You are spinning. It is a state where all a person does is wallow in their addiction, is numb to feeling, almost catatonic to anything external to gambling. Get rid of all of your access to money. Hand over debit cards, credit cards, checks, etc., to a trusted family member, or a professional payee. Carry no cash. If necessary, cancel Internet service. You can also put a block on your access to gambling sites on the Internet.

What is it you at trying not to feel? What painful emotion are you avoiding and anesthetizing against?

The feeling is all too familiar, I been there and worse, yes it can get worse. Donna is right on about feelings, they are so connected to addiction of all kinds. You are physically addicted to very high dosage of dopamine. Hundreds of times more dopamine is flowing into a compulsive gambler's brain, while they are in action, than a cocaine addict gets snorting all day.

I remember my last bet, not wanting to gamble any more but definitely compulsed to put every last cent and last credit in.
It took me several weeks of abstinence and the help of a counselor to realize I had some false beliefs.
I believed gambling was harmless fun.
I believed I could get ahead by gambling.
I believed I could be a social gambler again.
When I looked at each of those beliefs honestly, those things might be true for someone, even for me some decades ago, but they were not or at least no longer true for me.

Gambling had harmed me a great deal, at the end of 2014 I lost job, home, car, nearly my freedom (prosecution of felonies committed to gamble) and nearly my life, (attempted suicide). Does not sound harmless or fun or does it?
There is an invisible line a compulsive gambler crosses, I do not know exactly where it is nor exactly when I crossed it. I do know, that if you find yourself gambling when you really don't want to be, you have crossed the line. Sadly, there is no going back to being 21 again, nor restoring our virginity, going back to being a social gambler once you have grown up into a compulsive gambler is the same. Do you have these kinds of false beliefs?
If you can change the false beliefs you can change the behavior.
The other belief I had that needed to change in order to heal, was that I deserved misery, punishment and abuse. Because I was a horrid miserable person, living a lie and a life full of chaos, upheaval, impulse, compulsion, a life that didn't matter. (We may do bad things that we deserve to be guilty about, but bad behavior does not make us less of a person, doomed to live in shame for the rest of our lives.) Then begin to do the hard work of learning to love myself. (Not possible by the way, if you continue to abuse yourself. You will know you are not being loving to yourself.)

There have been suggestions on D/S I know you have been around long enough to read and I am guessing in your GA group that help, what else are you doing besides going to GA? Even the suggestion given to you some weeks back, that you might want to think about changing your user name here on D/S. It may not be much but the name is an affirmation of your identity as a gambler, every time you read it or someone else does it adds a little power to your image/identity as gambler. Have you written a goodbye to gambling yet? Have you sought out other treatment options? Have you written out each of your triggers and what you might do different next time that trigger comes up? Have Why have you not turned over your cash to someone? GAM-Block is one of the Gambling site blocker software programs out there. Giving computer to a friend for a bit might be a tactic. Having a geeky friend install parental controls on your computer for you might be another. You are an intelligent person and I know you can get creative. Do you journal? Have you tried walking, artwork, volunteering, a gratitude diary, Louise Hay, photography, taking a class, affirmations?
The point is, that you must do something more or different than what you have been doing if you are still gambling, you must stem the bleeding.

money has nothing to do with it, its just a means to an end, i often wonder that heroin addicts never complain about all the money they have lost in fueling their addiction, they just hate being sick all the time, figure out what/who happened to you along the way to make you self destruct, get some self love and start living ....you're dieing inside, a little bit at a time, until there is nothing left, please make a conscience effort to make today day one and be serious about recovery, we can all guarantee, it gets much much worse...

You have been given a lot of good advice from some people who have been there and done that. Until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will continue down this dead end street. If you want to live you have to fight. Dream as if you will live forever, live as if you will die today. God Bless

If all of us here were able to stop when we were ahead we wouldn't be here today. You are not sprawling out of control but you are out of control. I can sense that you are still in denial that you actually have a problem and a false belief that you can somehow control this. You are right in that "never enough money", indeed,... even if you kept the winning and stopped, in matter of hours or days you would have gone back and played till you don't have anymore. That's why we are a compulsive gambler, an addict... you cannot control it period. If you could you would have already....
Part of you are happy you only lost 200 of your money, well so what?, you know you still have 200 to try it again! Just as if you kept the winnings you will do it again until you have used all your resources and totally defeated....

So, today you have a choice to make, you can take that 200 and try to make it 2000 or just burn that 200 and say you are not worthy of having that 200.
It's not about money right? So why bother? 200 or 2000 will not make your life that much different....

Dear blackjack lady, I am sorry I may sound too harsh on you but the point is, you cannot figure out why you are doing this if you don't give yourself a chance. You can ban yourself from all the casino in the world and block every on line games to stop gambling but if you don't give yourself a chance to LIVE you will find a way to gamble one way or the other.

How worthy are you? You are worth more then any amount of money you can win and keep, This battle is not about how much you can control gambling but how happy you are going to be without gambling.

You are worth it my friend, forget the money and let it go just for today!

One day at a time...

Love,
Victoria