Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
Day 61, last night I found myself smiling, and feeling "happy" which is odd for me, to really FEEL happy. I laugh harder, I smile more, I feel a change coming over me. This last week or so I have been happier than I have been in a very long time.
My mom and I went for a 3 mile walk last night, and talked about my recovery, she celebrated my 60 days with pure joy. She reminded me of the time she went looking for me, while I was out on one of my weekend binges, I remember she walked into the casino, I was at a poker table, and I didn't move, she came up behind me, and asked me how I was doing, and I said, fine. She didn't pull me away from the table, she didn't judge me, she said she loved me and walked away. She told me that when she saw me there, she was shocked at how different I was, she said I looked like I was in a trance, that I was a totally different person. Keep in mind, I had been there for 2 days straight, no food or sleep, and I was a mess. She never yelled at me, she never threatened to stop loving me, but she lived in fear, because during my active addiction, I was spinning out of control.
The trance, the place I would go to when I stepped into a casino, I would get so excited when I walked in, at the anticipation of playing. I wouldn't leave, for days, my excuse was, I didn't want to drive at night, it was too dangerous ? The walk to the ATM or the cage to use my credit card, so many times. The last time I went, I started to place bets at different card tables, sometimes playing two spots on the table, and I didn't care if I won or not, I just didn't want to leave. Strange how my addictive mind works. The chips were not money, they were chips. I took so much out my bank put a hold on my account, when I tried to take more cash out, I couldn't. I went outside, the sun was out, which was odd for me, and I called my bank and yelled at them, I told them to remove the block immediately, and how dare they put a hold on my CASH. Of course, they removed the block, and I left the outside sun light and went back into the dark casino. I was disgusting, no shower, no food, a junkie trying to get more money, that is what I was.
Today, I don't beat myself up, I actually want to hug myself, and tell myself, its okay, I got you, I got you.
xoxoxox
My mom and I went for a 3 mile walk last night, and talked about my recovery, she celebrated my 60 days with pure joy. She reminded me of the time she went looking for me, while I was out on one of my weekend binges, I remember she walked into the casino, I was at a poker table, and I didn't move, she came up behind me, and asked me how I was doing, and I said, fine. She didn't pull me away from the table, she didn't judge me, she said she loved me and walked away. She told me that when she saw me there, she was shocked at how different I was, she said I looked like I was in a trance, that I was a totally different person. Keep in mind, I had been there for 2 days straight, no food or sleep, and I was a mess. She never yelled at me, she never threatened to stop loving me, but she lived in fear, because during my active addiction, I was spinning out of control.
The trance, the place I would go to when I stepped into a casino, I would get so excited when I walked in, at the anticipation of playing. I wouldn't leave, for days, my excuse was, I didn't want to drive at night, it was too dangerous ? The walk to the ATM or the cage to use my credit card, so many times. The last time I went, I started to place bets at different card tables, sometimes playing two spots on the table, and I didn't care if I won or not, I just didn't want to leave. Strange how my addictive mind works. The chips were not money, they were chips. I took so much out my bank put a hold on my account, when I tried to take more cash out, I couldn't. I went outside, the sun was out, which was odd for me, and I called my bank and yelled at them, I told them to remove the block immediately, and how dare they put a hold on my CASH. Of course, they removed the block, and I left the outside sun light and went back into the dark casino. I was disgusting, no shower, no food, a junkie trying to get more money, that is what I was.
Today, I don't beat myself up, I actually want to hug myself, and tell myself, its okay, I got you, I got you.
xoxoxox
i dont think i knew when i left the casino, i knew when a wave hit me later on in the week, a voice said "what the hell are you doing"? "you have to stop" like i was bleeding bleeding, and the bandaid was so tiny...yuck.....
it reminds me so much of my gambling days. Accept it was my husband did exactly that. He always asked me why I just stared at him as I did. Why I look like I was mad at him? it happened so many times.
I remember that same glaring sun on my face while I was calling the credit card company. So similar, so scary to think we are so out of our mind in the throw of gambling.
Hug yourself! Lough as loud as you can. Enjoy your journey!
It's priceless!
Love,
Victoria
i punched my windshield once on the way home, i had to get it replaced, and i hate to tell this but, someone at the casino jumped from the the inside 2nd floor, right down to the bottom lobby and died, the casino released a press release "the viction was winning, so were not sure what happened" WTF??? sad to say i still went back, i didnt see the jump, but it didnt matter.
my mind started to hurt, my brain, my head, my thoughts, hurt, actually hurt me by staring at the machine and counting and hoping and being let down over and over, its was soo painful.
thanks everyone for sharing
This is what other people can't understand. Whether you go to GA or not, there are concepts that any CG can relate to. The feeling of powerlessness.
-That you, -honest to God, -cannot conceive of being able to not place another bet. Just as you have written above. The act of gambling has become the goal. Not winning. Just being able to keep on gambling. At whatever the cost may be. Usually our soul.
You said "Strange how the addictive mind works". Well, I would hazard to say, the mind stops working. As you say -you go into a trance-like state. We are on auto-pilot. Just settling in for our "fix".
The great thing is -you CAN be happy again! Day by day, one day at a time. \
Great post. Have a wonderful gamble-free weekend. Love and hugs, ~E
and we all know that counting days does not mean we are 'fixed', but for me, it means I'm trying to stay out of there. enjoy the rest of your day, everyone
So yesterday a newcomer to the ladies meeting was on her 4th day and she didn't speak, but she told me she was going to put an X on every day she didn't gamble. I think this is a great idea and I honestly believe this works for a lot of folks to measure their progress, but for me, I don't count until I go to my meetings and have to state how many sober days I have. Then I drag out my calendar and count. :-) It is weird how each person is different, but it works for me. Some people needs sponsors and some don't - I am not to that point yet either. But I like that you could look at the calendar and see all the X's. Pretty cool!