Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
The fog is starting to lift, a little bit. I am not thinking of, the drive in the direction to the casino, Saturday, as I was out looking at properties, and on my way home, I veered towards the freeway that took me to the casino, without much thought, other than, I was going. I ended up staying for two days, losing all of my money, and self respect. I came home to text messages and emails from my mom and my brother, who proceeded to tell me what a terrible person I was, calling me an old hag, selfish, a junkie, and told me to go back to the casino and die. My sister and my daughter, although disappointed, have stood by me, with love. That combined with the relapse was just about more than I could emotionally withstand.
So, I am trying to put the emotions aside, the drama of the aftermath. Deal with the reason I went, what happened? I was doing so well, and then it just "clicked." I know this addiction is powerful, but I thought I had the safeguards in place, I know I want to be in recovery, I know I don't want to do this anymore. The day prior, my roommate had asked me to play cards with him, and I did, I didn't play for money, but I did play with him, I do believe it was a trigger, I had somehow convinced myself it was okay? I don't remember the timeline, I know I drove to one casino, and stayed for a day and a half, I came home, changed my clothes and drove to two other casinos, and finally left to go home early Monday morning. Its a blur, I know this takes me to a different place, and when I say I was in a trance, that is true, its a trance, I lose myself, I have no concept for time, people, responsibility, nothing.
I'm a grown woman, I don't live with my family members, I have my own home, but, they have a huge impact on me, when I was called the names I was called, I was beyond hurt, I wanted to scream and say, I am an ADDICT. This is not by choice, but the other part of me felt I deserved it, so I allowed it to happen, until late yesterday when I decided to block the calls and messages, I just can't handle it right now, as selfish as it sounds.
I'm sad, I'm heart broken, and I'm tired. But, my relapse is just that, a relapse, I am back in recovery, with a lot of work ahead of me, emotionally and financially.
I am starting over with a new recovery date, today is day 3.
So, I am trying to put the emotions aside, the drama of the aftermath. Deal with the reason I went, what happened? I was doing so well, and then it just "clicked." I know this addiction is powerful, but I thought I had the safeguards in place, I know I want to be in recovery, I know I don't want to do this anymore. The day prior, my roommate had asked me to play cards with him, and I did, I didn't play for money, but I did play with him, I do believe it was a trigger, I had somehow convinced myself it was okay? I don't remember the timeline, I know I drove to one casino, and stayed for a day and a half, I came home, changed my clothes and drove to two other casinos, and finally left to go home early Monday morning. Its a blur, I know this takes me to a different place, and when I say I was in a trance, that is true, its a trance, I lose myself, I have no concept for time, people, responsibility, nothing.
I'm a grown woman, I don't live with my family members, I have my own home, but, they have a huge impact on me, when I was called the names I was called, I was beyond hurt, I wanted to scream and say, I am an ADDICT. This is not by choice, but the other part of me felt I deserved it, so I allowed it to happen, until late yesterday when I decided to block the calls and messages, I just can't handle it right now, as selfish as it sounds.
I'm sad, I'm heart broken, and I'm tired. But, my relapse is just that, a relapse, I am back in recovery, with a lot of work ahead of me, emotionally and financially.
I am starting over with a new recovery date, today is day 3.
xxooo
it's just their frustration talking out loud.
however, you already know what to do, and we know you will do it and more. forgive yourself, and start a new beginning. I am proud of the progress you've already made. you are an inspiration: first with your daily inspirational posts, and next: with your honesty.
hang in there one day at a time.
I am so sorry to hear about your relapse, and more sorry about the painful reaction from your family. As Stop said - that was just their frustration talking. If they didn't love you, they would care enough to get angry.
All is not lost. This may be day 3 of your new recovery, but this doesn't mean all the work you put in is lost. It was a stumble off of your path, but you had the strength and courage to come here and announce that your feet are back on the right path.
There was a story on the news today about a mom who left her 9 year old in the car of the casino parking lot (the casino I used to go to). When they asked her (after she was arrested) why she did it, she said that she had $10 in free play she wanted to claim. As bad as this is, I understood - she's addicted. It drives us to do things we would never ever do otherwise. I'm sure this woman is aware that security is always patrolling the lot and there are cameras EVERYWHERE. But I'm sure none of that reasoning was able to penetrate the fog we find ourselves in when we are gambling. It's powerful stuff.
Don't beat yourself up too bad. It can happen to any one of us - your response to it is what really matters.
But it does not define you or any of the rest of us. You are not selfish, terrible, or any of those other things you were called by your mother and brother. In fact, I think the exact opposite of you. You are kind and caring and have generously and consistently provided support and encouragement to each and everyone of us on this site.
You have beaten yourself up enough about this. It is time to forgive yourself and to heal. Learn what you can about what triggered you this time and tighten your safeguards.
Remember that you are among friends and that you will always find support and encouragement here. Just reach out. We're here for you.
Playing poker or watching it on TV is a trigger for me.
It's not selfish to refuse to be treated like trash. No one deserves that. We are all humans.... we all make mistakes.... we all do things we regret. Those that judge us from their mountain top are up there all alone - how lonely? I'd rather be down here with the folks who are struggling to live a good life, each and every day.
Hold your head up Leap. You made a mistake while in the middle of trying to make some really great changes. It's okay - just keep going.
Here's a big old hug from me.
All you can do is pick up and move forward. Don't let the pain and hurt of relapsing and what was said stop you from being free.
Put your Recovery above all. Its a selfish process. God will help you, if you will let him to do so.
Love.