The old saying - just one more time! You have no idea how many times I said that to myself. I guess we are all different and it takes different points in our lifes before we reach a point of no return.

All I can say is the sooner you realize that you should stop the better.

Today I understand I don't have one last time. I don't want to get back on the Merry-Go-Round with my addiction. It is also like stepping in a boxing ring. I get knocked down sometimes in round 1....sometimes in round 6......I'll get back up and try to win only to get knocked out (broke and filled with so much pain). Then on another day I want to get back in the ring -Insanity-- Today I understand there is no one more time. I want to stay out of the ring. Like another person on here always says "I can't stop so I can't win." So true what she says.

We are all unique, yet the same. Your experience is very similar to my experience and the experience of so many others dealing with this addiction. You should not feel bad about coming to this group and talking about what you are going through. I am fairly new to this site, but I find great inspiration in the discussions topics and replies of the people who are in all levels of recovery. I hope you keep coming back to this site, keep posting, and I hope you do go to one of those support group meetings. I am sending you a hug!

you are not a flake for coming here, and it doesn't happen by chance...looking up this website was a choice.....leaving your discussion post was a choice...it wasn't the addiction that made the choice, it was you. We all had to get sick and tired, of being sick and tired. "going back just one more time' for whatever reason, is the demon of this addiction doing it's best to keep you sucked in, convinced that it can get better, only if you will return, just one more time and walk away a winner....the only way to walk away a winner........is to just walk away from gambling....not that easy, but that is the simplest way to put it....Recovery is hard, there are many ups and downs, secret thoughts, not so secret thoughts, but it takes a power greater than ourselves to help us stop the insanity..in the world of addiction, the definition of insanity is 'repeating the same actions over and over again, each time expecting a different result'.....yet the result is always the same.....we end up broke and broken.
This addiction, like drugs and alcohol is a progressive disease...the more you feed it, the bigger and more indestructable it grows. It is most definitely an cause and effect type of situation......feed = grow....
The problem with going back tomorrow, is that we can't stop......winning money, only allows us to play longer, bet more foolishly, and even though we might leave with money, that is a good enough excuse to go back tomorrow......winning money is not, nor will it every be more important than self esteem, self worth, and being able to live life on life's terms. I am in Okla and you can't spit around here without hitting a casino.........but this addiction nearly cost me my life and my family.....those things that had been most near and dear to my heart before this dreaded addiction took hold.....it doesn't have that hold on me any longer, and if takes the very last ounce of fortitude in my body, it never will again.
Like Mike said....'Are you ready?" If you are, we will be right here behind you and beside you all the way.

LMaria ..maybe you feel like a 'Flake'..doesn't mean you are one Okay.
Coming in here looks like the time to 'try to reach out. It may not seem a strong thing to do 'as the urge to Win back the losses is greater feeling.
Alone in it I found I could vassilate between stopping , then when I committed to tell my spouse my time had arrived to stop. As now I had someone to be accountable with. And I gave up all access to legal tender of all types .. credit cards..atm cards , bank accounts. NO MONEY =NO GAMBLING.
And 'yes. I say.. I can't bet , because I can't win ', because I can't stop.. Very simple facts that spell the truth of my powerlessness over gambling.
Glad you are here. A new try at a new beginning that is ''scary for sure. I know 'been there a few times. Now 'it dont hurt anymore since I shut the door on gambling.. (sounds like a done me wrong song.. LOL>>.
Be Well. Sandra gams5.

Thanks all for the thoughtful replies...definitely like the "I can't bet because I can't win because I can't stop". That helps a lot to shut down any rationalizations.

Today I had a very strong urge to go back. Really strong. I did go, but here's the thing that was different....I stayed for just a half hour, lost my first hundred dollars and felt sick to my stomach, literally, and just so tired and disgusted with it all that I left. And in a small way, I felt victorious. Normally I would stay for hours. I was there maybe a half hour at most and thought, "what the f--k am I doing here??? This is just such a waste of time" and walked out. It felt good. I didn't even care that I lost another hundred dollars because I really felt like I didn't ever want to go back. Yay!! I hope this is some progress.

