Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group

Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...

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J1144
J1144

Hi:


Can someone please help me here? At which point do I need to be concerned about my husband's secretive visits to the casinos? To make a long story short, he has been diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety, and narcissitic disorders over the past 10 years. He sees a psychiatrists on himself for medication to control his violent temper. I first found out about his casino visits in 2018, when he was living in a Motel 6 for a few months. He has a 30+ yr long pattern of running away (or cutting coneection) from home, as a way to manipulate/punish/control me (as I see it). Over the past years, on the days he did not run away from home, I found out that he would visit the casinos during lunch break, after work, or on weekends. He blatantly denied the fact when challenged by a psychologist/marriage counselor. However, I know he would stop by caisno before coming home on work days, he would drop off child at weekend activity and told me he would sleep in the car to wait but went to the casino, and today, he left work at 2:40pm and went straight to a nearby casino. He is still there now. It is about 2-4 visits a month in the past several months. I do not know how much he wins or loses.


I try to stay in this marriage for many reasons. But I am really afraid of the gambling part. My attorny told me to file for separation so I can ask to freeze our assests before he loses it all. But, I would not want to do it unless I must. Can someone please tell me, at which point is the dangerous point?

J1144
J1144
By the way, he does not think his casino visits is anything bad, ie, he does not think he is a gambler, nor addictive gambler. He thinks this is a way of relax.
Qwit4Good
Qwit4Good
Do you have access to money? Do you know the state of your finances? How do you know he goes there?
If you have your own money it would be a good idea to at least have it in a separate account with only your name on it. If he is spending only 2 visits that seems to coincide with paychecks. If it is once per week that seems to be getting a little too frequent. It is unlikely that he wins all the time, so where is the money coming from? I would want to know if he is draining an asset that I had an interest in. If assets are in both your names, (IRAs, houses, bank accounts, bonds, stocks) then you have a right to know and should be able to easily check to see if they are diminished or you suddenly have a second mortgage. Have you checked your credit score lately? (Credit Karma won't affect your credit and it's free.)
If he does not think there is anything wrong with the visits why are they secretive?
J1144
J1144
Thank you, Qwit4Good, for your prompt support. I know, thanks to the modern technology. My name is on the house and checking account and 401K (I hope). I have been a stay home Mom for the past 20 years, and have a small amount of money that I keep privately. The rest is all under his control. The areas that I can check, he knows, are all looking normal. He has a lot of company stocks under his name that I do not have control of, nor do I know how much exactly does he have. The slightest confrontation will triger him to throw the most violent tantrums and immediate visit to the casino. Can you please tell me, at which point does it become financially dangerous? My only defense right now, is to monitor the situation and file for seperation to protect our assets.
blkjcklady
blkjcklady
It can happen at any point. People lose thousands per day. I have lost thousands in a day..... I know people who have lost $10,000+ in a night and some who have lost close to $1 million in a year. What are you able to/comfortable with losing? If the answer is not a lot, then it is financially dangerous.

Gambling can go really badly very fast.... One minute you have a lot of money and the next moment you need to file bankruptcy..... There is no way to sugar coat this one.

Good luck.....
Qwit4Good
Qwit4Good
It is financially dangerous to have your money hooked up with someone that not only gambles but "runs away from home" and is triggered to violent tantrums. It sounds like he is a child instead of an adult, at any rate, he is not acting like an adult. That is my opinion, I am not a professional of any kind, and I do not have to live in your shoes. I would go for the separation, but you are the one who must live with what ever decision you settle on.
J1144
J1144
Thank you, blkjcklady and Qwit4Good, you have provided "hard" answers for me. The numbers mentioned by blkjcklady are frightening...May I please ask, from your recovery experience, at this point, if I should try anything, what could be the most helpful to "darn on him" that he needs to stop this dangerous behavior. I imagine he thinks he has everything under control and refuses to admit or accept the danger/risk.
Qwit4Good
Qwit4Good
My experience has been that people will not give up their addictions until they are ready to choose to do so. You might try gently confronting him with the losses that are not monetary, which are things like the loss of a loving Valentine's day with his wife, the time he robs from his family to gamble, the time he could be improving himself by reading, taking a class, going to therapy is spent on gambling. I suspect he has lost some of your trust, some of his own self confidence, self-esteem, most of his friends and all of his other hobbies.
blkjcklady
blkjcklady
He has to come to this realization himself... I have heard some horror stories in GA from husbands who lost all of the family money, 401K, college savings, house in foreclosure, etc. I wouldn't know what to do if someone else was doing this to me or my family....

I am single/no kids, so I had to get control of this for myself. I am still working on it.... But, I finally just got sick of losing so much money, time from work, time from life..... It takes a long time for most addicted gamblers to stop. I still think about going back but I honestly won't live long enough to break even at this point. It is not worth it....

You may want to go to a GAM-ANON meeting for spouses, family, and friends of addicted gamblers. Here is the site, you might be able to find a meeting in your area:

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/content/gam-anon-help-family-friends
J1144
J1144
Qwit4Good, your thoughts are definitely inspiring, especially the part about lost trust and self-esteem. blkjcklady, thank you for letting me "see" the real picture that I have been so afraid to see. I will find a GAM-ANON group to start with. Thank you for the link. To both, I admire your determination to fight such an uneasy battle. I have had to deal with addictions to caffeine, junk foods, soap operas...I think it was not until I wholeheartedly believed that these were bad influences to my health/life, that I began to conquer the addictions. Thank you for being here for me.
J1144
J1144
blkjcklady, thank you again, I went to a GA open meeting this evening. Extremely educational. I am learning so much about this problem and hoping that I can figure out a way to deal with it soon.