Instead of gambling, or placing a bet, I have spent the last 19 days, hunkering down, being domesticated, and living my life. Last few days I've thought a lot about my gambling, the damage it did, emotionally and financially, which included a terrible nightmare last night, about relapsing, and me screaming in my sleep, the fear was pure, and simply put, I know it was God's way of gently reminding me, why I don't ever want to gamble again. I've been cooking a lot, working in my yard, sleeping, working. Today, when I went to the store, I was literally watching people, and I swear the thought ran through my head, I wonder what its like to be normal like them, they were doing their day, some looked tired, some happy, some, flustered with their kids in tow. Then it occurred to me, oh, I'm doing it, I'm doing the "normal" thing. Running into the store, on a Sunday afternoon. I remember, coming home after a few days of gambling, it wasn't that long ago, feeling tired, disgusted, exhausted, and having done nothing for days. So this Sunday, I am beyond grateful, that I have one more day, GF. Recovery, what an amazing word, but even more amazing to be "in recovery." I think its important for me to figure out why I ran, what I was running from, my triggers, if there is such a thing, and learning my addiction more. I have been afraid to do that in the past, but I think starting the 12 steps, will help me. Although there are certain things I don't want to look at, mostly my own character defects, I know if I don't, its a matter of time before I run again. I am not going to run, not again. 4/7/14 was my last time I placed a bet, today I choose to be in recovery. xoxoxoxoxo