Self banning might be a possibility and giving up control of your money at least for a while, is often a help to getting quit. Making yourself accountable for every minute of your time can help. Making a plan for doing something different next time you are alone. Making commitments to volunteer somewhere might help. My worst case scenario is having time and money on my hands without a plan.

I feel the pain in your post. I really do. Today is day eight for me. When you write about your desire to 'do the steps' I feel a bit of guilt welling up deep inside of me. However, I also feel the need to tell you not worry too much about those scary steps. Remember that brief time of not gambling, how good it felt? How did you get there? By not gambling, by getting some time between now and that last bet. By the way, I'm telling myself these same things. I've had stretches of gambling free time, too. It sure does feel good. So I do know it gets easier by not gambling, one day at a time. That sneaky monster will always be there, for you and me both. When we are alone with that monster we must remember what it is we need to do- DON'T GO BACK OUT THERE - LISTEN TO YOUR DESIRE NOT TO GAMBLE one day at a time, friend

Thank you for listening and responding. As far as self-banning, it is not the big casinos that are a problem, it is the small town atmosphere with the video games in every gas station and bar that are very accessible. I can literally WALK to them. Although I did have to venture away from home to get my car worked on a month ago and had them drive me to a casino while the car work was getting done. It was a disaster of course. In my mind, I wanted my last real casino visit before I quit. Crazy way to think, huh? Just another excuse out of a million of them I've told myself over the years. I have things at home that I enjoy...crafting, crocheting, etc. About a year ago I had a break down and admitted to my husband to spending some money that was gifted to us from a relative. I felt horrible, promised I would quit...blah, blah, blah. I had about a month gamble free. Felt wonderful. I honestly do want to get back to that place again. I need to be able to talk to my husband about it. I just don't want to hurt him...I love him so much. And I also know that continuing to gamble will hurt him more in the long run. I guess I just feel like I'm trying to fight this battle by myself to make it easier on everyone else. I have family members and friends who gamble frequently (yes, on the compulsive side, too). I just have to learn to live my life, and worry about theirs. They will still be my family and friends if I don't gamble, I know that. But listening to them and knowing when they are sneaking around doing it, too, just makes me feel like my actions are justified, too. I know, more crazy thinking...if they jumped off a bridge, would I kind of thinking. Sometimes it seems the more I pray and ask God for help, the bigger the monster fights back. I'm wondering if that is God testing my faith? I need to be honest with myself and know that recovery is not going to easy, but it will be worth it. I need to let myself feel the pain that I have caused myself and my family. I need to be stronger, I need to be more focused on my recovery, and I need you all here! Thank you!

I had to respond to this. I too would try and figure out, what it was that got me back to the casino. For me, bottom line, its the addiction. I would try to convince myself, that I would go just one more time, that I would win, and I would leave, and I had it under control. That is the ADDICTION talking. For me, I had to learn to realize that, that when I got in the car, to head to the casino, my head would be telling me, its okay, just one last time. Now, before I get in my car to head to the casino, I pick up the phone, and I ask for help, or I get to a meeting. Its a fight, not going to lie. For me, a huge part of my recovery is working the program, so I have the tools to deal with the urges, that come on, and they do. This addiction will continue to tell you, its okay to go, just one more time. If you work on your recovery, then, you will have the tools to fight the inevitable urges. Hang in there. Be the warrior you know you can be.

Trying to explain to a non-compulsive gambler how the "addiction talks" is such a fear of mine. It all sounds so stupid and like a bunch of excuses. I totally know when the addiction is talking to me and I am a master of pretending that is MY CHOICE. The past three months have been very bad for me. After being gamble free for about 3 weeks, I decided to "have a little fun" . It was "fun" because I won, and actually brought money home. I was talking to one of my friends...we share our gambling stories frequently (of course I never was truthful on my losing days) and I actually told her "I don't know why I'm so excited because it is just the devil trying to get me hooked again" Well of course, the next 4 or 5 times after that I also won big! It was crazy, the machines hit things I've never seen them hit before. But guess what......I DIDN'T COME HOME WITH A DOLLAR! I knew what was going to happen but still did it! I ached for that sudden high just one more time! The rush only lasts for maybe 1 second......the effects for that one second rush can take months and years to pay off. So after a gambling binge, I feel crappy because I know there are long term effects......if I don't feed the monster, I feel crappy for a short time, but then I'm ok after a while, until the next time I get bored/lonely/want "me" time and I give in only to feel crappy again! The solid truth is a compulsive gambler never wins...and I mean never! The worst thing for a compulsive gambler is to win, I'm so aware of this, so why do I go chasing after something that I know will NEVER happen. Makes no sense at all. Thanks for letting me get these thoughts out today.

