Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
Today, I did not place a bet, its a good day. Its really amazing to me, how I would go to the card rooms, with the "intentions" of not staying for a long time, and only with a certain amount of cash. How quickly that changed. In the beginning of my career as a "card player", I was able to do that, I would go for a few hours, with a limited amount of cash, and "learn" how to play. As the years went on, I was introduced to the "high" stakes tables, and so it began. There were plenty of times, I was able to use my "skill" as a poker player, to win a lot of money, I would leave the card room, with a ton in my wallet and of course, prided myself on being "a good poker player."
As the years went on, my obsession with playing / placing the bet, was no longer about being a "good poker player." It was about placing the bet, and the bet got bigger and bigger, and the time at the tables become more and more crazy. I look back on it, and although I'm not overly convinced it was ever about winning for me, not towards the end anyway, I am convinced it was about the addiction, the inability to be able to just stop. People would said to me, "why don't you just stop." If it were that easy, well, we all know if it were that easy, we wouldnt be addicted.
The amount of money lost is crazy, I can't even begin to come up with a number, it was my complete savings, credit cards maxed out, etc. Oh sure, there were times, I would kick ass at the table, being the pro that I was (not) and I would pay off all my bills and stash away the rest, but, for the most part, that was rare.
I remember going into my first card room, after learning about poker on the AOL games. I would bring my 40.00 to the low end table room and play for hours, and when I lost, I was just sick over losing my 40.00, but, I would leave. I remember how it progressed into much more, I had been walking to the cage, to turn in my winnings, and it was on the other side of the card room, what is known as the high limit games. I was watching them play, and someone invited me to sit down. I did. My hands were shaking, as I played, and I won.... at that point I was in, hook, line and sinker.
10 plus years, of betting 900 a hand, or more, sometimes, winning, sometimes, most of the time losing. I also noticed, that when I first started to play with my 40.00 that my hands would shake when I placed a bet. Towards the end of my "career as a pro" my hands no longer were shaking. I was careless, I was zombie like, and it was no longer about learning the skills of the game. It was about my addiction and feeding it, at any cost.
Today, I am recovering from my addiction, I see this as a life time recovery.
I see this as if it were someone else, it was my body, but it wasn't my heart, soul, and it will not define me. Its an addiction, nothing more, nothing less, it requires constant care and nurturing.
Today, I have not placed a bet.
Hugs.
As the years went on, my obsession with playing / placing the bet, was no longer about being a "good poker player." It was about placing the bet, and the bet got bigger and bigger, and the time at the tables become more and more crazy. I look back on it, and although I'm not overly convinced it was ever about winning for me, not towards the end anyway, I am convinced it was about the addiction, the inability to be able to just stop. People would said to me, "why don't you just stop." If it were that easy, well, we all know if it were that easy, we wouldnt be addicted.
The amount of money lost is crazy, I can't even begin to come up with a number, it was my complete savings, credit cards maxed out, etc. Oh sure, there were times, I would kick ass at the table, being the pro that I was (not) and I would pay off all my bills and stash away the rest, but, for the most part, that was rare.
I remember going into my first card room, after learning about poker on the AOL games. I would bring my 40.00 to the low end table room and play for hours, and when I lost, I was just sick over losing my 40.00, but, I would leave. I remember how it progressed into much more, I had been walking to the cage, to turn in my winnings, and it was on the other side of the card room, what is known as the high limit games. I was watching them play, and someone invited me to sit down. I did. My hands were shaking, as I played, and I won.... at that point I was in, hook, line and sinker.
10 plus years, of betting 900 a hand, or more, sometimes, winning, sometimes, most of the time losing. I also noticed, that when I first started to play with my 40.00 that my hands would shake when I placed a bet. Towards the end of my "career as a pro" my hands no longer were shaking. I was careless, I was zombie like, and it was no longer about learning the skills of the game. It was about my addiction and feeding it, at any cost.
Today, I am recovering from my addiction, I see this as a life time recovery.
I see this as if it were someone else, it was my body, but it wasn't my heart, soul, and it will not define me. Its an addiction, nothing more, nothing less, it requires constant care and nurturing.
Today, I have not placed a bet.
Hugs.
Thank you for sharing that with us. Looking back now i feel like it was another person taking over my body when i was in full gambling mode. I wanted to quit so many times but the addiction kept winning out over the person who i needed to be. I also thought i had the slots figured out. If i spin it on a certain pattern it would hit better, etc. Its crazy how the addiction tricks us into believing stuff like that.Stay Strong. Hugs, Lisa
I agree with you about it just being an addiction, nothing more, nothing less. It does not define our soul.... it's just a part of our journey towards old age.
xoxo, Lisa
The single biggest thing that kept me from accepting that I really had crossed that invisible line of no return, was that there were many times I did actually walk out with money. But the reality is, many more times I stayed there and played until my last dollar was gone and my checking account was in arrears for as much as it could be, I had hit my "limit" for the day on my charge cards, and I had turned in all my change from my purse. I was complete broke and bereft. The money I did actually walk out with could in no way ever pay off what I had charged up or used up. It never was a "win". Thousands upon thousands of dollars lost. Gone forever in the metal boxes with the bright flashing lights and unending melodies created to deliberately win over my sensibilities, take my money with the elusive notion that I could win big.
I no longer am in denial. I know now that no win is ever big enough for my addiction. I am one bet away from becoming that "person" I didn't know, didn't care about, didn't respect, didn't recognize in the mirror. The addicted me.
I am so grateful for you and others who have helped me to accept my addiction for what it is! Praying we all keep up the good fight!!
Growing up I hated the sight of the casinos because gambling consumed my mom for 35 years. Little did I know a bad marriage place me right on its path,a place to get away where no one knows me.we'll all it took was one big win I was hooked. At first it was easy to take the loss and continue my day but as the years passes I have recognized that gambling has taken over my life :(
I remember one day play a $5, 5 line slot machine and hitting for $25000. I had taken a $3000 cash advance on a credit card to play that day and still had over $2K in my pocket from it. Before the attendant even got back to pay me, I had lost that $2K in the machine next to the one I was playing. I walked out the door that night with nothing. I lost every dollar I had won.
To put it in perspective, I had $144,000 in gambling W-2s in 2013. At the end of the year, not only did I have not a single dollar to my name, I had accrued $34,000 in credit card debt, took as many loans and hardship withdrawls from my 401k as I was allowed and was barely making it paycheck to paycheck. My win/loss statement for the year showed negative $61,770. It's just insane.
Gambling is bad enough, but high stakes gambling, it will really put you in a bad place.