... and its nothing to do with pitty parties at all.
Let it all Rest in Peace and move to more happier and simple things in your life.
One Day at a Time!
Very proud of you!
V.