Oh the dreaded conversation with husband to lay everything out on table!! I did that last week it was weight off my shoulders, then last night we talked, I let him be mad, I answered his questions with basically the same answer, I was sick, hey you can't stay mad at a sick person, that's mean. But, really it's ok today! Just a tip agree agree, don't get defensive or angry. Very wise people here told me he would be mad but he will get over it.. and he did! I did give him the finances to pay and take care of. That was way to stressful. And, for me that was the spark that lit the match in the beginning. So getting rid of that helped enormously. Remember your not alone, we're here. Today is the first day of the rest of your life....

I've been such an idiot for the past several years! Sneakier than ever. How do I explain this insanity to anyone? It was maybe 15 years ago when my addiction had me scared to death! There was no way out, no where to hide, no more loans from anyone or any pay loan place, is that what you call them? Not important. Anyway my then live-in boyfriend had to be told, I was flat out busted! He was blind with anger, but he bailed me out, thousands in loans, all that he had saved. He took over the bills. He constantly brought up lies. It hurt so bad. I felt so stupid and worthless. I even quit my job. I worked in the computer room of a giant casino. Somehow I blamed my addiction on my job. I think the people I worked with thought I was mentally ill, that hurt too. So I stayed home. I didn't gamble. I began to slowly feel a little bit better. My husband started to calm down, too. Then I decided to work part time. I went back out there, and I know he knew, my husband knew I was throwing away my "extra" money. It made me bitter to think he knew and wouldn't say anything! How cruel that must seem to him, I must seem to him. Trying to blame him. He protected our home, our very existence by taking over the bills and watching me slip deeper into a gambling addiction. I quit my part time jobs. I knew it was for the best. And now, for the past several years I've been sneaking around losing a little here and a little there ... $100., $60., $80., $200. $20.! It just feels like I'm trying to hurt myself a little bit! It makes me feel so weak! I Thank God for my husband. He doesn't understand, how could I expect him to? I'm a complusive gambler, not him. Losing dabs of money seems so much worse than that initial explosion of financial debt! Why do I test myself? Do I really just want to feel like crap? What a stupid question !
Today I won't gamble, not even one dollar.

Today I did not gamble. Thank you Lord and DS peeps for helping me talk through this today. Much appreciated!

Good job not gambling, Hazel! You know what I do on payday? I go immediately home (dont drive by/go near casino), pay my bills, get gas & groceries, put the remainder on debt or save. DONE. No money, no gambling.

I dont deprive myself completely bc that can lead to gambling too..so if I want a new book to read, a new car air freshener, a new body lotion, I buy that for a "me" treat. Just don't leave a large amount of cash easily accessible on you. You CAN do this. ((BIG HUG))

Temptations come from the Kingdom of darkness.. we are weak at times and give into temptation. But we need to forgive ourselves and fight the good fight. Taking baby steps is very, very common in recovery or overcoming. Talk to your husband and spill out all your feelings. You don't have to protect this addiction any longer by keeping it to yourself. Give your husband access to your money. Let him have the bank acct in his name alone. If you don't have access to money then you won't be able to gamble. Think of ways to protect yourself when temptations keep roaring at you, having no money means you can't gamble.. Hang in there. Plus it's huge to have faith in the Lord. It's impossible to please God without faith in Him. You are a wise women. Please take the steps to talk to your husband and tell him we need to protect our money. I am sure he will think of ways along with you to do this. Take care :)

I too did not have a casino problem but the little neighborhood delis and restaurants and bars all have slot machines. I had to use the tactic that is similar to alcoholics in recovery, it is everywhere but I am allergic to it. Changing my internal false beliefs went a long way toward getting quit. (Like, "I can get ahead by gambling" and "gambling is harmless fun") I know now, I cannot get ahead by gambling and it is not harmless nor fun for me.