dear darling,
I too just sold my car, $15K, two weeks ago. Gone to gambling.
I knew I had made my mind up after 10 years and getting to the last straw sort of speaking, that I just knew I wouldn't screw this up once again. I am not working and trying to sell my home to downsize and pay cash with the equity I have and relocate to where my family and friends live about 150 miles away. I can totally feel your pain in the "why why why" only I might add about 10000 more. I just know that I am no longer going to rely upon my own integrity or strength or supposed determination as they have failed me umpteen times. I am going to do counseling, which i am getting for free from the gambling ass., I am going to local meetings, even though I've tried before and not felt a connection with them, I am reading about addiction voriferously as I have done before, only this time taking notes and posting them everywhere that I and only I can see them. I do live alone so after all this time I have decided to dribble the story to my mom who is 86 and not healthy just to get her onboard. I only told her this last two years I have been having trouble and not even come close to telling her any amounts that I have lost. You see i don't want to cause her such pain in her old age but also didn't want to hear it from her. By telling her a little bit of what has been going on she is now "badgering" me quite a bit about if I am going and NOW I can appreciate it. I can know that all along I needed the personal responsibilty to someone to keep my nose clean and out of the casinos. We hadn't had the best relationship growing up and I always wanted to look good in her eyes and really didn't want to hear the criticism but find that just a little truth can help me to get the attention from someone to monitor my behavior and I think give me help in stopping this God awful addiction.
the MINDFULNESS book about addiction is great and I've read many over the last eight or so years trying to get a grip on this "thing". It explicitly states that we are trying to gain a feeling, get rid of a feeling or escape but by doing it this way we are only excaerbating awfulness. I know that I am emotionally immature, have been most of my life but still able to own and operate a business, which by the way paid for my gambling in a big way. I know that I must do the couseling, the meeetings, the reading and the responsibility to someone who knows. I must keep out of the casinos and not associate with gamblers. I must look for new ways to connect to others and the world and new ways to feel I belong. The book says we have two needs as humans- one to feel personally self assured and the other to belong.
I have isolated myself because of the addiction and in so doing excaerbated the addition itself. Fed right into the hands of the big money gobbler the slot machine.
I have not told anyone and so there was no one to monitor my spending and bad habit.
I am too, after hundreds of thousands of dollars and bad health decisions, I smoke when I AM soooo tired of it all and with this arsenal of defense strategies going to make this last attempt at quitting this what should be illegal robbery of my time and money.
I do wish you the best this is my first and not last response and posting on this or any other gambling addiction site. I plan to use it as well daily and with all the other aforementioned weapons, yes WEAPONS to destroy this hideous monster and get it out of my life for good. i want to live. I have had thoughts of ending it at times because the remorse and guilt and shame was so bad but I didn't feel this way before when I was Acing college or building a business or visiting friends and family so I cannot let these gambling joints take what is rightfully mine. I feel my personal responsibility is recognize that I have a gambling addiction and not frequent the places where I could get in trouble. After all if we know that drugs are sold at a drughouse and we don't want to get involved we don't go there. If we know that a certain neighborhood is frought with crime we don't drive our new auto there and get out and walk around in a fur coat and diamonds. We can be cautious when need be so I want to put up the big Yellow warning signs and stay out of harms way.
God bless you,
this feels good and hopefully I have helped someone anyone and especially myself.

Hello Darling
where are you??
You sent me a friend thing.
Just new to this yesterday.
I think we should keep "tabs" on each other.
I can so relate to you although I do not have kids.
Maybe I can borrow yours if I need??
just kidding.
Come on lets be each others Casinos Stink buddies.
I am concerned about you and I am here for you.
This is my start and your in it.
Pam

I see you posted on Jan 2, 5:00 am.
That's just what I did.
Didn't want to be alone on New Years.
Well no other party, no man, no drunken binge would've cost me what that night did.
This is horrible beyond belief and I have some debt, about $70K piling up that I don't plan on paying til this spring.
I have had great credit, like 780 credit score all my life and now I am going to blow it because... you guessed.
But maybe right now not being able to get to the money is a good thing.
Because maybe, just maybe, after ten long years this is the wake up call.
I am by no means destitute but things will be very tight for a while.
Sometime I will have to tell you some of the ingenious ways that I have used to get money to gamble.
Maybe now I can use my smarts to have a life.
sorry, for the long messages,
just started yesterday and i feel a connect with you and want to know if you would again, like to email daily to keep tabs on each other.
sincerely,
P

Hi Pam,
I'm here. And i appreciate your comment / story a LOT and your concern. I'm okay. After a sleepless night losing a lot of money that wasn't mine and finally catching up on some sleep last night, the reality of my behavior is really sinking in. Everyone says 'oh its not the end of the world, it'll be okay'. Yeah, it will be, but as your reply clearly showed, its really all relative to each individual situation, isn't it ? There are MANY words in your comment that I can relate to. I did learn something from this mistake though. I canNOT be trusted with cash money. I knew this already, but I see everything more clearly with each mistake I make. I wish you a peaceful, relaxing gamble free weekend. Thanks. DD

Thanks Darling,
I haven't been one week gamble free for about a year and a half.
I just feel differently now.
I was deressed about a divorce, I walked out on a very short marriage two years ago and was questioning my choice. But now I can see that I was probably right and that using this stupid avenue to numb the pain and also, I feel, to just try to destroy myself for whatever reason, I can't take this kind of life anymore. Like you say
over and over the regret, the sleepless nights, the smoking. I don't smoke at home or in my new car but at the casino at least 1/2 pack an hour.
God bless lets keep in touch hey.
We can be each others check in buddies.
and then one day years from now with all the money we have saved we can meet in another state or country and have a toast.
Kidding.
lots of best luck and good wishes.
P