You answered your own question Chrissie, Who could possibly have any self esteem after what we have engaged in. Me included. But getting into recovery will restore your self esteem slowly but surely. I hope you do. Jon

Wow! We have so much similarities! I went through exact same process and I think my goal was just to make myself to feel like a piece of sh.. One GA member told me: Vicky, remember, every time when you use money for gambling, you basically paying for the feeling like a piece of sh.. I didn't like that GA member, even though he is very active in Ga for over 20 years, but its because at that time I didn't embrace principals before personalities rule. So, I didn't pay attention to his words. And now I see, he was exactly right.
I honestly had a very bad issues with self-esteem, even though my first counselor told me she would never guess it from my intial interview with her. I learned how to mask it. But you can pretend only for so long. I don't want to pretend anymore. Not even a minute. Because that very minute I'll end up blowing all my values away.
Whatever you are going through right now takes time and patience.
You set yourself a goal to visit/or pay for 3 places, summorizing it and comparing it to your loses! What is the great way to make you feel better about yourself! Don't set yourself for failure by comparing and placing your past in today, because there is no today, if Past is so big, it takes all the space away. Set yourself small goals. Because, right now you are a wounded child and need to take a baby steps.
I strongly believe self-esteem and self-respect issue come from childhood. It comes from void, from inability to find validation (in certain situation or certain person in your life). In this case, counseling is a very good tool.
I hope you will give yourself a chance to breath and be free of gambling at least today. One day at a time.
You deserved to be treated better, to be loved! You deserve better life!
Hugs, Vicky

Hi chrissyd55,

I am so much like you...today I had a horrible day. I had extra money for this weekend and there were few things I wanted to do. Instead, I gambled it all away. I feel so terrible about myself. And I see a reflection of myself in your post. I am so glad I joined this group today, because everybody on here has a story and the stories I am reading are helping me understand myself better. I am making a decision to change. I know it won't be easy, but we have to try and we have to hope that we will be stronger than our urge to gamble. And you are strong and you have hope for yourself and you showed us that by writing this post. You will get through this!

Hi Christie
I do not think it has a lot to do with self esteem or self respect. This is a crippling disease that takes good people and destroys them. The power of this disease is soo strong that it has the ability to take control of our lives!!!! I think the only way to stop it is to NOT give it power.....and the only way to do that is not to go into a Casino. ( wish I had this insight a few days ago!) I wish you the best! But do not be so hard on you.... Gambling is the beast you want slain.....rs

I have the exact same problem. A few weeks ago when I got paid the only thing I bought was stuff for the house. I didnt pay my cell phone or get my pass for the bus. Then I turn around and and cash in my rent check and lost that. I panicked and pawned everything in my house and lost that. I had too break down and call my mom who I hadnt spoke too in years. Shes helped me with somethings. But the money she srnt for me too take care of something I lost at the casino. I actually won money but didnt take it out like I was suppose too. All I can think about is what I could have down with that money. The money would have put me very head things. Now I gotta pawn a tv too put food in the house and have money too get too woek I am trying toofigure out how we can stop this addiction that is tuining our lives.