It was so gross in there. Seeing the same people looking haggard and worn, the smokey environment, the sleazy drawings and promotions to keep people there. It just felt HORRID. I felt like I was seeing it with new eyes for some reason and woke up from the bad dream. Why do I like this? I kept thinking of that....

And then I kept thinking of " I can't win at this because I can't stop....if I win money back, it will just never end, I'll come back. No reason to keep this going, I may as well just STOP.

I know I should feel badly for giving in to the urge and going today, but I don't. It was a wake up call to go in there and see it for what it was and walk out. Sort of empowering. I truly do not want to go back now. I hope I can keep that thought going for the long term!!

I came home and threw out my cards and threw out the October free play stuff that came in the mail. I'm done.

:-)

I also just had a talk with my husband and told him that I felt I needed to quit. I also confessed that I have started to not tell him things because I was ashamed...about how long I stay, or about how I went back today when I said I was going shopping. I cannot stand to lie to him and when I saw myself starting to lie to him it really has freaked me out.

There really is no reason to keep this going, it's a dead end. No good can come of continuing. If I win back more money, it will make me just want to go back so I can give it right back again. And it's such a terrible dismal time waster. What is the point???

It took A LOT for me to tell my husband I need to stop going and that I feel out of control with it. He is very supportive and understanding. I have avoided fully admitting to him about my problem because I feared that if I did, all the "fun" would be ruined and the casino would become "the bad thing". Didn't want that to happen. But I feel much better telling him and just admitting that I need help. I just know that it is going to get worse from here....

A couple weeks ago I took out two credit card advances, which I generally never do, so it's progressing...only because I couldn't get past the $500 limit on my atm. That really scared me that I was willing to do that. What's next? I don't want to know because I can't bet because I can't win because I can't stop. So I'm not going back!!!!!!

I know where your coming from LMaria33, I too have gone "just one more time" at least 1000 times now... I'm only a few weeks GF but have been coming to this site and attending GA regurarly, had a very good meeting tonight, there were three new members and a few "old timers" telling their stories, I too shared My 14+ years in and out of GA and my other life experiences. It was very productive for Me and thats the important part, it was for ME, not anyone else, if anyone took any of My words from my sharing, great for them, I know I took a lot of what they said.
As for everyones "rock bottom" or when they eventually come to terms as to when gambling is not healthy or when it has destroyed their lifes enough or when they decide it has caused them enough grief and misery... That is for each person individually to answer to themselves, some are more fortunate then others, some realize that gambling is destroying their lifes before it actually does, others have no choice other then to quit due to life truly becoming unmanagable for them. This is a serious desese, we as CG's can not control, we can only arrest it and recover from it. One member, 26 years clean mentioned in the meeting tonight "GA works well, if You work it" & "recovery is good and comes slow", He too had his first day GF, when he realized it was time to stop gambling and has gone each day there after just like You and I are today and tomorrow. He will wake up in the morning and have choices and desires, for Him, his desire to recover from gambling is stronger then his desire to continue to gamble, although there are no guarentees for Him either, He lives his life "one day at a time", He is no different, no better then You or I, He has just chosen to live a "normal" life, and guess what, he doesn't regret a day of his recovery.
Wishing You success with whatever choice You deside to make.
Frank.

You know how many times I've said "I'm not going back!" "I'm so sick of this crap!" "I can't do this anymore!"? I can't even remember. I really hope it sticks with you. If it's your first time saying "I'm not going back" to yourself and to your family, be prepared for the next time the itch gets hold of you. When it does (and, oh yes, it will, again and again), remind yourself of what you promised. Remind yourself of how you felt the last time you left the casino. Remember the grave mistakes you almost made and the possible results of following through with them.

"I wish I would want to quit more." I've been through that too. Maria, you already want to quit. The problem is, just like me and a lot of us, you've been so addicted to the FEELING of winning that every time you feel it, especially in the casino, you want to hold onto it as long as you can and would do whatever it takes to keep it going, no matter the consequence. I reached a point where I didn't even have a plan walking in. The only plan was to either burn the house down or go broke trying.

