You cope by taking care of yourself, and having faith that it will be okay. GA has a great support group for family / friends, I do hope you reach out to them, no matter what happens with your partner. Hang in there.

CandyX-Like Leapyear22 said - Take care of yourself by attending meetings, but also, if you have joint money, make sure you separate it and don't allow him have access to it. Hide your credit cards, and don't bail him out of money situations. Decide what is acceptable to you, and let him know. Then stick to it. It is ok that you are hurt, angry and confused. I am sure it was a shock. This doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes him a person with an addiction that he needs to address and find help for.

Read up on compulsive gambling and what it means. Read the posts here, and you will get a better idea what challenges we face with this addiction. Your partner needs to stop for himself and he needs to put his entire being into his recovery. It is possible to get beyond this, but it does take work. It doesn't happen over night.

Please take care of you!!

Thanks these posts are really helpful. I am just trying to focus on me for now and learn as much as I can about his problem.

I think the hardest thing is I won't ever trust him again, if this was the first time I think I could but he got into money trouble twice before and promised me he would come to me next time so we could figure a solution out together. But he has done exactly the same thing, I don't see how you could rebuild trust that has been so broken. I just feel so sad that he chose that option over talking to me, perhaps he doesn't trust e either :(

Overcoming an addiction rarely works the first time. For most of us, it has taken multiple times trying to quit before we have hit a hard enough bottom to make us want to do everything we can to quit. There could be many reasons why he didn't come to you.

Trust can be rebuilt, but only if the person with the addiction is transparent and willing to do everything they can to quit, which may mean he spends less time with you, and more time at meetings, etc. trying to recover from his addiction. You will have to be prepared for that.

If he isn't being transparent, allowing you to control the money, going to meetings, getting a sponsor, going to counselling, getting on meds if necessary, coming here for support, etc; then I would say he isn't serious, and could very well go back to gambling. Even with doing this, some of us have fallen, but most of us have gotten back up to go at it again. Whatever it takes for him to get better, but it has to be for himself, or it will never work. Good luck and take care of you!

I agree with all the post that say the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself and not get lost in his addiction. Attend meetings and the problem and your path dealing with his addiction will become abundantly clear.

Thank you all so much, it is so helpful to hear from people with experience of this. I am just not entirely sure how to take care of myself, I don't know if I can stay with him or trust him again and I keep swinging between just wanting him to leave me be and feeling compassionate and supportive. He seems to be taking it seriously and has handed me his bank card, agreed to a budget and starts counselling tonight.

I am just so scared of what it would do to me if he lied again, about gambling or anything else. I feel at a crossroads. I want to be strong enough to just observe how he deals with this and then make a decision but every moment feels like a year I am in so much pain. How can I make my pain stop so I can cope?

I am not sure that the pain can go away completely. Are you in pain because you are angry or are you fearful, or both? You need to figure that out. Only you can decide if you should stay or go. The best way I know of helping the pain is by going to a GamAnon meeting, or another 12 step meeting and finding a counselor for yourself. Please read up on addictions so you understand a little bit more about what is going on with your partner.

I may not be reading this right, but it sounds like you feel like he purposely betrayed you. He has an addiction that is running his life right now, which makes it very difficult for him to think clearly. Has he lied to you?, absolutely. All addicts lie so that they can cover up their addiction and continue with it. We don't want to, it is just that the addiction is bigger than us. It doesn't make us bad people, just sick people. I am glad to hear he is getting help,

Thanks for your reply new55, the pain certainly isn't anger anymore. It's more sadness, exhaustion, disappointment and just feeling let down. I don't know if that's good or bad?! I just feel sad really.

I have been doing some reading and that has certainly helped so thank you for that suggestion, I will continue to try to grow through knowledge.

I guess I know deep down he didn't mean to betray me and for him there was more to this then a simple lie. However I think that I find myself feeling that way because he has lied before to protect himself. It seems to be something he does and it drives me mad. I am on his side no matter what and yet he lies to avoid arguments. I can see why he does it, I just wish he didn't.

We have decided to do some couples counselling to try to explore how this has affected us, build trust and facilitate some useful communication. I really hope it helps!

Hi Sallysnewlife, thank you for your story. It sounds like you have made a very difficult but brave decision. You are clearly a very strong person and I am sure in the long term you will be rewarded for your strength. I really admire you!

I will certainly take a look at CoDa.

My partner is still seeming to want to make a change, but I still don't think he realises the enormity of his lying and how it has affected my life. He is unwilling to face any real consequences, he doesn't seem to get that its up to him to make this right and that if he wants me to commit to him (before this we were talking of getting married fairly soon) then he will have to show he is someone I can trust.

For example, he is going on holiday with some friends at the end of the month. I feel that given the cost of this and how much money he has wasted it is a reasonable consequence that he shouldn't go. However I understand I cant dictate to this and instead suggested he take half the spends he had planned to as a compromise. And he threw his toys out the pram like a child! I am pretty certain this is not a relationship I want anymore, it is like living with a teenager.

I am trying to tap into some of your strength Sallynewlife, I don't want to be his mother and I know I can be happier than this. I just have to stick to my decision no!

Getting help to talk out your feelings is the best thing you and he can do. GA and GAM-Anon are designed for that. Private counseling helps too.
For me, my addiction(s) all had/have the same roots - abusive childhood coupled with desperate attempts to run away from my feelings. My feelings were too overwhelming and painful for me. The only coping mechanism I learned in my dysfunctional family was to fight or flee. I would usually choose to run away. Geographically running away, mentally and emotionally running away. Those childhood defense mechanisms don't work so well for adults.
The addict (no matter the addiction) in order to get well, must want to stop the behavior. And must desire to change with their whole heart.
I have have had several relapses - each more devastating than the last. In the past I wanted the counselor(s) to use the "magic wand" method to make me a social gambler again. This time I wanted to be free of this addiction so bad, that I was willing to do whatever it would take to stop the insanity. I continue to do whatever it takes to help me keep abstinent, ONE DAY at a time.

Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity.
If you continue to read posts on Daily Strength you will find lots of tips.
If you search this forum for "Tools" you will probably come up with quite a few helpful posts.

Thanks Qwit4good, I really appreciate you sharing your story. I have had a look and already found a bunch of good "tools".

Sallysnewlife, wow! You have just really struck a cord with me. I am so "hyper focused" on him I am letting it destroy me. I have just taken a deep breath and brought my attention and focus back to myself. I am going to do this whenever I find myself focusing on him and not me. I am going to remind myself of this everyday, after all I should be the centre of my own world not him.

THANK YOU!!!

Candyx- I have gone through and continue to go through the same thoughts and feelings. My biggest struggle has always been taking care of myself. I have become so enmeshed in my husbands addiction with the hope of helping him, I have lost who I am. We have tried counseling together, I have encouraged him to go to treatment and/or GA and he always has an excuse of why he quits. He has put us at risk financially and stolen my credit cards from my purse in the middle of the night.

I have felt every emotion and still keep getting stuck in this cycle between us. Good luck to you!

Hi Autismmom, thank you for your post. It's great to know I am not alone in how I am feeling and to hear from someone who has found the strength to keep going despite the on-going difficulties.

I wish you the best of luck with it! If a stumble across any magical self care methods I will be sure to let you know ..... here's hoping.

Thanks!