Hello friends - been a while since I posted. No excuses, just busy with life and many other things and haven't had much time to post or read. Tomorrow will be one year since I've gambled. I wrote a letter and hope you all don't mind if I share:

Hello, my name is Jason, and I’m a compulsive gambler.

I’ve uttered these words at least once a week, sometimes more for the last year. Today, October 11^th, 2018 marks one year since I’ve gambled.

The thought of going a few days without gambling once seemed impossible. I knew I had a problem long ago. I’ve been a problem gambler my entire adult life. I just never did anything about it.

While today is a milestone on the road to recovery, the wounds I created over time still hurt. I can still hear my wife’s voice when I was “busted,” by her. My rock bottom day. I had done it again. All the hiding and manipulating came to the surface and there was no running away this time. This wasn’t her first time dealing with this. She told me that deep down she knew something was going on. She was right, her intuition is most always right. Shoot, six months after we got married I was putting her through gambling hell. But I swore, “it’s not a problem, I’ll get help, I’m better than this.” Blah blah blah.

I wasn’t better than this. I never got help. I never tried to recover. I never did anything.

However, this time was different. A year ago I had a 13 month old son, right on the cusp of achieving so many amazing milestones in his short life. I also had a wife who found out her mother, her trusted confidant and best friend, had cancer that could possibly be terminal. Now, she’s got a husband whose pissed away most everything, she didn’t know if we had money to pay the bills, she was still adjusting to being a full time stay at home Mom, and her mother was ill. This is too much for one person to handle. I was never suicidal, but I can see how one could be. Why would she ever have any desire to stick around? She could do so much better and I couldn’t be doing any worse. I’m so grateful that when I was at my worst as a person she was at her best. It would have been easy for her to say F-it. Put our son in the car, pack up, and get the hell away from me. It brings me to tears to think that was a possibility – all because I needed to gamble.

So on October 11^th, 2017 I made a vow to my wife and son. I swore I would do everything in my power to fix myself. I’m a good man, good husband, good person, I just have a terrible addiction. I swore I would never gamble again, and this time I meant it. So I went to my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I went to one on one therapy. I got a sponsor. I cut most all ties to gambling and any form of gambling. I shut down social media accounts. I stopped visiting gambling websites. I started reading about this addiction. I found an online message board for those struggling with gambling addiction (here). I started meditating. I found new hobbies. I watched movies. All of a sudden, I found a life without gambling. I began to retraining my brain to not need gambling. I embraced recovery and got to see what life was without this horrible demon.

I’ve learned so much over the last year. I expected to have some withdrawals from gambling. My god, it was something I did almost daily for 16 years. But I didn’t have any. Not once. I realize what is at stake if I slip up and fall back into this world. I refuse to risk living a life where my wife and son are not in it. That’s something that would kill me. I also realize I don’t gamble like most people. I have a problem.

I’ve used advice I read on many different occasions. If I feel an urge to gamble, which really isn’t an urge but if my brain allows me to think that it’s okay to gamble I simply “play the tape.” From start to finish. And by the end, I realize 1.) how ridiculous this is and 2.) what gambling made me feel. By the end, I’m usually laughing at myself and on to something else.

Today is a special day, but just another in the journey. I’m proud of what I’ve done over the last year but also recognize that being complacent is a dangerous game. There is still much to learn and so much damage to fix. The financial struggles that we have as a result of my actions hurt me the most. My wife and son don’t deserve this. I’m optimistic that in time though things will most certainly get better, I just wish it was faster. In my head I still have a little bit of a gamblers mentality. I say to myself “get me back to even.” But now it’s a different motivation. Get me back to even so I can prove how far I’ve come. So I can show my family that this problem is a thing of the past. That I’m a responsible adult capable of taking care of his family. In life though, there is no bail out. I have to own my problems. I try to just be the best I can, one day at a time. That’s all I can do. In time, I’ll fix this, I have no doubt about that.

My journey in GA has been a very private. The only people I’ve confided in my personal life are my wife and a few select friends. My family doesn’t know, nor do I think I’ll ever share this with them. I’m okay with that though. This is my journey, not theirs.

I’m not looking for praise. I write this to hopefully let others know that if you’re struggling with addiction, whether it’s gambling or otherwise, there is help. Do not allow yourself to suffer. I did it for far too long. We get one opportunity in this life, and spending it being burdened by addictive behavior is no way to live. There is help.

A year never seemed possible, but today it is. Wishing all of you the very, very best.