My last visit, I walked in with $53 in my wallet. I emptied it onto the Ultimate Texas Hold 'em table, and after that night and another visit the next night I walked out of that godforsaken place with $1750. I've already paid off one credit card and am wondering now which credit card bill I should get rid of next. I'm over $25K in debt because of this demon. You think I don't want to go back "one last time"? See how far I can take it? NOT THIS TIME. I pray this is the last time I say "I'm done!"

God be with you and keep you always, Maria, and I pray that you can hold to this conviction. I've been trying for several weeks now and it is (and will be) hard. Just saying "I quit" is not enough. You already want it enough to want it more. The desire is there; be strong and fight it with all you've got. I'll be praying for you, dear, and thank you so much for sharing and inspiring me as well.

Good Going in admitting to your husband. That is what I did too. This gambling addiction was progressing on me too. I had started to spend more than my income would allow. I started to juggle my money around by transferring balances, and I was hiding this. I didn't want to tell on myself, but I knew I had too because it meant I was admitting to myself and someone else I have a problem. As I was telling I caught myself wanting to minimize it but I didn't. This group has helped me to not minimize it it to myself. It meant I was finally being honest with myself. Since my partner knows I was able to finally get support also. After taking that first honest step, we used some advise also from this group to not let me have cash on me for awhile. It is just for awhile to get through the urges that come like a habit at first. My partner keeps my ATM card and checkbook locked up, and I came clean about any other moneys owed. We now look at all the monthly statements together and go over a budget and my money weekly. Rationalization hit strong a couple times and I am so glad I didn't have cash. It really helped. It is humbling, but it feels good to show those clean bank statements, and credit card statements lately. It has been about 46 days and "I can't bet because I can't stop and because I can't win" I love that--that saying oh so saves my a** one day at a time.

Maria,

It sounds like you are on the right track. You received and will continue to receive the very best support and guidance on this site. We are blessed in so many, many ways, and we just do not realize it sometimes until we have hit rock bottom. It is a very aggressive disease like a fast growing cancer, and it definitely does not play favorites. It doesn't care who it destroys in its path.

I have looked back and thought about this, and when I first started gambling and winning, it was something that picked me up long enough to knock me right back down. When I first quit, I had the same exact feeling about "one last time". Then, I made the very best decision........"NO MORE TIME".

Life is too short to me. I am going to spend my time and my life bettering me and being good to me because I realized that I am my only advocate and that I am #1.

I choose to FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT, and that good fight is ME.

I love me, I respect me, and I am going to always be good to me!

This is how ALL of us should be. We should surround ourselves with nothing but good, positive, structural behavior.

Like you said, and you described it perfectly, that feeling that you had when you walked back in there. It is disgusting.

You have made the best decision ever, and you should be very proud of yourself! Take care of YOU! :-)

So far so good, it's been nearly 5 days and I have resisted the urge on a couple occasions and I feel a great deal of hope. It was hard to resist, but I made myself think of how crappy it always makes me feel...win or lose, just to be there, to waste time, to breathe in second hand smoke (really hate that) and the whole disgusting scene. I thought about how eventually it ALWAYS takes me down because I don't stop after winning....most times I keep playing. There have been a few occasions where I walk out after being up, but usually I do that just to feel good about being able to go again and justify it. I really focused on feeling like a hamster on a wheel and how shitty that feels....and then what really has helped me most these past days is to keep busy and put myself into other activities.

Today I had a day off from work and it was really really tempting to go. But I didn't. Instead and went to the mall, met a friend for dinner, went shopping and came home. I figure the more times you work through the urge and find ways to overcome it, the more you strengthen that muscle of resisting...because if you did it once, you can resist again and again.

I'm planning to try to attend a meeting this week or early next week. I keep putting it off. That is the next thing.

I understand where you are coming from. Being compulsive with this addiction is cunning and baffleing. I know for me I would always go back after winning the next day. This is something like everything else that I have to take one day at a time. I have wanted to quit for many years and had all good intentions, but when the urge hit all that went out the window and I was off and running again. Today I have to work on me and try to stay in today and remember why I don't want to go and I try to do things that make me feel good about myself instead of something that drains me financially, physically and spiritualy.