Im moving this weekend. Its a new beginning again.

Just around 3 years ago, I was near death. I was actually planning my suicide so that it would look like an accident so that my family could collect life insurance to help pay off all of the debt I had accrued because of gambling. I wouldnt write any plans in the journal on my computer in case there was some kind of investigation after my death. I had to keep all of the plans inside of my head. It was a very, very dark time. I was presenting myself to the world as just a little stressed, maybe a little sad too - but fine mostly. Sitting at a slot machine was the only way I could find any relief from all of the pain that sitting in front of a slot machine was causing me. I was so mixed up in my head.

I had a mountain size load of secrets I was carrying around all by myself solely because I was so ashamed of the things I had done because of my addiction. I could not imagine telling another soul my secrets. I thought I would rather die. But then I couldnt do it. My nephew died of a drug overdose and the sound of my moms pain (she had raised him) on the phone was almost unbearable to me. How could I kill myself knowing it would kill her too?

So up to that point I only had one plan to stop gambling and that was suicide. When I couldnt go through with that, I had to try to find some other way. I found the last little bit of strength I had in me and called an addiction therapist for an appointment. I was physically ill just making that call.

My pride almost killed me! That and a huge amount of fear that I couldn't actually stop gambling now matter how hard I tried.

Ive been in recovery for 3 years now. The time has flown by. It took me about 3 months of therapy to actually even give not going to the casino a try. I truly dont think I was capable of stopping cold turkey. I had many stops and starts but through it all, I never quit trying to make my life better. I have been on a self-improvement journey, still am.

I created close to a half a million dollars of debt over my 10 year gambling career, besides spending at least that much of my retirement money, my salary, my investments.. everything I had. Can you even imagine the fear and shame I had about asking a lawyer to help me dig out of my debt problems? I did it though twice. The first attorney was not helpful. The second one has been as valuable to me as my therapist. He is kind, funny, straight forward, non-judgmental and somehow managed to not even act surprised when I laid it all for him the first time. He just started trying to help me solve my financial problems right away. There are good people out there that want to help.

Im moving this weekend. The beautiful country home I bought for my family before I started gambling is a casualty of my addiction. I will be filing for bankruptcy this year. Its been in the works for a long time now and Ill be glad to finally get the last chapter of my financial recovery started. I have very few possessions and will be living in a small, modest home that I lease. I look forward to the change.

Despite losing my home and all of my money, I am happy today and that is only possible because I quit gambling. I am hopeful for my future. I am grateful for the things that I do have in my life. I feel emotionally balanced. I feel a deeper connection with people in my life. I feel a deeper connection with myself. I feel I am in control of my life.

I write this long story here as a testament to the fact that a person can stop gambling and turn their life around. No matter how bleak your situation is, there is hope. You can feel happy again. You can be a better person. Find a way to save yourself. Take that first terrifying step, and then each next terrifying step will get a little less scary. Let go of your pride if it's a problem for you. Find people that can support you and ask for their help. You dont have to be strong. Just start with the easiest thing and keep going always keep going, not matter what happens.