Today is my first day too. I spent about the same amount of $$$ and felt everything that you are feeling. I have tried to stop on my own so many times. I have finally realized that I can't do it on my own. Step one was joining this site. By reading your post, I realize that I am not alone.

Step 2 is working up the nerve to go to a GA meeting. I wish you the best of luck!

I remember that couple of years of trying to "control" the gambling once I realized I was compulsive. When you don't go as often, you end up playing "harder" when you do go, to make up for the abstinence. Make bigger bets. Stay longer because you know you can't return again for a long time, etc. End up doing just as much financial damage that one time as if you'd gambled weekly.

It has been around 11 months for me and I have to tell you that I still fight urges. Now it's just an urge every month instead of every week. Each month gets a little easier, as the rational mind says "I am a compulsive gambler - I can't have the self-control other people do when I enter a casino and will stay all night and keep going to the ATM machine until I have lost thousands. Therefore, I can't go to the casino, no matter how much fun I think it will be, or how much I miss it." Then I go to the library and get some books, or find the next best favorite things to do. I hope you have a successful next 30 days.

Lesson learnt! I can't tell you how many times that has happen to me. The important thing is to learn from it, pick yourself up and go again which sounds like you are.

Thanks for all of your encouragement. It really helps to know that I am not the only one who has ever been down this road! :)

Hi Hopeful82, You are definitely not alone! It takes undeniable compassion to take care of YOU. It takes self respect to take of YOU. Try to start doing things for YOU, and it will help. Go get a pedicure, buy yourself a book, donate a $1 to a complete stranger, pray, and remember ALWAYS that it is NEVER TO LATE TO BE WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN! Focus on good things and positive things. Feel your head and your heart with the powerful positive tools that you possibly can, and YOU WILL WIN! And this win is much, much better than their definition of WINNING! Know what I mean? xoxoxoxoxo mamabear21

i understand exactly what you are going through today is day one for me to try to stop i know that i have to if i ever want my life to change and to sleep at night again good luck on your journey and i hope that we can be successful in beating this monster together

I'm just as guilty as you. I tried to stop so many time but here I am still under control of my gambling addiction. I was doing well and feeling good about myself from not going to casino for 12 days and finally have money. I had a strong urge Sat. and gave in ended up losing all the money I save $2250. went down to the machine. I'm so stupid.

I'm feeling all the feelings you mentioned, I am so sick of myself.
However, I'm hopeful that I will get better someday.

Because I am crying out to God and I hold on to his word.
In Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble" We can't do this by ourselves but with God's help we can overcome. I'll be praying for you and know that you are not alone.

Hopeful, Thanks for relating your story. How many times did I think I could go back to gamble with limits. For me, I realize that sitting down to gamble and saying I'm going to stop after losing a certain amoung is like jumping from a 10 story building and saying I want to stop on the 8th floor. It ain't going to happen. I've started a blog called www.noeasymony.blogspot.com, which explores the gambling mind. I suggest you check it out, particularly, the post, My Mistress. You'll see how seductive the gambling compulsion is.

I can totally relate too, only I went back and won money, which honestly is even more insidious because then you can justify a positive outcome! It's only a problem if I lose! So sick.

Hang in there...

I lost my whole last paycheck plus overdrew my bank account last week. Miraculously I received a rebate from college that would have covered the overdraft and given me enough money for gas and neccessities until next payday. So guess what I did? Yep, thought I would use up to $100 to win back some of my losses from the last paycheck. But instead I lost all of the rebate too! I hate myself so much right now. Now it's back to begging my mom or someone for gas and cigarette money. What a shame. Will I ever learn? So Hopeful 82, you are not the only one. We have to just keep trying.

Like everybody else, I know how bad you feel for going back, done it again and again myself and keep starting over, but at least we keep trying and thats the important part. Apparently in the grand scheme of things its the trying again part that is the most important to our spiritual progress. So keep on trying eventually we will all make it will each others love and support.